To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

It does get easier but for now you need to find the things which can help.
So online food shop
Slow cookers are great prep before bed put the pot in the fridge then put on at breakfast. Eat together where possible.
Some ready meals or filled pasta take 5 mins as back up.

Buy a robot vacuum cleaner (can also get mop ones)
Get a cleaner if you can afford it.
Book a babysitter and have a evening out with a friend.

No, I disagree - I still think it is normal. She works full time and has one child - I have done exactly that, and it wasn't that bad because my son went to nursery, and I only had one child to deal with. I have friends with several children of different ages, and that looks much tougher to me.

The only unusual part is that she has to work after her daughter is in bed - if that is really necessary I would look for a different job, because most don't require that.

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s relentless even when there are two of you so being on your own with it must be so exhausting and overwhelming.

All I can say is it does get easier as they get older, once they’re school age they get a lot more independent. I mean they’re not obviously going out on their own but they will occupy themselves for an hour, they will make friends and go for play dates, parties, hobbies etc which will allow you to have an hour or so to yourself on an evening or weekend etc. They sleep better, don’t need you constantly. Mine are primary age now and I can have a nice bath, watch tv or scroll for an hour whilst they’re occupied with games, crafts or watching iPad.

I don’t have any advice but it will get easier and you will start to recover a bit of yourself. The baby to toddler years are all consuming

This sounds so so so tough OP, juggling everything on your own.

The only solution really bar running away, is to outsource anything you possibly can!

A few things spring to mind:

• Online weekly shop
• Hello Fresh or similar, or ready delivered meals
• Batch cook for your toddler - it's possible to make around 30 frozen portions of food for a 2 year old in 2 hours, pop them out and stick in microwave. Shepherds pie, fish pie, dahls etc
• Get a weekly cleaner
• Exercise and sort things out in lunch breaks
• Get her used to a shower as it's way way quicker

It will get easier with age, I promise

Can you use some annual leave for a couple of days resting at home while dd is at nursery? Getting burnt out isn't great.

Also wonder if a GP appt would be worthwhile?

It is very stressful to end up a single parent doing it all, when that wasn't the plan, and the other parent is incapable for whatever reason.

Also think if there was any way to cut your hours to build in a little rest time , that might help you in the long term.

You are doing an amazing job, but need to look after yourself too, or the stress can start to affect your health and ability to cope further.

OP, I sympathise - though would say you are lucky to have her in FT nursery, and for those costs to be covered.

Could you take occasional annual leave while she is nursery to decompress, potter around, blitz a clutter pile or do a bit of batch cooking? I've started doing this and it really helps.

What is your job? It sounds like one where you never get to the end of a to-do list or you can never switch off - so what feels like a parenting problem is actually a job problem.

Also consider perimenopause - at your age I had (still occasionally have) periodic sense of despair and overwhelm, bone-tiredness, revulsion at mess... I got treatment and things do feel better.

You will be okay. You'll find your way to thrive!

Put some systems in place to make your life easier.

meal plan and get an online food shop delivered. Cook up big batches of chilli or bolognese or curry and have it for a few evening a week to save you having to use valuable time cooking in the evenings.

hire a cleaner for as many hours as you can afford this will save you valuable time and stress. If you can afford the extra hours have them do things like changing the bedding and putting washing away etc.

Unless you have a career to maintain and develop I'd probably go part time and get a bit of UC help until school age. Working full time as a single parent of older children is exhausting enough but toddlers and preschoolers are relentless in how much they need you. Nobody can do everything.

its not all giggling over jam tarts and cute splotches of flour on their noses

^

Indeed.
This is around 2% of the time

OP it’s such a difficult age. They are so unreasonable and demanding.

i have a similar age child and some things I do to help keep my mental health on track are:

• I try to wake up half an hour early and read a few pages of my book
• online food order
• a meal delivery box
• child either eats the same meal as us or a frozen ice cube meal from the freezer which I batch cook every now and again.
• i wfh and do one load of laundry a day in my lunch hour and sort the dishes.
• At bedtime my child gets put in her cot whether she is tired or not. Most of the time she cries but always is asleep within 10 minutes. This seems cruel but your mental health is important too.
• we only bath once a week unless child is dirty.
• if I’m struggling to entertain her I go for a walk with the pram and put a podcast on. People will judge. Let them.
• absolutely DO NOT work once your child is asleep. This is madness.
• also as nursery is being paid for I would drop a day at work if you can. Don’t tell your ex as he may say that baby can drop a day at nursery! Or just use some annual leave one day a week.

these may not all work for you but hopefully some will x

I feel for you, I recall those days and how knackering it was and how I felt so out of touch with who I was as person because I just felt like a machine, working, parenting, house stuff, cooking, laundry. I was on my own and my ex did nothing and paid nothing but it is not a competition as to who has it worse. Where you are now it what matters and how you feel it real and true.What I an say is that it does get better and that you will be less tired and also you should be bloody proud of yourself.

It literally never ends and there is always something that needs to be done.

It will get easier as your DC gets older, just because they can entertain themselves more.

I would use the time your DC is with your ex to deep clean and get on top of everything.
Then during the week you can just maintain it.

As you WFH, I would try and do as much as you can on your lunch breaks like putting on the washing, doing an online shop and prepping the tea.

Have the same meals each week and so your online shop is easier too.

A slow cooker might be a good idea for you.

I am in a similar position, although I don’t have any help from the dad and I basically burnt out last year and decided to get a different job that wasn’t so stressful.

I’m not going to lie, money is extremely tight but my MH has improved massively.

I am planning to go back to a better paid job in a few months time, but I just needed a break and this is the only way I could do it.

I’m not sure how you feel about WFH.
I know you can get a lot done in the time it would take you to commute etc but I personally would really struggle with it.

Perhaps you could look for a role close to your DDs nursery and so you don’t feel so overwhelmed by all of the to do tasks everyday.
When I go to work, I can switch off from the struggles of home and focus solely on my job which I find is better for my MH than being at home too much as I get overwhelmed by it all.

Aah, you poor thing
It's brutal, isn't it? Really feel for you. It WILL get better though x

It's tough having littles, but you're making it harder.
Stop working at night, use that time to relax and prepare for the next day. Make sure you get plenty of early nights.

Do online shopping. Why add extra stress of trying to get to the shop when they literally come to you? Its fast, easy and good to keep an eye on your budget. Plus, places like tesco let you collect points which you can spend on days out with/without your toddler.

Make 1 meal, both eat it at the same time. It's much better for.kids.to eat with their parents, and it will help your child eat a wider variety of food.

Tell dad he has to have the child overnight. If he isn't confident enough, does he have parents who can help? Do you have family who can have your child for a weekend?

Get take aways occasionally. Pour a glass of wine. Have friends over.

Make sure you relax and do fun things when your kid goes to their dad.

Teach your child to dress themselves, to help.pack their bag for nursery etc. To help set the table. To tidy up after themselves. It.might seem young, but the sooner they learn to help a little,the sooner it just becomes.2nd nature.

I really feel for you OP, you sound depressed so I would definitely speak to your GP, I resisted antidepressants for years, but when I finally did it, it made so much difference.
when my son was two, are used to have a 16-year-old Babysitter come to the flat to play with him, just to give me some respite while I did extra work from home at weird hours which I had to do. Much cheaper and more low-key than nursery, but it made so much difference having that extra bit of help, it just meant I was free to put some music on and do my own thing a bit while still being available if he needed me, I didn’t go out while she was there. I found her through childcare.Co.Uk
Also batch cooking and online shipping makes a huge difference
there will be a bunch of places you can make efficiencies, when you drive on your own, put some very loud music on as well, it will do you good

I'm part time and with a partner and still want to run away from the constant something to do or someone who needs me.

You sound burnt out and in need of some breathing room.

Do you have enough savings to request a week of unpaid leave? Child still in nursery but just take some time to decompress and regroup

I would defintely say work smarter not harder
We do not bathe our 2yr old daily (assuming she isnt filthy)

Get some good meals sorted for yourself from cook or mindful chef frozen range

Have online shopping for a wfh day

Get a robot hoover and set it off at night

Load of laundry each night hang up before bed through out in the garden on the airer next morning if sunny

Streamline and minimize little ones clothes and toys if it's all too much

Take half a day AL once a month to do life admin - sorting out MOT, bills, birthday cards etc

The time your ex has them do something for you - lunch with friends, swimming, manicure etc

Find a good reliable childminder nearby and set up a standing day once a month (my friends nursery staff did babysitting which was great)

If your working FT and your expartner seems them every weekend are you getting to do anything fun with them and enjoy them reguarly like swimming lessons, messy play etc?

If your nursery closes for a few weeks a year then you ex should be using some of his AL to cover that as well. Full payment of money is great but not when you have no actual time

It will get better stay strong x

OP could you look at some kind of reduced hours, even one afternoon off a fortnight? Wouldn’t make a huge impact on your finances but would give you some breathing space which is what you need.
Definitely online food shop and a cleaner - again could just be a couple of hours once a fortnight to deep clean the kitchen and bathroom eg. One less thing for you to do. You definitely need some time for you, but you’re going to have to make it happen.

Sorry but it sounds like you have it really good.

Involved dad who pays full nursery fees plus extra. WFH 50% of the time. Kids in nursery so you aren't constantly with 2yo.

I won't go j to my situation as it's not Top Trumps but it sounds good to me.

Maybe see if there's a library or coworking place or friendly coffee shop near the nursery for the days you aren't in the office so you aren't driving back and forth?

Agree with online shop (and probably getting healthy/"homemade" frozen meals bought in you can just reheat for yourself).

Get to fuck.

Can you pay a cleaner? A babysitter?

I never used to bath mine everyday. It’s not good for their skin anyway. Maybe in this hot weather you do, but not normally.

Simply food. Picky bits. There is no law to say you have to have an elaborate dinner every day. Just make sure it’s balanced, but it doesn’t need to be complex.

Do you have friends you can babysit for in exchange for them doing the same for you? Get together with friends and feed the kids together whilst drinking wine.

Try to stop the work in the evenings. That’s the main cause of no downtime.

From age 3 they are a lot more independent and things get a LOT easier. Hang in there. You will get your life back. It just seems forever at the time.

I think what you describe is pretty much life with young kids. It's tough, and tougher if you're on your own. But most people go on to have more children so the ratio is still 1:1 or worse. It gets better, I promise!

You may find reducing your hours (if possible) actually works out similar financially if you’re not paying for nursery on that day.
So I would definitely look into it and speak to your employer.

It’s hard. Let me first start by saying that. It’s hard when they’re little and it’s still hard when they get bigger. I feel sometimes like I’m going to combust with the weight of everything on my shoulders and the judgement of not making the mark from people with two adult households.

You’ll get through it but if I had my time again, I’d be more deliberate in how I spent my time and what I ignored. We got through to the last day of primary and instead of feeling proud etc, I just sobbed with a sense of loss that I wasn’t able to enjoy any of it because it was all on me to do it on my own.

There’s loads of good advice above on how to outsource etc. I think the only advice I can give is to pare it down the essentials - definitely stop people pleasing activities if you’re still managing to juggle that ball.

Online shop once a week. Slow cooker.
Always cook double quantities and freeze half.
At 2 she can eat the same food as you if you just make simple stews and pasta dishes. It is boring but easy and gets you through till they get a bit bigger.
It sounds really tough OP.