Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

Shockingly selfish. Children are not a necessity or a right.

Go for it, OP. The people who really want their kids tend to make good parents. A child DOES NOT need both parents to be happy and thrive. If you have family and friends who will love your child, they'll have a happy home. Just be honest as they grow that you used a sperm donor so it's never a shock.

I had a father who was shit. That messed me up. If I'd only had my mum I would have had a happy, carefree childhood.

Children of divorced parents still have 2 parents. Usually the father has some involvement. Plus the extended family on his side. The child of a sperm donor is deprived of all that.

Being the child of divorced parents isn't the best possible scenario but (a) it doesn't preclude a good relationship between father and child and (b) it's not a deliberate choice - no one gets married knowing they will get divorced.

I think you should go for it and you've had some very narrow minded replies. You've actively chosen to have a child, that I expect you would care greatly for, which is more than can be said for parents who have children and don't care for them.

I think if you are going to go for it then you should do it sooner rather than later. Good luck I've got everything crossed for you💓

This is like saying I might as well hit my child because he may fall and bump his head and the outcome (bruise on head) will be the same. It's a really terrible argument to say that choosing to do something detrimental to a child is fine because some children have bad things happen to them.
In addition it's clearly not the same as the man would not be a complete stranger.

Go for it. You're not selfish, you're human. It's entirely natural to want a child.

Yes, why not? There are three male gay couples at our school, all doing a great job at raising their kids.

Ignore a lot of patronising stuff on here about how children need two parents - people get divorced, people die - you could wait for a baby with a partner and then end up as a single parent anyway.

The most important thing is your support system because being a parent is hard hard work, and I say that as someone with an actively involved partner. Going solo will make it a lot harder so you need to have that support in place.

Wait til those kids are grown. THEN you can tell us what impact that had has

Hi,

I totally get the need of becoming mum. I had that and at that moment there was nothing else I could think of.
Few years on and I realise how difficult parenting can be. Nothing can prepare us for it.
It is not that you re being unreasonable, but it is draining, resourceful. It is the best thing that happened to me but I do struggle at times. There will be times where you would like to have time on your own which is so needed and there won't be anyone to step in.

No YANBU if you can afford it financially AND you have family nearby who are willing to support you with childcare . I’m a SMBC and am in regular contact with many others who have done the same - and nearly all the SMBC I know either live with relatives who help them daily or live very close by to relatives/friends who help them almost daily OR are in very well paid jobs and can afford a good nanny. It’s really tough otherwise. People on this board (who often have no experience of it) go on about the morality of it - but really it’s the practicalities you have to think of before you go ahead.

(Oh, and as to the morality of it - recent studies have shown children of SMBC do as least as well in all measurements- educationally, emotionally, professionally etc as children from “conventional ” families. And they actually do better than children who have sadly suffered from acrimonious relationship breakdowns in their family ie. difficult separations/divorces. It is not the 1950’s anymore and the children of SMBC won’t be the only ones in school without fathers in their lives at all - and if their mothers conceived them via clinics in the UK they can also find out their donors information when adults too (if wanted)).

Research shows that kids in this situation do better than average with regard to mental health and education outcomes.

It's because all the kids are wanted - no accidental / not really wanted conceptions.

Can you post links to the research?

Link to the studies, please?

TBH it seems that the OP's main issue is that she's on the rebound and feeling hurt. I'm not sure she's given much thought about the practicalities and reality of having a child permanently in her life and the responsibility that comes with it. Or what will happen if things go wrong.

@IamnotwhouthinkIam people don't have to have experience to give an opinion, the premise of the thread. OP asked for opinions.
But I did give my experience earlier in the thread of my cousin who died, leaving a traumatised 12year old. He was left with the unfortunate consequence of his mother's choice.

@BettyBardMacDonald Professor Susan Golombrok at Cambridge University probably has the most well known studies in the subject in the UK (she has written several books and articles) but I remember reading other English lang papers from the US and AUS or NZ too if my memory serves. If you are genuinely interested you can contact the UK Donor Conception Network Charity and they should be able to help as they did for me.

I researched a lot before I had my son but as it was years ago (and I’m now a SMBC to a very active toddler), I haven’t got the papers I printed off to hand anymore - my house is now chaos!🤣

Do be careful of the some of the US “research” though - some are funded by far-right Evangelical Christian family groups and aren’t at all independent like Cambridge or others 🙄

Because what you are proposing is purposefully bringing a child here that will have half of its parentage missing. Not a child that was deprived of a parent due to circumstance.

OP might want to peruse this thread:

To think I can’t be expected to cope with this anymore and that this isn’t ‘just life’? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5133263-to-think-i-cant-be-expected-to-cope-with-this-anymore-and-that-this-isnt-just-life

https://pursuit.unimelb.edu.au/articles/children-with-same-sex-parents-outperform-others-in-school

That's one. Obviously it's very complex, and will vary a lot depending a lot on local culture, and the exact outcomes you are looking at

@Lifeinlists I haven’t seen your post but I’m sorry for your loss (and his) . But surely every parent/s has to plan ahead for if they pass, whether they are SMBC or not? My son is too young to want to know all about his donor yet, but I’ve got the information printed out ready for if he does (I’m in contact with the donor and many of the parents of his donor siblings too which my family know all about if something happened to me so they could tell my son - although legally at 18 he could find out for himself via the HFEA anyway) and I’ve spoken to my family about my wishes as to which of them will care for my son, their agreement etc. I don’t see why SMBC should be singled out in this regard.

the Myth that children of single parents have less of a family is awful.

I agree with you. Every parent, even couples, need to have a back up plan. Could be family, or very close trusted friends. I know if anything hapenned to us my brother and his wife would care for our girls like their own, and we have 2 sets of close family friends whose values closely match with our own in terms of how they parent who would also care for our girls amazingly if needed.
We are named guardians to these 2 sets of friends children also.

This could be said to anyone!

Having a baby is a selfish decision for anyone, it's no more selfish for a single woman to have a child than for a married one.

Single women aren't 'less than' although this thread is a depressing reminder of what a lot of people think.

OP I'm a lone parent. My DD15 doesn't give a hoot there is no father in her life. Why? Because he hasn't been in it since she was 1.

It's tough in the early years but honestly given the amount of posts in here about useless men I'd say go for it.

I have way more concerns about surrogacy than I do about women doing this on their own.

Crack on I say.

I don't consider having a child via sperm donor to be immoral, but doing it with a family history of early death does cross the line.

What a stupid thing to do.

The mother's backup plan is atrocious. I hope the child is already at the relevant private school so as to facilitate any transition? I can't see how it could ever be in any child's best interests for an orphan to be dumped at a strange boarding school.

Jesus wept.

Edit

Just to add, if her sister ever let that happen to her sister's child due to her 'beliefs', she's a horrible person.