To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

I feel that it would make a big difference to you if, one day a week, you came home from work and the house was tidy and clean, the laundry done and a meal prepped ready for you and your dd. So that you could actually relax for an hour or two and enjoy your little one’s company.
Is it possible to make that happen by way of a cleaner for a few hours OP?
Do you have a sympathetic family member who might help out if you tell them you are struggling ? What about one of your dc’s grandparents ?
Things will get easier but for now you just need a bit of house help somehow.

Of course it isn't normal.

I would guess that 95% of the population currently have more time to themselves than OP. OP is in a really difficult and hard life phase and struggling because she has so little support. Pretending this is normal is a really shitty thing to do.

You might not be able to afford it all but decide what you want to outsource and prioritise

get a cleaner / housekeeper in twice a week - they should be able to do all your laundry + cleaning etc

order frozen meals from Cook + from frive or prep kitchen for yourself

get a nanny to come and do a weekend morning with her so you can catch a break.

It is absolutely shit and so hard while they are young. But not forever.

Can you see if there is a Homestart near you and tell them you are struggling alone? They might send someone to play with your child while you rest or just to give you some adult company and her some attention while you do usual chores like shopping and cooking.

Can you contact a local Gingerbread or similar lone parent organisation?

I am in the it's normal and you cope camp. And I am hugely sympathetic because I know it's tough but there's no other options really are there?

Things you could do is buy or beg some more childcare. It will get easier.

It sounds like you could make the most of it if you felt more organised and less overwhelmed. Childcare paid for and weekend afternoons to yourself are positives in my book. No smelly man in the house either. 90% sit on their bums watching you do all the things anyway and then their parents come round and pick on all your parenting choices… I digress, but counting your blessings can really help with mindset - which in turn helps you feel less overwhelmed.

Can you order food once a week and top up fresh things once, rather than shopping every evening? Lay out 7 outfits for you and 7 for dd on a Sunday, that sort of thing. Use the time dd is with her dad to indulge in something or see a friend. Get the 2 year old in on pairing socks.

LOL you chose to have the child..... yeah because as young girls we all dream to have children and bring them up alone. Real inappropriate comment!

OP I get how you feel I'm a single mum of 4 I don't stop, barely sleep as youngest is 15 months. It's cooking, cleaning, washing, nappies, bottles, demand demand demand. If I would have known I was going to be a lone parent in the future I wouldn't have had children and that's just me being honest. I've been struggling! No social life, feel like I'm on auto robot mum 24/7 and it's boring so I know how you feel.

Unfortunately it is life. Unless the father is prepared to help more and co parent properly then yeah this is life. It's shit, it's sucks, it's draining and it's blooming stressful.

In regard to food shopping maybe get it delivered then you haven't got to go and get it all. In regard to dinners maybe do a bulk load of cooking and freeze it so you don't have to cook all the time. Pick what you want, stick it in the microwave and done.

Have you looked into going part time? What help you would get etc ?

It is a slog, i know. This is the life of a mother, i had 3 , dh was military and away for up to 9 months of the year and we could be 1000s of miles from family. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of another. Men get to pick and choose, we don't.

It happens! That was my life. No support financially, no one near me who could help. It doesn’t last forever. And 💯 try to build a network where you can support others and they support you when you need it. You’ll get through it!

Sounds shit OP, but it will get better. If nothing else your dd will reach an age she will go on sleep overs and that’ll also leave her dad with less of an excuse to be such a precious flower about it.

as another poster said, do you have to work while she’s in bed? Is there anyway you can cut that down? Also what do you do when she’s with her dad? I bet you do ‘jobs’ don’t you? Stop that. Do something that makes you feel more like you.

you should absolutely book some annual leave whilst she’s at nursery. Don’t do anything ‘functional’ on those days and just let yourself collapse/relax a bit.

What hours is your job OP?
Does your LO sleep well at night?

I've been a full time working lone parent for many years, though not when either of mine were so young.

What saved my sanity was proper down time when someone else was minding the children, just so I could either be at home or go out for a run. I would pay sitters to come for an hour just so I could go for a run.
Not having anyone to take over (or even call like many of the mothers whose partners work away probably have) weighs heavily.

On a practical level I did online food delivery and did not cook 2 dinners.

It sounds like you really resent being a parent.

Why are you cooking twice? Why not make one meal and then you both eat together?

😳🤦🏼‍♀️ what the....... what the hell is this comment????? 🙈🙈🙈🙈

The only thing I can suggest is stop cooking twice. On days you work from home, get something in the slow cooker that both of you will eat. Double portions. serve that up.

we eat with our kids at 5.30pm so only cooking once, but if you really prefer to eat later, cook when she’s gone to bed and save her a portion of whatever you cook to reheat for her dinner time the next day .

People are being overly harsh. I feel this way too and I'm not even on my own! But I don't say anything for fear of the kind of comments you're getting from other posters!

You sound like you're doing a really good job considering everything but just need more rest and time for you.

I would definitely look into going down to 4 days pw. When I did it in the past it made a world of difference and felt like so much more time! And because of the threshold for tax I really didn't lose that much financially. It felt crazy not to have done it sooner.

I sometimes play a game of 'how can I make my life easier?' when I feel overwhelmed where I brainstorm all sorts of things from getting a cleaner, getting groceries delivered rather than having to go to the shop to getting a dishwasher to bulk cooking the easiest meals possible to cut down on cooking time. Sometimes things on the list aren't possible (e.g. I can't afford a cleaner) but it's led me to introduce lots of helpful new things. I suggest you play it next time your ex takes your DD!

This is so lovely. I felt
really emotional reading it- really good advice on coping when life is hard

i think most parents have had moments of ‘resenting’ the level of responsibility required 24/7. Particularly with very young children and particularly if they’ve no back up. It’s completely normal. I didn’t think it needed pointing out but apparently you’ve missed it - the resentment is rarely aimed at the children but at people around you who could help but don’t. You’re very lucky if you’ve never found yourself in a similar position that could have furnished you with a little empathy.

its not all giggling over jam tarts and cute splotches of flour on their noses.

This.

At one point I had 3 under 4, working full time.

I expect it's not just the sheer workload but also the lack of any 'just for me' time. Do you have friends, interests, hobbies? Don't say you don't have time - these things are vital and recharge your batteries.

@Cantdoothis what is the child's dad's reason for not taking child overnight at all?????

Exactly this! It’s blooming hard and sometimes you think why? Being a single parent is a struggle as you say you resent people around you when you’re literally asking and pleading for help but no one wants to help!

Yet the same people are quick to judge and have an opinion.

I don’t get any help or support from friends or family. I have an ex who deliberately has our daughter the opposite weekends to my other three children just to spite me, so I don’t get any free time or can’t go out. I’m always stuck with them all the time and it is blooming hard.

Why are you working more at night? You're not paid for that. Just stop it. Work is not your life.

I'm so sorry, that sounds relentless.

One of your jobs now (sorry) is safeguarding your mental health. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Therefore if you find yourself never finding joy in things, feeling flat or emotionless, crying a lot or on edge/anxious or you have sleep or appetite changes please speak to your GP. Many, many people are better parents today because they got help when they were feeling low.

Order food online. Try Ocado for a month and see if you feel it's value. Cook for yourself once and eat over 2-3 days if you can't eat with DD. Don't faff too much with batch cooking, freezing/thawing etc. Bread/flatbread is a perfectly sensible carb for many people.

Does your ex hang round the house for hours with DD? It would help a lot if you could get your home to yourself reliably, even for a few hours. It's really not on that he does so little and also encroaches into your space in his DD time. Paying you doesn't make that ok, if that is what he is doing.

Let's face it, it's just rubbish and relentless when they are that small and you have all my sympathies. It does get easier as they get older I promise but that is no consolation when you are in the trenches, I'm sorry!

Can you get a cleaner? Drop some hours/compress hours so you get a day/half off? Make sure you do take some days off for yourself.

I think given your ex has taken the option to throw money instead of making barely any level of effort to be a parent, you must be seething with resentment that you don't have that option as well.

Sort out online food shopping, once you've set it up it's simple. And order in easy to cook food. If you've got the budget, a cleaner for 2 hours a week can tackle the basics and keep the house to a tolerable level of clean. And stop trying to do everything - you can't. Do what you can live among, and nothing more. Your DD will treasure every moment you get together, don't get so downtrodden that you can't see the wonder that she is.