DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

It sounds like a good thing for your DH. I agree though, that if he’s only working 0.8fte then he has to pick up a fair bit more of the housework.

YANBU, but …. Look @DevilsKitchen i understand your frustration - but is it with your DH or your working life? If it’s the latter maybe the 2 of you need to have an “all cards on the table” conversation about your two working lives together.

If you could scale your hours down to 0.8 FTE, would you? What would you do with the extra day of your time?

Or is it that you feel your DH lacks responsibility - that the burden is on you and he has freedom you don’t? Is there training you would like to do, that he could support you through?

And if you are contemplating having children then that needs to be factored in. You should be working and saving towards that. Is it that he expects to take on the main care of DC after your maternity leave/s? Can he /does he carry the same mental load as you do?

basically is this more than just a worry about the money he brings in?

But he is a breadwinner now with room for advancement it sounds like.

Why don’t you look for something on the same salary that you could do four days a week too?

You sound jealous. You were happy enough with his salary before. If he’s earning the same you can live on it so why not allow the benefit of time. Maybe he will use it for study so he can earn even more one day. Or maybe you’ll want to reduce your hours when you become a parent and then he can flex up. Your relationship sounds horribly unhealthy.

Is it possible for you to go part-time too? I think your negative relationship with work and money is colouring your judgement and poisoning the good things in life.

God, exactly! He'll be working less, earning more (due to WFH) and furthering his career - surely that's a massive win for everyone?!

Imagine if a woman had that kind of opportunity and her partner was bitching about it...

If something good happened to me and my partner tried to negate the positives of it as much as possible I would think they did not love me. You say you love him so try to take a step back and think about how nice it is that something good has happened to someone you love.

I do understand how you could secretly feel resentful but to act on that is very unreasonable, will hurt him and will damage your relationship.

You sound resentful and unreasonable.

What's your reason for wanting him to do this though? It sounds like you're just jealous that he will have the extra day off, as he won't be taking a pay cut by dropping the day at work, so it doesn't seem to be for financial reasons.

• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

This is literally the only thing in your OP that IS reasonable.. all the others are ridiculous and not up to you. But picking up more of the domestic load when you work less days should be assumed, regardless of your gender, if he was a decent husband that would just happen automatically without you having to lay down the law about it.

If this was my DH I'd be happy that he'd got a job that earned the same but meant he was working less and able to knock the commute on the head, but he would do more around the house on that extra day.

You can't force him to have the same work ethic as you, it's either there or it's not, there's no point having a big house if one or both of you are miserable about what it costs you (and I don't mean money).

I outearn my husband 5 to 1. If he had the opportunity to work 4 days a week in a more flexible position for the same amount of money I'd be delighted for him.

We don’t NEED the money but we would like to buy a bigger house eventually and to me that won’t happen unless we are both trying to earn as much as we are able.

You do need the money then. Let's face it everyone needs more money unless you are Bill Gates.

You don't sound like you like this man very much and are very resentful that he is getting to work less for the same money. That's all this is about.

How would you feel if he earned even more for a 4 day week? You seem over fixated on the number of days rather than the money he is earning.

Either way it doesn't sound like there is a healthy dynamic here - it maybe that your disparity in earning power is causing friction for you. It often happens and its why people who need or want to work are better off partnering with those at a similar earning power level - applies to both men and women. Otherwise what happens typically is that the higher earner feels the lower earner is living off them and gets hostile about it and uses it as leverage in arguments (I'm paying so you'll do what I say).

This wording

doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role

is very telling. You can't "make" another adult do anything - unless you think you have leverage over them (like earning more!). It's a throwaway line you've written on an internet post probably without too much thought - so it is very very revealing of your core attitude to him.

Honestly, I think you probably should split up before you have children because if you have this much resentment now, it will only get worse if you have children and then want to go part time or have a longer maternity leave but can't because you need to earn and he can't support you as you want. You will end up having huge huge rows over money. I'd quit now and find a partner who earns closer to your expectations.

So your partner, who you (presumably) love and care about and want the best for, gets a promotion that will help their career/ CV, continues to contribute the same amount of money to the household, and gets a better work life balance?

You should talk to someone about your resentment OP, it's not normal. You are begrudging him for no reason whatsoever.

Sounds like you are jealous, and don't particularly like your husband! Maybe focus on working out why you feel the need to resent something good happening to someone? Are you unhappy in your own life? Do you want to work fewer hours for example? If so, can you find a way for this to happen?

On a practical note, many employers won't tolerate you working elsewhere at the same time.

If he works less hours then yes, he should pick up more household chores. But that’s the extent of it. If he’s earning more for less hours good for him - why would you want to force him to find something else for day 5 ? Do you need him to earn more. I think you need to sort out your feelings because there seems to be a lot of resentment here.

Someone who I used to work for years ago had a wife who was made redundant, she started her own business from home which had always been a passion of hers, and it was really picking up but he was so obsessed with money he made her go cleaning in a hospital to make sure she 'contributed fairly'.

She tried to do both for a couple of years, but she didn't have time to run the business and she started to burn out, so in the end (with much rejoicing from me!) she told him to shove it, she quit her job and concentrated solely on her business and it came on brilliantly, the irony being now that he then lost his job a few years after and her business now supports the whole family.

Don't be like him OP, it was so obvious that his priority was money making and her health and wellbeing was a distant second.

Repeating a lot of posters here.

I out-earn my husband. We both work full time but due to differences in the actual .times we work, he ends up doing significantly more in the house during term time. If he was offered a opportunity like your husband has (and congrats to him!) I'd be delighted for him. I think your demands (bar the fourth) are unfair and mean-spirited.

On a wider point, your outlook on your marriage seems really transactional. A partnership doesn't function well when someone is keeping tabs on the minutiae of who earns X vs Y, or X hours vs Y hours. You chose to spend a life together. I don't know why you would grudge such a great prospect for him, safe in the knowledge that he also has the best aspirations and desires for your happiness too.

None of the money stuff matters if this is a true partnership - what matters is how you show up for the person you're choosing to build and share a life with. At the end of the day, is he a good man who makes your life better? Because if he is, just be happy for this amazing opportunity for him.

you are beyond unreasonable.
I highly doubt you’d be getting a second job for one day a week if the roles were reversed.

Also, a 5 day work week isn’t law. It’s a made up construct. OP, this is pure jealousy. You’re resentful he gets to work less days, you’ve said it yourself. Can’t you be happy for him? And can he not spend the day off contributing to household labour or, just throwing it out there, enjoying himself?

It’s unusual for a job to be offered at 0.8FTE, do you suspect that he wanted 0.8 and asked for it, but doesn’t want to tell you?

Your behaviour is pretty outrageous here, to be honest. Where does your resentment come from?

Blimey. This is a tricky one - pre-kids I earned way less than my DH as I’m a teacher and he has a high paid private job… I however had loads of holidays and felt I was doing a worthwhile job whilst he sometimes felt his was all about the money… I did pick up more of the load in the holidays when I wasn’t working. I think in general if your DH can bring in the same money working 0.8 and have a better work life balance, I’d be all for it! It can only make home life better/easier, surely?

Meant to say - I think it’s unreasonable to ask him to find work on the 5th day - he’s already balancing the books working 0.8, why would he need to?

This! With bells on!

I can see some possible justifications for resentment.

From your OP: I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time.

Maybe you are focussed on "maximising his eaarning potential" because that's how he justified being supported while he studied - to maximise his earning potential later on. Or maybe that was the story you told yourself but now it's looking as if he has other priorities.

And working is part-time yourself is not the solution if you wanted your nice family house and you thought that you were supporting your husband so that you could both pursue that goal in the long run. Either the goalposts have moved, or else they were never where you thought they were.

I wouldn't just try to set conditions, I would really unpack what's behind the resentment.

@Apfelkuchen its a 0.8 position - somebody at 0.8 left so this is what is available. Somebody upthread asked how I would feel if it was more money - in this instance I wouldn’t mind. At the core of it I knew he was looking for progression and had hoped that this would come with an extra cash injection - as it is we are getting the progression but no additional money.

Anyway we talked about it - he also was hoping a step up would mean more money and he’s already had some thoughts about what he would do on the 5th day and what can be negotiated with his current employer and how this might lead to a similar grad full time position down the line so everyone can stop worrying about the state of my marriage

So he is going from 5 days working in the office to 4 days working, made up of 2 days in the office and 2 days working at home. His wage is staying the same with the potential to earn more.

And you don't want him working 4 days and want him doing a second job on his day off?

Did you ever have the discussion that you were not prepared to always be the high earner and that he needed to earn more than you and needs to work 5 days?

Are the plans that you work part time when you have children or do you plan to do full time?