To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’?

[Cantdoothis]

I’m late 30s work full time in a demanding career. I do get to work from home half the week but I am solely responsible for our dd who is 2, ex sees her most weekends but never overnight. He lives two hours away and so will take her for a few hours on either a Saturday or Sunday and does bedtime on the day he’s with her. Before anyone says he should be doing more, yep I agree, but he won’t. He pays for nursery in full and 200 on top and says he is paying more proportionately (which he is) to reflect the fact it’s all on me. All sounds ok until I say that I CANNOT do this anymore.

I am run ragged. I do not have a moment. I wake up and get going on jobs for dd. I get in the car, drive 20 mins to nursery (that’s the closest). I either drive back home or to the office. I work, try and squeeze in a food shop. Rush to pick dd up. Do her dinner. Depending on the mood she is in I will have to try and do a bath, if she’s difficult I do it in the morning. I do bedtime routine, then I continue with work and hope she sleeps. I then cook for myself. I am just endlessly listing things now but I feel totally and utterly depleted with no way out.

It’s not that it’s all awful it’s just that it never stops. Someone always needs me. Something always needs doing. I was so unwell last week and honestly I wished I could have jumped ship and ran away from it all. I hate it. Life feels so bloody miserable and never ending jobs. I want to go part time or something but then that would cause other problems financially. Is this just life?

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but it's completely understandable given you're having to work full time, care for a 2year old, and keep house.

There's some useful advice on this thread already about changes you could make to help you get thru this tough period (and each day it gets easier).

Short term, take break if you can, use family and friends, tell your ex he needs to step up for the sake of his child (it shouldn't all be on you, but sadly it seems it is).

Longer term, if you're able to work part time then consider it, as it'll give you time to yourself and head space.

It's brave to admit you feel overwhelmed, and no surprise under the difficult circumstances. Women are under so much pressure to do it all, and really it's not possible, not without consequences, so don't let it be your health. I speak from bitter experience, and working part time was the only way I coped. So find the solution that works for you but don't feel you need to do it all, or that you're a failure because you're struggling. You actually sound like you're doing an amazing job. Look after yourself.

I think it would be reasonable for you to work part time as you do so much childcare and have all the broken nights. The ex needs to use his holiday allowance to give you a break now and re jig things. Good luck and it really does get easier from age 3.

It's understandable you feel miserable i do get this there is no downtime space for your own wellbeing try and get some emotional support at least for now. You are carrying all the responsibilities of being a parent and it is the hardest job in the world even when there is 2 of you. I would suggest you ask your ex to take dd a couple of times a week explain she is going to nursery 5 days a week and this won't happen at school she will be off every 6 weeks and you can't be responsible for All the child care and work full time and you had ur dd together and he needs to step up as her dad. paying nursery fees and 200 is not being a dad. He should be paying towards all of her upbringing her home her living expenses her clothes not just the part so you can work. If u got ill who would take care of her? Please try and review your work/life balance. Men piss me off when they have a child then walk away she is 50% his responsibility no matter where he lives. Good luck op but it won't be forever but she will be worth it.

No, not reality shows. I didn't write that.

‘base your reality on TV shows‘

Apologises, that’s what I thought you meant, but no I base it on bedtime in my house with children the same age.

Honestly op. I think you have built up a bit of a martyr complex in your head which is driving you mad. I know you're resentful that he has fecked off, you've every right to be but having said that, it shouldn't be as unbearable as you seem to find it. Your daughter would be going to bed early enough during the week so I'd allocate one night after she's gone to blitz the house , one night a movie night for me to chill and watch something , one to batch cook to make dinners during the week easier and then I'd use my child free time at the weekend to browse the shops or take a walk and do something for yourself.'
It might be worth having a chat with your gp to see if he could give you something short term to help.

Look, in regards to yiur ex partner saying he won't do this or that because he pays x amount what a absolute legend he sounds (not), you tell him he's to his daughter every other weekend, do not settle for his lazy excuse I live 2 hrs away.....who gives a flying car where he lives she is his child, secondly stick to yiur working times anything outside of this you are actually legally not obliged to do and they have to reduce yiur hrs because you have that child there are other resources that will help your wage top up, you are entitled to these resources so grab them, you sound like a perfectly dedicated mother who is surviving litrally on a thread but sometimes you just have to say stop ✋️ I can't do this speak to yiur gp honestly there so bloody helpful and can also direct you to people who can help you with quite a bit I know because I've been here myself with 2 children no father and no job because I couldn't keep it and look after my boys and families quite frankly these days are you made your bed you lie in it which is true in many ways but about as helpful as a sack of shit xx contact me If you need a friend yes I'm a woman lol 😆 just remember your a human being to xxx

Sorry you are struggling ….
A couple of suggestions -
Cab you get home delivery of the supermarket shop ?
Can you enquire about a babysitter once a week or even fortnight - justify the cost as your sanity
All the best

While I have huge sympathy with you for your situation you ask if this is life and I’m afraid the answer is yes. Having children is hard work. It always has been. This is why for centuries it has been done by two parents, by extended families and even by older children looking after younger ones. This generation is unique in thinking that one person can look after children on their own. You need a support network. Whether from friends, family, partner or paid help is dependent on what is available and what is affordable. I’d be rethinking your financial situation. Do you need the salary from a high powered job or could you make do with less. If you want to keep the job could you afford to pay for more childcare or for domestic help. Could you let your standards drop a little for a while so you eat ready made meals and don’t do so much cleaning etc. You do not have to be super mum. You just have to be good enough to keep her safe, fed and watered and loved. It does get easier as they get older and the become more independent. Good luck.

Is your DD in nursery full time, as in 5 days a week? Then maybe someone to pick her up 2 or 3 times a week, take her home, feed and bathe her (so ready for bed) would help you? I'm afraid you'll have to cope one way or another, but do look out for sympathetic friends or neighbours, and what about the grandparents?

Op I’m sorry you’re struggling, being a single parent isn’t easy by any means. You’ll need to take stock of the things that you need to change drastically, in order to have a more balanced life. Whilst you cannot force ex to be more involved than he is, it’s still worth having a discussion about him having dc overnights. And perhaps look at reducing your hours, what out goings can you reduce? And be sure you’re claiming everything you’re entitled to.

Word of warning, if you ignore this long enough your body will force you to stop. Parental burnout is very real and not talked about often enough. From my experience, it will be far harder to recover from burnout than making lifestyle changes whilst you still can.

Can you take a couple of days on annual leave while your DD is in nursery so you can reset and rest? I know it doesn’t help now but kids do get easier as they get older. Once she can watch a film, get blankets on the sofa and you can zone out for 2hrs. Make it a regular thing so you can look forward to it. I agree with PP re Cook and delivery of shopping. Is there anyone at all who can have your DD for a few hours? While she’s with her dad, can you prioritise your own needs then? Keep going, you’re doing a great job and I’m sure the input you’re having now into your DD’s early years will be having a positive effect for later in life x

Maybe you just need a better routein?
If you don't get help then surely you shouldn't be full time doesn't make sense to be their is always things to cut back on to be more present no point being overly stressed over a job you don't live to work.

Why do these threads always become a competition of who had it worse? IT DOESN'T MATTER. OP, it's so fucking tough. I have a baby and DH's unconditional support and it's still fucking tough. There's no village. Please don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

What can you do to simplify your life? Can you afford to externalise some stuff? Eg cleaning, etc? Can you maybe afford a babysitter a few hours a week so you can catch a break? Play dates, perhaps?

Also, do your food shop online and get it delivered, it'll save a lot of time

Sending unmumsnetty hugs

Try to keep remembering that this bit is incredibly tough and not forever. It’s only a matter of months until this bit is finished. Twelve months, twenty four more months.. This bit will get a lot easier.

And to all the “Well my husband worked away in the week and it was hard” brigade, please just push off. It’s in no way comparable with being a single parent.

Thanks for this helpful perspective. I’m sure OP is delighted.

Could you manage 90% and have a half day somewhere?

i also would not me tion to the wx thag you are considering part time. He doesnt sound like he would pay for nursery while you are not working.

Op, I have been in a similar situation. I have got a cleaner in to just give me a bit of relaxation. Just try and cut any corners you can.

Also use this point to look for a primary school which has great afterschool and holiday provision and breakfast clubs and is near your house. Start researching on holiday schemes around you.

As some have said it does get easier but the need is now.
Book an extra slot with nursery or local childminder for a weekend day or half day (your ex will have to work round it) and just be yourself for a bit even if that means sitting in the garden and reading a book with a coffee (don't swallow it up with jobs, this is a spa time for your brain).
My kids are grown up but more recently I've been a carer and it's the need for a chunk of space in your own head without the feeling it can be snatched from you any second that you need to find.
Good luck

I was in exactly this situation and what worked for me was "find your tribe". I got together with some other single mums and pooled our resources - we would cover for one another during sickness, club together and do 2 big shops a month, have big cook in sessions to fill our freezers with affordable home made food and facilitate free escape time for each of us. The kids benefitted from getting together and although we couldn't afford holidays at that point we did manage days out to the seaside and shared car or bus runs for holiday clubs, and even managed the odd night out covering turn and turn about. We drifted apart as the kids got older and people found new partners and moved away, but still keep in touch and meet up. Alone is exhausting, supporting each other can work really well

@Trapunt0 nails it for me. Spa time for your brain - I like it. Being able to switch off sometimes knowing that someone else is on duty makes way more difference in my brain than cleaners or systems.

Worth looking round for sports centres that have a crèche too. Our local council (or ex-council) one does. You can book a child in for up to 2 hours and just hit the cafe if you like.

YANBU - life like this is bloody exhausting and feels like Groundhog Day. The light at the end of the tunnel is she won’t always be this dependent on you. And if you can build relationships with other mums at nursery and then reception, you will see how many other mums are in this situation and you can build a rota to help each other. You will get through it and your relationship with your DD will be incredibly strong as one day she will turn round and thank you. X

When my kids were this age, I would just get through the day and remember looking at them in their beds every night and just feeling relieved that I had got another day through. Maybe some people have lots of help and breeze through it and relax and enjoy but this was my experience of that age group!

OP where are you based?? Not sure if you have answered before -

That's a good idea I often popped DS in the creche and did a short workout and then chilling in cafe. He asked to visit there regularly which forcEd me to exercise more lol