Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

I think it is worth having a really open and frank conversation with anyone that you are assuming will support about what support they feel able to and want to offer.

I have several friends who have decided to go it alone and they are the most wonderful parents to their respective offspring.

I’d much rather a good lone parent than two crappy parents

Yes, I think you are very selfish. You are putting your own desires over what is best for your potential child. Sometimes in life you just have to accept your circumstances and get in with things. Yes, you may have a lonely future, but tough. You shouldn't bring a child (who may also have a lonely future) into existence to try to solve your own issues.

This applies to 99% of all parents not just single parents!

It's always a selfish desire to have a child, one that is a deeply biological urge for a lot of people.

Why it is still okay to discriminate against single women??

Having a baby is not purely for couples 🤷‍♀️

Because it isn't about the woman, it's about the child. A good parent should put their child first, even if that means not having it at all.

So you think a single woman's right to have a child trumps that child's right to have a father?

Exactly. I cannot believe some people's thought process around having children. It's literally all about what a child can offer them and nothing to do with what they can offer the child.

Well it kinda is, that's why it takes two people to have one 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's always a selfish choice to have a child. It might be a selfish biological choice to ensure the continuation of our species, but it's selfish regardless of circumstances.

What selfless reason could there be for bringing another person into existence, to a world running out of resources, where there is war, the future is uncertain and even if you manage to give the person a happy childhood, they will absolutely have to suffer and eventually die?

The reason is we want companionship, we want to raise another human and watch them grow. You have to be very selfless to raise children, but it's a selfish choice to create them in the first place.

The OP isn't any more selfish than you are for having kids without a partner. She might be able to give them a happier childhood than you'll give yours. A father isn't a requirement and as many posters have mentioned, shit fathers make childhood worse than a single loving parent.

No.

50% of kids don't live with both biological parents by their 16th birthday anyway.

Everyone who has a child does it for selfish reasons.

Nobody thinks ‘I don’t really want a child but I could provide such an amazing childhood that I should do it out of kindness for a hypothetical person who doesn’t yet exist’.

I also find it difficult to believe that anyone would rather not exist at all than exist because they had a loving single parent.

But what is this? Having two parents? Having a particular income? Having a certain set of genes? Living in a particular part of the world? actually being a single mother can be great.

@Firefly1987 right so with that argument, it’s better the child just doesn’t exist? 🙄 ridiculous statement.

OP you could argue you are being selfless by using up that poor sperm and making sure it mixes with your great genes and goes to wonderful, loving home and brings something to the world.

I am a solo mother of 1 boy with another child on the way. So firstly, yes it is harder in some ways and something that I thought a lot about before I did it, but also easier in others. It is also the best decision I ever made by a long way and looking at my son I have no doubt he will be pleased he grew up in our family. If you are confident you have the capacity to love and protect your child/children, enough financial resources to make it viable for you and ideally a support network to make it easier (be that friends or family) then go for it. Yes, you should be sure you really want them - but personally I think all parents should have to be that sure before having kids (and to be clear, don't interpret that as you need to prepared to make every sacrifice afterwards to make up for "depriving them of a father" in a way another parent would not - what they need is caregiver who loves and supports them in a manner that they can trust, and being happy in yourself is part of that). If you want to understand the challenges and joys of the choice then I suggest you find some of the online forums and groups focused on being a solo mother.

For added context, I grew up with a single, not very available if still caring father because my mother died when I was 5 and my siblings were even younger - and yes losing our mother was sad but we didn't remember a lot of that loss and by far the worst part of childhood was actually when my father remarried someone who was toxic later on and made our home lives hell. Probably its a big part of why I didn't feel willing to settle with a partner I wasn't 100% convinced about in order to have kids as the idea of someone else having parental rights over them was a big deal to me.

Next, I am genuinely shocked by the number of people on this thread who say the most close-minded and ridiculously unkind things about how it is selfish to want to have children in a non traditional set-up. Of course you want the best environment for your children but no child grows up in a perfect scenario - your parents not having much money or education has a huge impact on a child's likely outcomes but should people who earn under a certain amount or without a college degree not have children? Should we judge people who can't provide their kids with grandparents or other extended family, or who are in happy, loving but non-heterosexual relationships because they won't have the perfect traditional set-up? Huge numbers of two parent relationships struggle unhappily after having kids which often hurts the children - but no one blames the parents for not making more effort to make sure their relationship was bullet-proof beforehand. There are plenty of people who have kids because they think its the normal thing to do once they partner up and then resent them because of the changes to their lifestyle. There are a thousand reasons a child may not have a "perfect" upbringing but overall I doubt most the people telling you it would be a selfish choice to have them put as much thought into whether they were set-up to be great parents as you are doing so ignore them - if you believe you can give your children a stable, safe environment to grow up where they feel someone truly loves them - that's all that matters.

but no one blames the parents for not making more effort to make sure their relationship was bullet-proof beforehand

They do, frequently. It’s said often on the Relationships board - ‘what were you thinking bringing a child into this’, ‘do not have children with this man’, ‘how can you be considering bringing a child into this chaos’, ‘do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life’.

In answer to the various people who think having a father who abandons the child is so much better for the child than not having a father - think this through. How is it better for the child to grow up knowing that half their DNA comes from a father who had parental rights and responsibilities but abandoned them, and sadly in some cases a mother who isn't happy to be looking after children by themselves either (though I of course know plenty of women who do a phenomenal job in these circumstances and give their kids wonderful childhoods), as opposed to growing up knowing half their DNA comes from someone who was generous enough to donate sperm to allow others to have children, and that their mother wanted them and the family situation they all live in enough to plan it and go against social conventions.

I don't have kids and although I would love one, am not having any because I don't have any extended family and don't want to bring them into a situation in which they have no family outside of my partner and I. It makes me very sad, I am depressed about it, but I genuinely think that not being born is in the interest of the child and that I would be selfish to put them into such a lonely and vulnerable position.

I had no extended family growing up, as my parents moved to a completely different country where we knew no one, and we had nothing to do with either side of the family due to distance. As an adult, they are strangers to me, and I to them. While that is objectively sad, it’s all I’ve known so it’s normal to me, and I’m glad my parents had me despite it.

I have no idea what would have happened to me in the case of both parents dying while still a minor, but it’s extremely rare to happen. The statistics are something like .0001% per year that this occurs.

That really isn't logical. You must have other reasons that you're not admitting to yourself. Lots of people have children without extended family around and manage perfectly well. You build up your own network once children arrive unless you live on an uninhabited island.

Does your partner not want children too? It sort of reads that way.

@Starfish89
I am single with a fairly small family and not close to those that I do have. I expect when my mum dies we won't see much of each other.
Plenty of people have children without having extended family.
What I have worked hard to ensure is that we have a solid support framework. My son is now 20 but there were 3 family friends who would have been happy to be guardians should anything have happened to me when he was a child. Now he is an adult he is creating that community for himself.
He may not have cousins but he does have a strong church community and dozens of friends

I don't understand the "you have to accept your lot" argument because, speaking crudely, if that was the case we wouldn't treat illnesses/get vaccines etc. It feels really archaic.

Yes it's better she doesn't have a child now and deprive them of a father, especially when in a few years time she could be in a stable relationship anyway and her child can have a dad and know both sides of their family.

''So you think a single woman's right to have a child trumps that child's right to have a father?''

Yes 🤷‍♀️

If you apply your logic then gay couples also shouldn't have kids....

Getting a vaccine is very different from making a decision that is likely to cause issues for someone later in life (more people than not have problems later in life when they don't know their father and/or don't have a strong father figure. I personally know two from sperm doners)