DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

So you are fine with how the finances are split currently, your only issue is he will work fewer hours? This sounds rather controlling.

'Maximise earning potential' doesn't sound a great approach to life.

very mean outlook

Maybe he wouldn't be that bothered - lots of people aren't.

DH and I could both earn more than we currently do, but neither of us see the need to work full-time hours. We easily cover our bills with plenty to spare, we pay into pensions, we own a home, we don't have kids - we'd rather have a bit less money and more free time to do what we enjoy.

If we had expensive hobbies, or multiple children, or lived in London, it might be different, of course.

Whereas my H working wouldn't be enough to pay for it so he doesn't work more.

I've seen too many people chase money and it not work out (young deaths, redundancies, taking out huge mortgages, awful family relationships because they were never there, mental health crises). You can't put a price on having a good work life balance.

I have a decent job but my DH earns 4 times as much. My work is more stressful. I work four days, and recently said to him that maybe I could work full time now that it’s just us at home. He said why would you do that? And never ever has he expected me to do more housework or told me what to do on my day off. Never.

Because it's not about the salary being the same at 0.8. Its about the dependance on the OP as the breadwinner which is actually the kicker! If all things were equal, you'd be right but they're not. This is about another adult believing he can chill because the other person earns the bulk of the money to support their lifestyle.

100%. Yes, you need enough money to cover the essentials but beyond that, earning the "maximum amount possible" is just personal choice, surely?

I did the full-time job with the long commute and ended up burning out - the money was 100% not bloody worth it. I'm much happier now!

I think this very much depends on the chasm between the earnings in fairness.

If I were on my own, I could keep our house and family living standards. If my DH were on his own, he'd be looking at a bedsit. Most people would care about that.

Nothing is more stressful to me than not having enough money to do what I want or worrying about unexpected bills. I think people have very different feelings on this.

What sort of job do you want him to have on the spare day? Other than Deliveroo type jobs are there any that just offer one day a week?

Or are you thinking Deliveroo type jobs?

Glad it's not just me!

Loads of people are moving to a 4 day working week these days and good for them!

I think it's great he got a promotion on .80 time! I would expect him to take on bit more household stuff as he obviously would have more free time.
And if you have kids it be also very handy to have one on less hours.
You sound jealous of him maybe you could try go .8 as well - then alls fair?

But that’s a reach in itself- nowhere has the OP indicated that they’re struggling and really need him to be earning more. If he was demanding an expensive lifestyle which he couldn’t afford this would be different but it sounds like his salary is still decent and all the OP wants is for him to “maximise his earning potential.” For all we know they could be perfectly comfortable on the equivalent of 2x his 0.8 salary.

@BunnyLake in the past he has done odd bits of speaking, lecturing, marking and tutoring. He has also worked with his dad supporting his business when his dad was on long term sick. Any of those things - not deliveroo, bar work or shop work as people have assumed.

Has the OP said any of those things are currently an issue? They're saving so unexpected bills dealt with fine.

Unless that one day a week’s pay is significant and going to make a big difference I don’t really see why it’s important to you he works on that day?

Hm, I have mixed feelings about this. I think one question for me would be, what would he do on the extra day off? He should be contributing to the family in some way, if not financially then in some other way, housework, home improvement, childcare, whatever. Does his extra day off work and shorter commute time help to increase your earning potential or your quality of life?

It also sounds as if you've been supporting him (until recently) and you feel he's taken that for granted? Do you want children and do you expect him to support you more financially if you have children? Are you worried that he wont be able to or wont want to? That you'll be working fulltime and looking after a baby and he's picking and choosing?

My DH is working 80% to my 100% and now earning just a bit more than I do. It's fair because I took a lot of time out and part-time work when DCs were young and he had to support us which wasn't easy (but we agreed it was best all round) I do get a bit anxious about our pensions but we're not doing badly and we should be OK.

I think you need to have a "bigger picture" talk, not just about this job but about how you both see life panning out over the next few years. Especially if you start a family because how you each see the childcare/wage-earning division can be a huge elephant in the room and source of marital stress if you are not really on the same page about who does what.

You sound jealous he’s got a promotion, a shorter week for the same money and more WFH time.

I confess I would be a tiny bit jealous too .....

Youre so unreasonable it’s so bonkers. Surely most peoples goal is to work less for the same pay? Life is for living not working.
Yet his studying has likely had the benefit of allowing him into this position & so you’ve decided he needs to find more work? Because he’s doing well??

Id love my husband to earn the same for 4 days as he dies for 5. Id be delighted for him. I’d wish he spent it enjoying his time for a few weeks a month & doing some diy or chores the other days. I’d mandate (we’d agree) he sorted out kids on that day off as I’m expected go when I’m off and he’s working. I’d get a more of a cleaner.

id then go into my job & see what I could sort for myself. In no universe would I make him work 5 days because I have too (& btw, you don’t have to, it sounds like you can well afford to drop a day or condense hours)

If you both have equal access to a shared pot of money, then you can reasonably expect a fair share of leisure time too.

So, if you are working/commuting 45 hours a week in the office while he is working/commuting 30 hours, it would make sense that he picks up most of the housework / cooking etc. to level up your work during the week.

If he doesn't want to do this, then I would revert to the model where you both pay 50% towards your household expenses and if you want to you could get the leisure you want by paying for help around the home (eg cleaner, maybe personal assistant etc) .

Do you want him to do that, or pick up the housework? Because he can't do both. And how much of the household stuff can there possibly be with two adults who have been at the office full time until recently?

I am seeing more and more people who do not have children starting to work 0.8 or a 9 day fortnight. It makes a huge difference to their work life balance.

How would you feel if he didn't take the promotion and instead stayed on at 1.0 earning the same amount as he could at 0.8?

This sounds crazy. He will be making the same money but working one day less a week. I would say you are begrudging a better work life balance that has been presented to your husband because you have not been offered the same. I don't think you should expect him to pick up more work on the day off etc. but I do agree with him doing extra house work since he has more free time. If you would like to work less cut your hours if you can. If you can't because of your commitments then that is the bed you've made based on your joint incomes .

yes, they should do this and also more stuff on days with no commute, as they will finish work earlier (not suggesting doing stuff when working, but sticking stuff in dishwasher/washing machine during lunch would be sensible)

I'm the main earner in the family. I still feel like this. And we have four children to support. If DH found a job that paid the same but for working four days a week rather than five I would be happy for him. It's clearly a chunky promotion for starters. And I am sure he would pick up extra jobs around the house without me even asking him to.

Equally when I recently chose to drop my earnings fairly substantially, for a role more manageable with my health condition, he actively encouraged me to. And there was no suggestion I should "do" anything extra to make up for that substantial drop in earnings.

Yes to more household chores, no to the rest... my husband is a self employed musician who works less hours than me (as you would expect) he does more childcare and domestic work. I would never ever tell him he has to do more paid work unless we were in financial trouble - I would hate it if someone did that to me. I'm pleased for him that he does something he loves, has good work-life balance and we feel comfortable. If i ever feel resentful we talk it out and figure out if there is something more I need though like more social time or help with mental load stuff like buying kids uniforms etc!

As the financial situation isn't changing I'm wondering if your reaction is more about being jealous that he gets a day "off" and you don't? If so the solution may well be ensuring that he takes more chores off your plate so you can have extra down time at weekends/evenings, that way you both get the benefit?