To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

That’s good he pays for nursery but is not fair that he doesn’t spend more time with his child. Does he know how much you’re struggling?

Do you think your ex will help more when she’s a bit older and seen as more of a person than “just” a baby.

Obviously babies are people but unfortunately some people especially men just see them as difficult to spend time with unless they’re older.

Some pp mentioned people don’t help single parents but I think it’s often the issue that some people are highly individualistic before they had kids, so they don’t have that kind of “village”.

I am the “aunty” to many of my friends kids and have babysat friends kids overnight, taken them on trips etc and that’s common in my childhood social circle. We all help each other whether we have kids or not.

I knew a girl who didn’t take much interest in anyone’s kids and then when she became pregnant unexpectedly and a single parent seemed to be surprised everyone wasn’t rushing to help her. That’s not the case for everyone but I thought it was worth mentioning as some people only see a village as something to draw from rather than something they contribute to and help build.

Where are your family and friends @Cantdoothis? If you lived closer to them would they help?

Could you move closer to your ex?

Basically drop your standards for everything to make it easier. Stop thinking about what you “should be” doing and pick the simplest and least time consuming option available.

For example the food shop- do it online. Traipsing around the supermarket is a waste of time. For your dinner get a bowl of salad with a tin of tuna- ready in 2 mins, healthy and tasty. Don’t be doing things like ironing unless it’s something like a work shirt- it can wait. Get a cleaner.

Do the same work wise. Can you delegate more? Can you automate some parts of your job? Can you speak to your boss about workload?

This phase won’t last long. You just need to find a way to let go and get through it

Where are the grandparents and family members, can they give you a break / help? Otherwise are there any sensible sixth formers, students or nursery nurses to take LO to the park or babysit etc.? Otherwise, perhaps try Home Start.

Reduce your hours and claim UC.
You're right it's not sustainable and you shouldn't be living like that.
Until we as a society are willing to make men step up and look after their children, we will have to support single mothers financially.

Take your standards as low as you can go.

If you can face it, then just have the same 7 meals each week (we have the same meals 5 days a week, and takeaway/eat out twice a week).

I survive with routine: I only do washing once a week (I have a rotation of clothes that me and the kids wear - I actually fold them into daily bundles after getting disheartened going in their room and discovering the individual piles totally everywhere again). Outside of school holidays, I try to only do the dishwasher once a week (I have considered disposable plates).

I go to pickup 10 mins early to talk to other mums for in person adult conversation (and networking....) or to just sit in the car in the quiet or take a short walk depending on how my work day is going.

I have a firm bedtime routine (I'm lucky, my kids are fine with it) - although TBH, I go to bed at the same time anyway since I start work early.

I taught them to get their own breakfast (initially I'd just leave snacks out) very early (again, I'm lucky, my kids were fine to just get up and watch cartoons on their ipads) - so that even though I'm not sleeping, they're trained not to disturb me in my room unless they need to.

It is relentless. All you can do is try and survive it.

I think 18 months to 3 is the hardest age to raise a child. It is unrelenting and can sometimes feel like a never ending treadmill- just remember, it does get easier as they get older.
you have just gotten over an illness and we can often feel low when we are post viral.

i used to book a day off now and again when my child was in nursery and just do something/ anything on my own - it was just lovely to have my own time and my own thoughts.
i agree with the online shopping and also getting in some healthy ready meals.
just remember - it will get easier.

Are you able to do anything for yourself when she is with her dad? Can you think of anything you could outsource - cleaner, gardener, ironing, some laundry? Could you give up even half a day at work? Would an extra day WFH help? Do you have friends or family who could take your DD for a few hours (or overnight)?

Bath DD 2 or 3 times a week. Shop online. Eat food that needs little or no prep. It will get easier, you're doing great.

Oh - not relevant yet, but just buy the right number of everything for uniform - my son's school does PE every day, so he has 5 PE kits, 5 shirts. Now he's older just 2 jumpers and trousers, but when he was little, 5 of all his nursery/primary school uniform so I never had the crazed rush around the house finding something, or had to do washing in the week.

I’ve said YABU as you haven’t taken the most basic of steps to make things easier for yourself. Babysitter, grocery delivery, meal plan delivery (eg mindful chef does meal boxes for one and you can select 20
minute meals), high quality frozen meals like Cook (for both you and dd)) which can also be delivered, cleaner who does everything (down to changing the beds), laundry service.

I did this for years with two dc and I used to have an incredible sixth former neighbour who would come help alongside me : she’d cook me dinner or dc dinner or do ironing or supervise bath time for 2 hours every night so it was like having a “partner” in the house. She’d leave, dc were bathed and in bed, house tidy, dinner ready. I’d then sit back and enjoy my evening. Or she’d stay on to babysit and I’d go out with friends once a week. A number of friends in similar situations found similar help from university students living locally.

yes this is all expensive but hopefully your “demanding” career comes with a commensurate salary. I paid a fortune but fast forward 10 years and I just now just have a cleaner once a week, dc are self sufficient, and my sanity is intact and (edited to add) my career flourishing.

Involved dad? Is that a joke? Seeing your child for a couple of hours out of 7 days a week isn’t ’involved’, neither is throwing money at the op to make up for the rest. If a parent isn’t taking their turn with dentist appointments, nursery/school runs, hair cuts, helping getting dressed, teeth brushing, bathing, feeding them, putting them to bed, they’re not in any way an ‘involved parent’. Being a glorified babysitter isn’t parenting.

I get you op. I’m in a luckier situation where kids dad will have them overnight once a week but isn’t involved in any of the above. Literally all comes down to me (have children with additional needs so it’s day and night even with the older ones). Is there any way to get him to at least step up in that regard? It’s not just about giving you a break, he needs to parent more and she needs to build a better relationship with him. Should start with one night every other week but swiftly build on that.

I'd switch to compressed hours or part time and spend the extra day getting things done and having some time to yourself. A day without kids around makes a massive difference.

The obvious solution is to be closer to a support system. Any chance of making that happen?

Yes, definitely not my life.
I bloody made sure of that.
But - something always does need doing.

It's not about compressed hours; it's about the dad taking on more responsibility for the daily drudgery of parenting. That's the crux of it. People are giving suggestions to enable her to cope within an unfair set up. The dad should move closer to his child and be more hands on. I would not live 2 hours away from my toddler.

You sound burnt out 😓 I really feel for you. It will get easier as DC gets older but in the meantime is there more support you can access - friends/family? Or if money isn't tight think about joining a gym with a creche? You could get some you time and get some exercise endorphins too? Do you use annual leave days for "you" ever? Put DC in nursery and take yourself on a date (I did this once and it was glorious, yoga, massage, lunch, cinema)?

Is there anyway you can organise life to give yourself a breather?x

Please don't do this. Having the other involved, committed parent who gives a shit about YOU and is on your team is a totally different thing to parenting with an ex, even if they do a half decent share of the grunt work, which the OPs ex is not. You're not wrong that some things get easier but please don't think its just about the practical logistics - the crushing weight of making all the big decisions alone and knowing it is all on you to advocate for your child's needs is huge.

My practical advice would be to lower your standards, and then lower them some more. Outsource everything that you can. It’s survival mode right now but it won’t always be like that.

Oh and ignore everyone playing shit life Olympics, just because other people have it ‘worse’ doesn’t mean you can’t want better!

Single parenting is tough and incredibly lonely. I think you can totally lose your sense of self in it all and end up feeling hugely hemmed in and trapped by the weight of responsibility.

I did ten years solo with very limited support. Things that worked for me were;

Booking a babysitter - usually a friend/friend's teenage child/family member. It's often expensive but reminded me I could get out.

Day off when the kids were in childcare. Essential for sanity.

Low standards when need be - beige tea, breakfast for tea.

Catching up with mates by phone whenever possible and not sugar coating how shit is was.

Doing some things I loved - my commute was spent listening to audio books just to have a non work adult voice in my day!

Getting out as often as I could with the kids - with other people, just for some fresh air. Anything that make a change.

I'd have killed for a cleaner but had no cash. No involved dad either - so frustrating that they can just walk away.

A fellow single mum summed it up though when she said you can have all the help in the word but when you've put the milk in the wrong cup at 7am and it's all ended in tears there's no one else to pick up the pieces.

Can you not ask your ex if he can at least take the little one overnight every 2nd weekend? So at least you both have every 2nd weekend to yourselves?

In fairness, I think that is because you can’t force a parent to actually parent. Telling op what the dad should and shouldn’t be doing wont help her.

This sounds so tough. Have you considered dropping a day at work and just doing everything on that one day?

It’s so so tough being a single mum with an ex who definitely could do more!! My son is 13 now but I was you. It’s horrible. Children are hard if there’s 2 of you but when you’re on your own it feels relentless. No time for yourself and no one to help. But, from the point you’re at, it will very quickly get easier. I promise!! You can do this 💪

It doesn't really matter what his reason is.
The fact is he is choosing not to do more and OP is not responsible for this or able to change it.

OP I was in the same position 12 years ago. (DS is now 14 and has yet to spend a night at his dad's )
The toddler years were awful and relentless. I only managed by reducing my hours and leaving DS in nursery so that I had some breathing space. Looking back now I wish I had used a regular babysitter to actually fo out and have a bit of an adult life however I think I was just too exhausted at the time to sort myself out to do this.
It will get better from here. Lower your standards and do whatever you need to do to survive

@Cantdoothis I get it. My ex has my DC for 6 hours every two weeks. The rest of the time it's just the two of us. I've worked full time and went to part time (taking a massive financial hit in the process), and am about to go to uni to retrain. Luckily for me my DC is older, and it does get easier in that respect. But yeah, it's thankless and gruelling. I don't get nights out, I rarely get to see friends unless they come to mine and then I'm regularly interrupted.

Things I do to help:

Started batch cooking on weekends. It's a ball ache but it means I feel less bad about slamming something in the microwave if I know it's homemade.

I bought a second hand Fitbit and a step for my bedroom to get my steps up. Sometimes I put music on and DC joins in.

I started to write a journal, and visualised where I wanted my life to be in a year from now.

I go to bed when DC goes. My bedroom is my haven. I light candles, watch a movie on my laptop, or read a book.

Fuck the housework off most of the time. 😅 It's clean and tidy and I'm not going to beat myself up if there's cobwebs everywhere.

It does slowly get better. You get more of yourself back. DC is my little pal. And you'll get to a point where you can see space for your life to become more of what you'd like it to be.

Best wishes OP.