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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and a new job at 0.8

297 replies

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:31

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

  • If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
  • It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
  • He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
  • If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/08/2024 17:33

Glad you've talked and you're on the same page about it!

WitchintheDitch · 02/08/2024 17:35

He needs to run for the hills

CharlotteLucas3 · 02/08/2024 17:38

You say you don’t need his money. Why don’t you focus on being able to work four days yourself? That way you’ll both be happier and be more likely to be happy and have better health. There’s no rule that says people have to work five days a week - it’s just something that humans have made up.

bridgetreilly · 02/08/2024 17:40

Honestly, you do sound unreasonable. His opportunity is a good one for his career, does not reduce you household income, or impinge on you in any negative way. You don’t get to set conditions on his choices, though it is certainly reasonable for him to spend his fifth day doing housework so that you both get to enjoy the weekends more.

It is not a zero sum game where his gain means your loss. Just be happy for him?

ElleintheWoods · 02/08/2024 17:46

Are you guys really struggling financially?

I understand you’re a household but why are you controlling your partner like that and asking a bunch of strangers to weigh in on HIS decision?

If he wants progression at work, and the only role available that he has been offered is 0.8, then that’s totally up to him, it’s his career, his life, and this new role seems like an improvement in all the ways. He progresses, makes more money pro rata, and gets time back. Does he tell you what you can and can’t do with regards to your career? Don’t you want your partner to be happy and have a better life? Or do you prefer him sitting in traffic 5 days a week? Why the resentment towards someone you’re supposed to love?

I work in a really good, flexible company where going over hours is essentially frowned upon and make far more than some of my friends in other companies pulling 60 hour weeks.

If a partner who worked crazy hours and didn’t have flexibility asked me to leverage my free time to earn more/ do more for his benefit even though we both work FT, it would be a hard no. And I’d find that kind of dictatorship very off-putting.

DeclineandFall · 02/08/2024 17:48

I work 0.8 and Dh is full time. He earns much more than me. I use my day off to do all the housework so its not really a day off. I'd be much happier if he did 0.8 and I worked 5 days and he did the housework but fat chance of that. We have DC.
If he uses his day off to do the housework so you both have better quality time at the weekend then that gives a great balance. Or you both do 0.8.

Est1990 · 02/08/2024 17:53

If he is happy to catch up on the housework on his day off then you guys will have more quality time on the weekends 😁 (that's what I would do naturally if i was your DH...but some people need to be 'guided' to that conclusion 😅)

Ottervision · 02/08/2024 17:55

If he's earning the same I'd see it as a nice bonus that he only gets to work 4 days, and he can do kid related stuff on the 5th. I am trying to get dh to do the same, but there's no resentment between us earnings wise where I feel there is here. I feel like you should just be happy for him really?

MultiplaLight · 02/08/2024 18:01

Wouldn't that conversation have been useful before your post? I hope he never reads this thread....

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 18:10

CharlotteLucas3 · 02/08/2024 17:38

You say you don’t need his money. Why don’t you focus on being able to work four days yourself? That way you’ll both be happier and be more likely to be happy and have better health. There’s no rule that says people have to work five days a week - it’s just something that humans have made up.

Can't answer for the OP, but for my family me dropping a day would mean a fundamental lifestyle change - not far off equivalent to DH not working. We could reducing savings and expenditure to let me go to 0.8, but it would have a major financial impact.

If I decided I needed to drop a day, DH would support me - he'd support me if I decided I needed to quit entirely. That doesn't change the position that we'd either have to materially change our lifestyle (probably including moving to a different area and changing the kids schools (latter not relevant to OP)). It's not a decision I can make without an enormous amount of guilt because I'd be putting myself above my family.

OP has been supporting her husband for years but was expecting the financial burden to ease as he progressed in his career. She was worried that him moving to 0.8 meant that wouldn't happen for longer than she'd been expecting, and that if 0.8 became a permanent expectation his earnings potential would be significantly lower than they'd been working on. I honestly don't get why people think this is so terrible. And yes I would say exactly the same thing if OP were male. What if they could juggle finances so that OP can do 0.8 if her DH took on an extra job to be working full time? Obviously seems unfair he should have to do that to facilitate her reducing her hours, but so many people are suggesting that she would be completely unreasonable to say she wouldn't facilitate him working part time long term. Note I'm not talking about this promotion - of course he should take that.

Good thing is they've talked and it looks like they're on the same page.

TorroFerney · 02/08/2024 18:17

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:41

@Q124 why? Is it unreasonable to expect if one person is working part time they do more domestic tasks? I don’t think so.

I also don’t think it is reasonable for someone to always work part time, or not maximise their earning potential when the other person is working full time and there are no child care responsibilities

I’ve been the higher earner for ages as husband was a police inspector now retired and now has his pension and an admin job for days. He uses that day off to do all the housework, shopping etc . It’s great.

Bloom15 · 02/08/2024 18:17

YABU

You sound like you resent your partner having a better work/life balance

saraclara · 02/08/2024 18:23

Stop flexing your earning power - MN wouldn’t take that from a man so shouldn’t take it from you.

That.

This is a promotion. It will give him more experience and is a step up to his next job, which might (just might) have a salary that satisfies you.

But jeeze, your OP is grim reading.

Ottervision · 02/08/2024 18:26

Gonnajusttakeaminute · 02/08/2024 18:10

Can't answer for the OP, but for my family me dropping a day would mean a fundamental lifestyle change - not far off equivalent to DH not working. We could reducing savings and expenditure to let me go to 0.8, but it would have a major financial impact.

If I decided I needed to drop a day, DH would support me - he'd support me if I decided I needed to quit entirely. That doesn't change the position that we'd either have to materially change our lifestyle (probably including moving to a different area and changing the kids schools (latter not relevant to OP)). It's not a decision I can make without an enormous amount of guilt because I'd be putting myself above my family.

OP has been supporting her husband for years but was expecting the financial burden to ease as he progressed in his career. She was worried that him moving to 0.8 meant that wouldn't happen for longer than she'd been expecting, and that if 0.8 became a permanent expectation his earnings potential would be significantly lower than they'd been working on. I honestly don't get why people think this is so terrible. And yes I would say exactly the same thing if OP were male. What if they could juggle finances so that OP can do 0.8 if her DH took on an extra job to be working full time? Obviously seems unfair he should have to do that to facilitate her reducing her hours, but so many people are suggesting that she would be completely unreasonable to say she wouldn't facilitate him working part time long term. Note I'm not talking about this promotion - of course he should take that.

Good thing is they've talked and it looks like they're on the same page.

Show quote history

But why does he need to take an extra job? He's earning the same as he was. It's only a problem in that the op doesn't like it.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 02/08/2024 18:31

I see you have discussed it, but in general I agree with the motion that him working less hours than you should mean that he contributes more to the house. In the OP's position I too would want to know what he's doing on the extra day off. If they don't have kids I'm assuming he gets to relax at the weekend. I'd expect him to clean the house or do DIY or whatever on the extra day.

newmummycwharf1 · 02/08/2024 18:36

It sounds like there is a plan to build wealth - bigger house, improve lifestyle, increase savings etc and she had presumed (or they had discussed) working towards that. Therefore accepting a 4 day role with no extra cash and no plans to maximise earnings to attain said goals could build resentment. Glad you have spoken about it.

Building wealth isn't about whether you are in financial distress right now but rather having a vision and planning to attain said goals. They may have kids in future and she may want to take time off with no financial worries or they may want to send them to private school, buy them their first house, build generational wealth etc.

Key here is both parties have to be on the same page. My only worry is resentment seems to have been building based on the tone of your post (which sounded controlling) and it may be best to reevaluate the vision for the future, work-life balance etc so no one feels like they are carrying most of the weight and everyone is still on the same page

GameOfJones · 02/08/2024 18:39

I think your OP is mainly unreasonable apart from:

The ultimate goal should be working full time, while you have no children

He picks up more housework responsibilities on his day off.

My situation is the reverse, I'm the part time worker but do all the food shopping, cooking and the majority of the cleaning. That feels fair and reasonable.

Loloj · 02/08/2024 18:41

So he gets to earn the same money for working less hours and the convenience of wfh- that sounds great. If you feel you would be jealous of his day off why don’t you cut your hours? We don’t all need to be “maximising our earning potential” - there is more to life than earning money. If he has an extra day off maybe you can agree that he picks up a bit more of the housework or something. I would understand if this meant a pay cut and would leave you struggling but this is not the case at all. What is the alternative? Turn down the promotion so he keeps having to work 5 days?!

MumblesParty · 02/08/2024 18:49

Sirzy · 02/08/2024 14:41

The only reasonable bit is him doing some extra housework on the day off.

Agree. Everything else is completely unreasonable and rather nasty.

Dee9409 · 02/08/2024 18:54

You sound so jealous and petty, i hope he realises how unreasonable you are and runs far far far far far far far far far far away. You’re meant to care about each others wellbeing, if there’s no drop in earnings you have NO leg to stand on. PS: IF he knows about this! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! 🏎🏍🚉

IceCream889 · 02/08/2024 18:54

Hmmm as the higher earner (by a lot!) in my relationship, I have the odd twinge of resentment too. My DH works less hours, in a job that is a "vocation" so doesn't pay well. He gets to change jobs and goes for things he loves, while I don't have the same freedom. I work long hours and if it wasn't for my income, we wouldn't have this house or nice holidays. Now I'm pregnant and about to have a baby, it's brought this to the forefront a lot - I am still working long hours, having a horrible pregnancy, I can only take 4 months mat leave etc.

HOWEVER, the problem is DH wouldn't care about the house or nice holidays. He barely spends anything on himself. He'd happily give those up and let me have a similar easy job. It's me that wants the luxuries and the security...So, it's on me to earn that money.

So I guess our financial goals are not 100% aligned. But I love him, he's a wonderful husband, he's my rock, and he'll be a great father. (And his job involves helping others a lot and I really am proud of him and want him to be happy).

It's ok to be maybe conflicted but you can't and shouldn't try and control what someone else does with their life.

Rhubarbx1 · 02/08/2024 19:05

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:41

@Q124 why? Is it unreasonable to expect if one person is working part time they do more domestic tasks? I don’t think so.

I also don’t think it is reasonable for someone to always work part time, or not maximise their earning potential when the other person is working full time and there are no child care responsibilities

Why shouldn't someone always work part time? Maybe they value their time more than money. Maybe that extra day in the week helps them achieve a healthy work life balance, which makes them a happier, healthier, calmer person. As long as they can cover their bills that's all that matters.

You sound grabby and jealous. Your oh doesn't owe you extra house work because he got a promotion. You don't automatically stand to benefit from his promotion either. The only thing you should automatically be doing, is congratulating him and telling him how pleased you are for them.

Be happy for the man. And don't be so self-centred.

I hope your oh loves his new job and enjoys his day off guilt free. Which I very much doubt will be an option when living with you 👀

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/08/2024 19:07

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:38

@courtyardofhope no this is not a reverse
@rubyslippers i have always been the higher earner - I don’t mind earning more money, I just want him to be maximising his earning potential

Well this is a promotion, and you say yourself it's better for his career in the long run.

So...what's the problem? Other than that you also would like to drop a day at work and have your salary stay the same?

Pancakeorcrepe · 02/08/2024 19:09

I wouldn’t be anything but delighted for my partner in this situation. I’m sorry but you sound extremely unsupportive.

Nonononoway · 02/08/2024 19:13

YANBU you want him to maximise his earnings in the same way you do.
if he doesn’t want to then. He should pick up the slack of housework.