Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

This comment makes it sound like you want a child to fill a void. It's really selfish to purposely bring a child into the world without a father, but you know that or you wouldn't have started this thread. Get a pet instead or make some new friends. Also as a single mum, you'll be even more unlikely to attract a decent guy.

I don't why you're hinting it will be negative. They're very loving and involved parents. Plenty of people are messed up by their toxic mothers. Surely it's the quality of parenting that matters, not the sex of the parent.

I strongly believe children need their mother ideally and I think it's very sad when children are taken away right after birth and given to two strangers. To the baby, that is their mother and then they are just gone! I think it's so wrong.

Now, yes not all mothers are perfect, Some are abusive, some are toxic, some die (mine died when I was young). That is extremely unfortunate. Also, you do realise that can happen with father's right? So, two fathers could also be toxic, abusive, etc etc? That's not a valid argument

Unbelievably selfish to purposely bring a child into the world who would never know their father. That's not the characteristic of a great mother tbh. At 33 you should be looking at yourself and address what's failing in your own life working on that instead of bringing a child into this mess.

I friend from a group I attended on my maternity leave did this. She was late 30s when she had her DC solo and is now very happy with an almost 3 year old. She did however, find that as a solo parent she needed to scale back a fair bit a work, so that's something to consider.
If you have good family support, that's a plus, as then you can get help if you're dealing with last minute childcare issues due to nursery illnesses, etc.

I adopted as a single parent. Best thing I ever did. Nobody can understand the longing to be a mother if they have never had to consider that it might not happen for them. I would have had a child naturally if I could and adoption is not a second best option. In many ways it's very different to having a biological child but either way you need to consider the child's needs first (which I'm sure you have).
Ignore the "a child needs a father" type comments. Families come in all shapes and sizes and being in a loving, nurturing and supportive environment is what they need .
Having a solid support network is essential, for both you and your child. I should add that I'm considerably older than you and even though it really might not seem like it now you really do have time to stop and think. You could maybe even consider freezing eggs now and come back to this later.

I wish you the best of luck.

I should also say that I met my partner later in life and I'm no longer single. Not everyone takes the conventional route. X

The issue is not gay men raising a child
together, it’s the issue of surrogacy. If an altruistic surrogate can be found, that’s one thing, although doesn’t completely resolve all issues. To be clear, I’m not arguing for or against surrogacy, just outlining why it’s a different issue to lesbians.

In short…

Surrogacy can exploit vulnerable women, particularly in low-income countries, where women may feel pressured to become surrogates for financial reasons. There is also the view that surrogacy is the commercialisation of women's bodies.

Surrogacy can also have significant emotional and psychological effects on the surrogate, as well as health risks.

It is not selfish to have a child solo. That said, your posts don’t scream “I want to have a child” to me. Perhaps it’s just the way you’ve come across on here. Explore the option but be sure you actually want a child because you’ve mostly not really said why. I’m not saying this because you’re thinking about doing it alone, if you had a partner and didn’t sound like you actually really desired motherhood, I’d suggest the same. Spend some time thinking about what you want. You deserve to be happy.

I agree with all you say about surrogacy. I think it's OK in some cases (I read an interview with a wealthy British woman who loved being a surrogate). Two of the gay dad couples I knew adopted their children. I should have made this clear. The other couple - I'm not sure how they had the children, whether it was surrogacy or adoption.

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn

Just because the OP is evaluating her life as it's not quite how she envisaged it, it doesn't mean her life is a mess.

She sounds to me like a successful woman with a career and busy life and is looking at what she thinks might be missing and how to resolve that. She is looking at her options which is a sensible thing to do.

This conventional notion families has to have 2 parents (different sexes) is reductive. You don't dictate the morality barometer.

And which is worse? Purposefully choosing a man for the baby and wanting that baby or having an unwanted pregnancy that became wanted? no perfect answer for anything

For all those saying this is wrong, what is your view on people have their children when they’re over 35? Also wrong? Because the older the less they will be around (I know this from experience).

An unwanted pregnancy that becomes wanted is something that just happens, one of those things in life that you have to crack on with, like someone dying or a marriage break up. That's not purposely going out of your way to create a life with someone you don't know and who the child will not know.

It's nature though, you do literally have to have a male and a female to create life....it's not a conventional notion. It's how life has been created forever. Unless you are bringing science into it/using an unknown donor/renting a womb etc etc into it, and just IMO, there is a moral issue there.

But does it matter? Do you have any proof that it’s better for the child? It all seems so pedantic. A loved and wanted child that is well provided for is most likely to do the best physically and mentally.

Let me guess, my ivf baby is wrong too. Selfish to have her.

I don't know the details of your IVF. Is it your egg/did you carry the baby, did you use sperm from someone you are with etc. I am not going to ask you those questions as they are too personal but my answer would differ depending on those things.

I'm sorry but I know that if I was born that way and never knew who my father was, my heritage, any of that, I just know I would struggle and would never feel whole. It's just my opinion! I get where you are coming from re wanted loved etc, but I just don't think it's right for the child.

If you can love a child and truly want to be a mother you do not have to wait for Mr Wonderful dad. Look how many people choose to marry, have a child then get divorced. (Me included.)

My father died when I was little. My mother did a tremendous job without him and there we 8 of us.

Nothing wrong with being a single mom so long as there is love.

Your children know who their father is though, they know where they came from, as did you.

btw, 8???? props to your mother

My father was older when my parents had me. He died when I was still young which had a catastrophic effect on my life. My mother never had much to do with me, I never saw her as a mother, so essentially I was orphaned. People can sadly die at any age of course, but it becomes much more likely the older you get.

I do think it has to be taken into consideration when someone has a donor child - or any child - in their 40s. Even if you leave behind a lovely extended family, losing your only parent while you're still young is devastating. I think the first question someone considering doing this alone should be asking themselves is, who would take care of my child if I died. And actually properly establishing that beforehand, not just assuming a sibling or a friend will step in.

Yes my daughter knew who her dad was for a while. He was useless as a Dad and wasn't in her life for long.

Yes my poor mum had it hard. Back then lots of families were large. Religion and lack of contraception. My dad was in the navy. He'd go away, come back throw his weight and fists around, impregnant my mother then sail off again. So even when he was alive he wasn't around. (Thankfully)

We barely knew him, but what we did know was scary. But we all turned out all right.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. Your poor mum. Sounds like she did a great job despite it all though 💪wonder woman