DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

You seems resentful but you don’t quite realise it. That is the emotion you are feeling. Happy to name it for you.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison so watch out!

You’ve no right to start asking questions now because you surely knew his earning capacity way before now!

Something about OP’s resistance to a better work life balance for the same salary leads me to think that actually she just subscribes to the slave it out, thankless unpaid overtime, presenteeism work culture and this isn’t really about what either of them earn.

There’s one scenario where a partner is relying on the other as the breadwinner because they can’t make ends meet themselves on their very low salary, and then there’s one partner earning significantly more because they choose to sell their soul to climb the corporate ladder because ultimately that’s what they want to do. OP comes across like the latter.
Are you really saying that as a couple with no kids, you couldn’t afford to work 0.8 yourself because his income is so low?

I think you are unreasonable in all your points except expecting him to take on more household duties. The finding casual work on his 5th day sounds particularly petty. How about agreeing some more indepth household tasks for him to do on that day so that you feel you are benefiting through having time consuming tasks taken from you, eg decorating a room or revamping the garden.

Gosh, I'd be delighted for my husband if he was given this opportunity, not jealous or resentful. I think it makes sense for him to aspire to a full time role eventually, once it becomes available, but I don't think it's fair for you to basically demand it - just ask him if that's what he's planning to do and see if it's already on his agenda.

I'm the breadwinner too, but I don't hold it over my husband - we work in very different industries and his happens to be lower paid than mine. I don't expect him to use his free hours to top up his pay.

In terms of housework, I think a decent partner would pick up the slack if they're working fewer hours (I work fewer than my husband for more pay and so use the extra time to do a bit of extra hoovering/cooking etc.). If your expenses are split according to proportion of salary, then it makes sense for housework to be split according to hours worked. But I'm not sure I'd demand it from the off, rather bring it up if he doesn't pick up his boots.

I do wonder if under the surface there is a compatibility issue though - e.g. if you're extremely career and money motivated but he just works to live, then I can see how this would grate on you over time. In which case you'd have to either make peace with it, suffer together, or split.

This was me a year ago op, got offered a promotion but 0.8 so 4 days a week. Worked out same money but better prospects. To be honest it’s been a game changer for me having that work life balance. I obviously pick up more life admin / housework on my Fridays off, which is usually just getting ahead of the washing / shopping for the weekend. We also have 3 dc, two still at home (exam ages) so it’s been nice to have extra time with them.
Dh is over the moon for me. No way in hell would he make me get another job on my day off! I don’t think 0.8 is massively part time.
if you have dc then this would be a bonus for childcare.
I’m not sure how old you are op, but I’m late 40s so happy to be having more of a work life balance and if a higher paid role came up I’d go for it of course as I still want to climb the career ladder but I’d be asking for compressed hours to stay at 4 days.
You sound jealous op.

I guess my point is that you don't need to earn the maximum amount possible in order to be happy and cover your essentials - and I would include unexpected bills and savings in that. Personally I don't have expensive hobbies so that's not something I need to worry about. I can easily cover my essentials, savings and keep some aside for fun, so I'm happy, even though I could earn more.

But you're right, everyone's different, and if OP and her DH aren't on the same page when it comes to finances then it's going to cause even more issues down the line.

Sorry. Can’t get my head around your constant repetition of the phrase ‘maximise his earning potential’. That’s not what life or marriage is about.

I agree that if he’s working fewer days he should do more of the housework, but otherwise I think you’re being unreasonable. Are you in a more money-focused and higher paying sector than he is?

Imposing conditions on his accepting a promotion is dickish and controlling. Just congratulate him FGS.

YABU. Are you jealous? I’d love to do 0.8 for same money. Why don’t you go part time as well? You sound very resentful of having earned more. The only reasonable part is that he should be a larger share of household tasks as he’s working less. But as a 2 adult household, housework isn’t really not that arduous.

Why should he have to fill in his extra day off doing other work? Why not enjoy it? Surely you're a team and each dependent on each other?

DH and I have been married for over 20 years and raised three DC but we've always pulled together sometimes through very difficult circumstances. Between us we've worked full time, part time, shared child care, been self employed and run a business on the side but we've always worked as a team. As long as the bills were paid and the kids cared for it hasn't mattered who works which days.

Hi, I do understand some of what you are feeling. Can I ask, did your DH negotiate the promotion with less hours / working days? I am wondering if he had any other choices ie. a promotion with more money and working 5 days but opted for the same money with less days? If he did this without taking the opportunity to earn more or consulting you, then I wouldn't personally be happy with that.

I was the breadwinner for 18 years with my EXH and I can see how resentment can seep in - mine was a stat at home Dad for 11 years and did all the chores etc. but I refused to work 5 days while he wasn't in a job - especially when my DS was at school. This came back to haunt me when we split and my DS said that his Dad had always been there for him and I hadn't - I felt like I didnt have a choice. These are all considerations for the future if you decide to start a family.

But he isn't taking a drop in income for a better balance so I don't see any issues apart from jealousy on your part.
Any reason you couldn't drop a day

Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported

But his income isn’t changing.

He has an incredible opportunity and you are just jealous that he gets a day off and can WFH.

He is going to have a better work/life balance than you and instead of being bitter about it and trying to change it, should be focusing on how you can do the same.

A 2 income household with no kids, should not need any more money and I would be looking into how you can make changes to your lifestyle so you can drop a day too.

"Wouldn't find it attractive"?

How odd.

If you want to work 4 days then work 4 days too 🤷‍♀️ but don’t think you can tell him what to do - If he’s not gonna be bringing in less then what are you saying - no you can’t move jobs cus your jealous he gets to work less days?

@DevilsKitchen The money is irrelevant here.

If he is working 4 days a week then it would make sense that he gets a lot of the housework or chores done on his day off.

Careful your resentment doesn't come across to him. I work 4 days a week teaching and my day off I spend doing lesson planning and marking. My DH clearly resents the 13 weeks holiday I get, even though I spent every day of my holiday looking after our 3 kids. He sees it as his opportunity to not lift a finger... you're coming across just like my DH!

So you wouldn’t find it attractive if you worked 5 days and your DP worked PT.

But are ok with him working 5 days whilst you only work PT.

Let’s hope your DH doesn’t find it unattractive of you to only work PT like you would if it was the other way around.

I'm out of wack with a lot of people on here. I think it really depends how much the OP actually earns at the moment and what the income discrepancy is between her and her DH. It's very relevant that they don't have kids and may not ever decide to have kids as the whole thing shifts if her DH were to have childcare responsbilities.

Obviously he should take the job - it would be madness not to take the promotion. However (absent ill health), in the same situation I would also have the expectation that the 0.8 is temporary and not a permanent move - i.e. if more hours become available in the new role, I'd expect my DH to take them in this situation.

This assumes that we're not talking about a scenario where the OP earns so much her DH's salary is really insignificant. Comfortable means very different things to different people on Mumsnet and it's not clear at all to me that they're in a position where the DH earning 20% more doesn't make a difference to their finances.

It's also not clear to me that he actually can cover his share of expenses and this is relevant. If the DH couldn't actually afford to go 50:50 on agreed shared expenses, then if he were to refuse to go back to full term it would effectively be him choosing to have more free time and the OP fund that. I do think the OP gets an opinion on whether he works full time in that situation - yes life isn't all about work but the DH would be getting to choose that he doesn't make life all about work because the OP is funding him.

On getting a job on the 5th day. If the OP is earning 500k a year and the DH would be looking at bar work, yes that's just ridiculous - making him take a second job is just petty. If the OP's on (eg) 30k, it might actually be a significant additional contribution to household finances. Again, if the DH isn't going 50:50 on shared expenses and the second job would make a difference to them, I think it's a perfectly fair discussion for her to have with him.

And of course he should be doing more housework.

I earn 4x what my DH does. If my DH were to be offered to work 0.8 for the same salary, I'd tell him to jump at it (and even more so if it was a promotion that was good for his career). I wouldn't expect him to pick up a second job on the 5th day unless it was something that paid decently but equally I'm not sure I'd be ok if he decided that was it and he was never working full time again. Even with me out earning him 4x, 20% more money coming in a month would make a difference to our long term goals - in particular retirement savings and how long I have to keep working in a long hours, high stress job that is actually breaking me. I could potentially go to 0.8 myself, but like the OP it's not actually an option because we couldn't afford it as a family.

I have always been the higher earner. With my ex husband and every boyfriend I've had.

I know exactly how you feel and I totally understand the resentment. But you can't call the shots like that.

If you don't like your job being full time, start looking for a part time one and earn less. I suspect you won't because you'll be a high achiever and that doesn't suit you and also because I imagine not many part time roles come at your level.

I would absolutely, however, expect him to pick up more stuff at home. Dp does the lions share of housework in our relationship and I have far less resentment than I had with other partners because of it. But I've been through a few relationships 😂

I thought exactly the same, imagine how much housework etc. could get done in one full day. To be honest he should really be volunteering to do that on his day off anyway, this is what I would do so the weekends were freed up for both of you.

Find yourself a high flyer like yourself and be done with it.

You love money more than you love your DH.

Or let’s say subconsciously you seek a higher status mate and you’re forcing your DH up there which may not be his path and making work and money the excuse to test and reject him.

Dont have kids with this man, there’ll be endless arguments about money and work.

If you’re already uneasy, what’s the point?

I'm in the same position where I earn more than double my partner. If he was offered this, I'd be delighted! He'd undoubtedly sort the household tasks we normally do together on a weekend.
I've just been into his office (wfh) to read him this thread and tell him to get it sorted 🤣

Not one person said on their death bed - I wish I'd worked more. Chill out a bit. Money isn't everything.

If I’m reading this correctly he’s going to:
further his career
earn more money
save travel costs
have to work less
be able to spend more time with his family
hopefully help out more

You're then resentful of this. My word.

OP if you were offered a similar role as you do now but you’d be working 4 days instead of 5, would you take it?

Would you feel guilty for securing a role that was exactly the same pay but just less hours?

Why don’t you put in a flexible working request and drop to 4 days too? If you don’t need the money then having 3 days off together would be amazing