To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

2 is brutal. I'd be on my knees too. Does your daughter have to have a bath every night? Especially if she doesn't like baths, could you get away with a lick and a promise every other night?

Pretty normal my arse! @Cantdoothis its not normal at all and it sounds incredibly tough.

Your ex might be throwing money at the “problem” of having a child but the reality is that he will be forced to be more involved and on non-negotiable terms if you have a mental breakdown. I would speak to him about having your DD overnight at least once a fortnight to give you a break. In the meantime, is there any option to take some time off work sick to allow you to recharge? You are probably resistant to taking time off work but, again, a mental breakdown will be far more disruptive to you and your employer than taking some managed sick leave off now.

I hope it gets better.

Why does the child's father live two hours away? Does any of his family live nearby/are they involved at all?

It does sound dreary. If no relatives will take her, I would book babysitting or something for Sundays so that you can have some time to yourself.

Do you work weekends too? I’d be looking at online shopping, buy the same stuff weekly, do a top up at the weekend. Any family nearby? Mum mates who you can organise ply dates with?

Kindly, it is irrelevant whether it sounds good to you if OP is struggling. She is clearly posting in desperation and I highly doubt hearing that it could be even worse is going to just snap her out of it. Honestly, as someone with one baby and two adults in the house, it sounds like a pretty tough situation to me and I know I would be feeling exhausted and overwhelmed in OP's shoes.

OP, I hope some of the suggestions on this thread are helpful to you. Have you got any friends who could help out? I've been surprised at how many friends actually want to come around and help with bedtime whilst I cook a quick dinner for us both! Appreciate this possibly isn't helpful though if you have to work every evening...

I get this and I did it. But I promise you it does get easier. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. If you can do the food shop Early one morning eg 7 am before you go to work - I found that helpful.

I think the ex like mine has adopted out - but can you get him or his family to help for a week or two weeks and just say you need a break.

There’s no prize for achieving the patriarchy ‘woman that can do it all’, standard you know. You’re not a better person because you achieve the impossible standards that women are held to (and I imagine even you don’t really and you secretly cry in your car sometimes at how fucked the system is for women).

It might be that this is life just now, but it won’t always be.

You shouldn’t have to work all day and then in the evening too. Is there some way of rationalising that? Otherwise, online shopping, pre prepared food and a cleaner should help.

I agree too, that looking at how you might alter your working hours could help.

I think you’ve got so dragged down by it all that you can’t think what to do to improve things. I hope you feel that some of the ideas here will help.

Hang on in there.

I feel for you. Been there. Done that. He not only did fuck all but also refused to pay one single penny in child support.

A complete bastard dead-beat narc wanker and I can't believe there is no penalty for men who refuse to step up.

Raising children on your own with no help is the hardest thing in the world.

I send you strength, solidarity, and sympathy.

No, I really don't, and you are being ridiculous to tell me what I think or how I feel. Nobody is saying life is perfect for women but if the OP is genuinely wondering if it is normal to work full time with one child, then I will say it again: yes, it is normal. And it gets easier as they get older.

It's not you. It is hard. I've only survived as a lone parent of two by working part-time, I've never had a career though and my mortgage was low. Even then my health has taken a battering.

You are helpful.

I had the same. An ex who played games with our child to punish me for leaving. I was knackered. It all came to a head when he was 3.5 and ex still wouldn't help. A year later he got a gf now will do about 30 percent. I love my child but I was so screwed over I will never have another. Not even with my now husband who is a completely different person! I paid for a cleaner and had family help!! People on here having a go haven't got a bloody clue op

This sounds tough. I found the relentless grind of the toddler age absolutely draining. You must speak to their dad and have him take your child for longer periods of time. It's great that he pays, but he needs to physically fo more to support you. It does get easier when they get older, but that's neither here nor there. You need more support now.

It does sound hard, OP, hang in there.

One thing has been mentioned almost in passing - "mum friends" or make friends with parents at nursery if at all possible! Then at least shared turn about playdates, soon your DD will be old enough for the odd sleepover, and her being with a friend will take the pressure off you. It may take work initially to build a "network" but maybe especially other single parents will appreciate the company, the empathy and later the opportunity to indulge in a bit of mutual babysitting. I'm not a single parent myself but many of my friends are/were and this was invaluable (and a substitute for local family, which none of us had).

You are very unsympathetic. Just because you had to (and did) cope, it doesn't mean that everyone else can and should. Dads need to do more.

This sounds really tough. I agree with other posters that two is a tough age. Practical things that have helped me & might help you:
Robot hoover (I have a eufy which I got in a sale for about £150) & put it on every evening & you feel everything is that bit cleaner.
Cleaner coming once a week if that’s affordable.
I use the Organised Mum app for 15 minutes cleaning a day to keep on top of things.
Cooking one meal…this felt v daunting as my child was and is picky. So what I did was make a list of meals I could make with variations eg I make pasta for my child & put cheddar on his while I might make a sauce for mine. Or he has a breaded haddock fillet while I have a salmon fillet (cooked at the same time) & we both have peas and broccoli with it. I made a list of all the foods he liked and stuck it on the fridge so I could cycle through the easy favourites. Pizza night once a week.
Swaps with other mums. I appreciate it takes time to make friends with other mums but once you do, you can team up a bit & help each other & they can be a big help.
Weekly online food shop. I have a saved list with alll the main things my child eats so we always have a few basics in.
Milk delivery if they do it near you. So no more popping out for milk between shops.
someone told me about “sites of mutual fulfilment”…the idea is you try to both enjoy yourself rather than doing activities for you and for your child completely separately. So if you are a gallery and museum person try to find places that have children’s activities so you can also see some art while your child is doing a craft activity etc. I used to go to the British Museum for their craft workshops where the children would do crafts during a sort of private view for the parents so you could see the exhibition while keeping an eye on your child. A friend joined a gym with a crèche (admittedly an expensive option!). I would ask friends to meet me for a coffee in a park so my child could play while we caught up.
Grandparent help if that’s possible…mine wouldn’t look after my child solo but would play with him while I did a zoom meeting in the next room or things like that.
Podcasts and audio books for any pushchair walks so I felt my mind was being fed somehow even if all I was doing was pushing my child around.
Hope some of that is helpful.

Unhelpful and unkind.

I don’t know if yabu or not, but what you are describing is just life. You need to try and get some self care into the routine, and I am not talking about bubble baths and face masks. You need to book a babysitter one night a fortnight, take a yoga class, see a movie, go out with friends, sleep. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

It’s hard isn’t it? And it feels never-ending.

I’ve been there and the things that really helped were dropping my standards (house was less clean/tidy, meals not quite as healthy as they should have been), getting things organised when I felt I had enough energy so that I didn’t have to think about them when I didn’t (meal-plan for the week, laying out a few days worth of clothes, recurring food deliveries) and accepting that things just wouldn’t be the same as if my dd’s dad was still living with us. That acceptance helped me to stop beating myself up about things and made me realise that I was doing a good job given the situation.

Also, if I needed to go to bed at the same time as my daughter I did, instead of forcing myself to stay awake and tidy up or catch up on work. Everything felt a lot easier when I was rested.

I did the bare minimum to survive. And 5yrs later life is a lot better and a lot easier.

@Cantdoothis you're at such a difficult stage as DD can't entertain herself at all. It's all on you. It does get easier as they get a bit older (and then eventually you turn in to a taxi service).

Eating together is a time saver - one set of cooking and washing up instead of two.

Food delivery - your can just tweak the same order weekly. Use ready meals, at least some of the time. Plenty of people live on them.

Washing - have enough clothes that you can just do one dark and one light load a week.

Plan something for you every weekend when DD is out so you feel like you've gained a bit of 'me' back. Could be cutting the lawn, read a book, a walk, a spa afternoon, painted your nails, sleep, whatever.

It's really tough. You have my sympathy. I does get better.

It is shit and your ex is shit.

There is no reason that you should be expected to just "get on with it".

I bet if you dumped your child on their father's doorstep and said "I've done the first two years, you can do the next two" he'd have something to say about it (& you'd be harshly judged as a mother who deserted her child) but men do this ALL the time.

Unfortunately there aren't currently ways to force your ex to do his proper share of the parenting, I wish there was a way to make him do it willingly, but I have a lot of sympathy for the situation you've found yourself in OP and I'm sorry we live in such a misogynistic world.

Do you work every evening? No job should be so demanding that you can't ever come close to doing it in the hours that you are contracted to work.

Over-working is part of the 'women can do it all' syndrome. Most women don't want to tell anyone at work that they're struggling, more so if you have young children.

It sounds if you can have some time to relax in the evenings, at least most evenings, you'd be in a better space to cope with everything else.

Disclaimer: I used to work in the evenings when my children were small. Self-employed, so different, but still exhausting. I don't think it was good for me at all. Not having any down time is too much to expect of yourself.

It is really hard. I've been there, albeit with a partner (but working away). The big question is do you have money to throw at the problem? If you do, then meal boxes, cleaner, babysitter once a week etc. Ask at DD's nursery whether any of the staff do ad hoc babysitting, lots of them do, and that way you get someone DD is used to and you trust.

Aside from the money, I would also say cut corners with food wherever you feel comfortable doing so. Pre-mashed potato, microwaveable rice pouches, fresh pasta that cooks in two minutes. Cooked salmon fillets and chicken breasts from the chilled aisle. Frozen or fresh pre-chopped veg, tinned peas/sweetcorn, tinned fruit. Even snacks - packets of mini bread sticks, boxes of raisins, those individually wrapped pieces of cheese, etc. Obviously you can batch cook at the weekend or in the evenings if you have the energy but honestly, if you can afford it, just buy things where the prep is done for you.

Finally put the work in now to get DD playing on her own sometimes. I have a timer from Amazon that shows a big rainbow and the rainbow shrinks as the time goes, so it's easy for kids to see. I started with one minute, explain I'm going out of the room to do a job and I'll be back when the timer goes. Increase time steadily. Obviously don't do it all the time, but the aim is just to get her thinking about how to occupy herself, which in turn fosters creativity and problem solving, so it's all for her own good 😉

Yes, this. Why are women just expected to cope and martyr themselves and men can pay or not pay / do or not do. The set up is hugely imbalanced for women and anyone gloating that they coped fine as a single parent with a hundred children is just perpetuating this imbalance.