To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

My advice is to look online calculators for UC and see if you can reduce your hours and claim UC. I developed an autoimmune disease because I was in a similar position to you and I wish I’d been less proud and done this. Instead I left it so long that I had mental breakdown and then need full benefits as I couldn’t work at all.

I've been there, albeit with a partner (but working away).

It's not the same. Even if you are doing the day to day, unless your partner is useless you do have the knowledge that someone supports you, someone will take over at some point, someone to tell you you're doing a great job.

OP is feel very isolated and resentful.

I didn't mean to suggest it's the same. I know it's not.

Shopping delivery

Only cook once

Unless filthy, toddler doesn’t need daily bath

Cleaner

Stop doing anything unnecessary like ironing.

Could you compress your hours and work them over four days? Or slightly reduce?

OP says "It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing."

I don't think life should be like this.

If I were you I’d work compressed hours over 3 days to get 2 off in the week.

I agree with previous posters-
Food shop delivered.
Cook once, not twice.
Condensed hours - Could you go down to four days a week -same hours but over four days not five. If it’s financially viable, drop a day.
Cleaner for a couple of hours a week.
Can you get a babysitter to sit in with your little one in the evening once every 2-3 weeks, so you can go for a meal/ socialise with friends ? It’s amazing what girl time can do for your mental health.
Do you spend time with your lo that isnt just the day to day ‘drudgery’? Soft play, play groups etc - see what’s available in your local area for 2 year olds on the weekends. This will also give you the chance to chat with other mums.
When dad does his visit for a few hours, can you leave them to it and do something you enjoy (walking, a run, a wander round the shops….).

I have a 2.5 YO and I know how hard work it can be!

Firstly… well done getting to 2. It’s bloody hard! They do get easier the older they get, so it can only get better from here.

Can you move to a smaller place closer to town / nursery /schools? It will save you time on drop offs/ pick ups and a smaller place could free up cash to spend on a reliable babysitter a few nights a month, a cleaner, Gousto etc… or even go part time!

But OP already doesn't have any time in a normal working day, so I don't know how she'd fit more hours in.
I hope she comes back and explains her working hours or other things about her day so we can collectively see where there is some wiggle room.

It's hard. If will get easier.

What do you do while your DD is with her dad? A few hours every weekend is a solid chunk of downtime if you use it for yourself instead of chores.

Hi OP. Just wondering, what was the catalyst for this post? Was there something that happened recently to bring you down so much, like eDH getting a holiday/GF, seeing your friends in happy family's?

How long have you been doing things solo? If still quite new you just haven't found your coping rhythm yet.

I am not trying to diminish your feelings with excuses, but this is your life now. Your DD is young and in childcare 5 days a week and you work FT. It isn't easy, at all!

Get in paid support if you can afford it, and delivery is your best friend.

Yanbu. It's grindingly hard. It gets easier quickly when the children are older but the mental load is still hard.

Can you get in a cleaner /home help? This was a lifesaver for me, just a couple of hours a week but it made so much difference (and she would bring her young son along in school holidays so I was helping another single mum out ).

And if she is in day care look at sometimes taking a day/half day of leave and taking a day to yourself. You are allowed time to yourself.

It gets easier I promise but it is also about finding ways to buy in help if needed, even if it's at the expense of money for other things (all our clothes /their toys etc were 2nd hand but the cleaner was worth it to me)

Sadly I think that the only solution for problems like this is to force men to step up and actually have their children 50/50. Which will never happen and often isn't wanted by the mother either, especially if he's a shit.

I was left with five when my youngest was three - their father never took them at all. He moved 300 miles away and saw them once a year. There were times when I was so exhausted and just fed up with it all that I would have ended it if they hadn't needed me so much. All you can do is get your head down and know that this too shall pass.

Some annoying martyrs on this thread boasting about how coped just fine even though it was hell. Life for young mothers, single or otherwise, should not be hell. Fathers should be made to step up, by the courts and by society's expectations. Sure Start and Home-Start programmes should be available for every struggling parent. Women should be raging about the current situation, not telling other women that a miserable, fun-free life is all they should expect.

You are just exhausted after being ill. You need a break. However you get it and however much it costs, you need a night off.

How much would he have to pay through CMS? How much do you earn?. Have you made sure you are better off this way and not claiming through CMS and claiming tax credits towards nursery?

Either way, if nursery costs are covered and you are working FT there must be spare cash to outsource help,.get food deliveries and buy things like cook meals and pay for a home help and maybe occasionally for a babysitter?

Unfortunately that's what being a full-time parent is, especially when you're the only adult in the house. It does get easier when the kids get older and more independent but still, someone always needs you in some capacity, even if it's only to badger them about tidying their room or you feel like you should be doing something enriching with them every moment, there is always a load of things that need doing / have to be done again the next day and there never feels like there is enough time.

Try finding an outlet for just yourself. A gym session or art club or a walk in the park by yourself, smth to look forward to. It is hard but it gets easier as they grow.

I was where you are at. Online shopping, batch cooking and a pile of clothes on back of chair to last you both the week. I made a great big soup for myself for example that lasted till Thursday or big tray of roasted veg that went with various things. And always make extra to freeze and you soon end up with a bit of variety with different things in the freezer. We did picnic teas a lot as it was play and dinner mixed in ie the toys joined us. See if you can compress hours a bit so that one day you have an hour or so extra off either for you both or to yourself.
if finances allow pay for a cleaner or babysitter to give yourself time off

I feel you. I have a one and three year old and similar circumstances. Work are forcing us back in 3 days pw and I just can't.

Sorry I haven’t responded yet I am just doing bathtime etc before I can reply! Thank you all

@Animatic this is the problem, I can’t do any of these things

It’s v hard when children are this age and you’re working, and that’s when you’re married/living with the dad and sharing the load.
As others have said, lower your standards a bit and cut back on as many chores as you can, eg quicker meals/batch cook so you can just heat up and put a bit of veg on the side, children (and adults) don’t actually need a daily bath unless they’re mucky/smelly, it’s better for skin. etc etc.
It’s tough getting through these times but as the saying goes “the days are long but the years are short” - things will definitely get easier as your child gets older, so hang on in there because it won’t last forever.

Sorry OP. I was in this situation (exP had no contact at all, no local family). I can remember how tough this age was.

I worked FT and also worked evenings (academic) until I realised it wasn't sustainable and changed jobs. Is this an option or can you compress hours to buy you some time during the week? This age is a few years ago for us but I now work 9 days and have one day a fortnight.

I can echo others suggestions about trying to batch cook and make life as easy as possible in outsourcing / using online options for food etc. if possible. I couldn't afford a cleaner when my child was 2 but I stopped trying to clean our entire apartment in one session and just set a timer for 25 mins three times a week to tackle high traffic / key issues ( bathroom / kitchen / laundry).

I'm really sorry you are feeling so down. It is so so tough with no one to help but I'm sure you are doing an amazing job. These years are the worst and it is difficult to see it right now but it will get easier. I would make sure that when your ex has your child you do something for you. Walk, coffee, swim, run, nails..anything that gives you a lift. You must step away for a bit, even if only a couple of hours.

Another thing that helped me to focus on strategies for time saving is I made a list of key priorities for me (professional and personal) and then just dumped a lot of stuff that I had always done but was just not working for me at this point. It is a bit tedious but just things like calendar markers to reorder the food shopping etc actually made this a 20 min job.

I think being a solo parent taught me the value of one minute. Try and shut out all the white noise of people around you.

Wishing you lots of good luck. You've got this.

OP apologies as this wasn’t your q but it seems a lot of women are in a similar situation to you.

Why when some men get divorced do they suddenly opt out of parenting? I don’t understand how they are happy from going from seeing their child 7 days a week to a few hours with no proper ‘parent’ activities eg putting child to bed, feeding them, knowing what goes on day to day etc.

Not saying it is ok but I would understand that behaviour more if the relationship was less committed eg got pregnant when casually dating, just got together. But a married man was once at a very committed level to wife and his family so I don’t get the switch to doing a few hours here and there like an aunt or uncle would? What’s the psychology? Seeing the kids as something the ex wife needs ‘help’ with and thus not wanting to ‘help’ the ex wife?

Aware some men may be very much absent in family life pre-split.