Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

Have a couple of friends who have done this - working well for them so far

Yes.

Twice I've had a child with a man who then let us down. One was outright abusive and my kids are court ordered to see him. I did think I'd made a good decision with him but really with hindsight I realise I was so desperate to have a child he played me.

If I could have my time again I would have had a child when I wanted one and then if I found a man who was decent after I could have made an objective decision.

Just be aware once you have a child the pool of men will shrink. And you can't keep introducing new men it's really bad for the child so likelihood is you will be single for a good few years at the start of you are going to be a good mother

Absolutely go for it. You sound financially solvent, caring, healthy, emotionally intelligent - a much, much better start than a huge percentage of parents out there.

You get one life, live it. It will be hard but it would be hard with a partner too, or if you found yourself suddenly single or widowed despite best laid plans - you won't regret it overall and the hard bits fade.

I wish you the best of luck, go for it.

Most of these replies don't consider the child at all..... They aren't even mentioned.

Exactly. It's like they are contemplating getting a pet.

But the base concept of the argument remains the same. People saying "it's not what was intended" might also say that about chemotherapy or paracetamol or anything really. It's possible because of man, irrespective of whether you've got a headache, cancer or want a baby solo. I'm fine with solo parenting, as it happens, but accept others aren't. And to criticise on the basis of this argument is weak.

One is a very unfortunate circumstance. One is a very purposeful choice.

Think that through.

It really is 🙄

It might be unfortunate but it probably wasn't completely unpredictable. Very few happy and stable couples split up and the man then cuts off all contact with the children. There were probably red flags all along even before children came along but these people chose to procreate because that's what couples do (according to MN).
Why are those people who knowingly brought children into the world in an unstable environment better than someone who is single and has probably put much greater thought and preparation into the decision to have a child?
A woman who decides to go it alone will most likely have ensured they have a stable job, suitable home, sufficient finances and strong support network BEFORE even considering to get pregnant. I doubt the majority of heterosexual couples do this.

I would consider this if I had good family support and was your age. Do you have any male friends who feel summarily and might want to co-parent? Would you consider Co-parenting with a gay couple?

But that is for ANY person having a child.

No I don’t think so. I think the people saying a child needs both parents are very naive. A child can thrive with one good parent. It is hard work and will be difficult alone for the first few years but if you really want to be a parent and have some support I say go for it. I know 2 people who have done this and their kids are thriving. Lots of people will disagree with me but I don’t see anything wrong with a woman raising a very much wanted child alone.

Totally agree with this

After watching 'the man with 1000 children', I feel even more strongly about sperm donation than I did before.

Being lonely forever isn't a reason to bring a child into the world. That's not their job. They may not like you anyway, MN is filled with posts from people who are NC with their parents.

You do know that in the UK there are strict regulations in place to stop such a thing from happening?

a family member went to somewhere in Europe to have ivf with an anonymous sperm donor. so her little boy will never know who his father is. he has no strong male role models or even bonds with anyone beyond his mum (and his nursery staff).

The centre for bioethics and fertility talk about donor conception in some of their interviews/episodes.

Have you watched the documentary? There were strict regulations there too.

Apart from that, many women go abroad anyway, there are no regulations stopping them from doing so. The growing trend is to get Danish sperm.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/why-british-women-are-turning-to-danish-sperm-donors/

You can’t tar everyone with the same brush just because some people are irresponsible. Well, apparently you can 🙄

I think it was Danish sperm my family member used, with ivf in Copenhagen.

Having a child is usually inherently somewhat selfish so I don’t think that is something unique to your position. Having good family support and having a much wanted child is a lot more stable than many families.

This is true. But some situations are more selfish than others and have much worse outcomes for the child

But sperm donation doesn't have "much worse outcomes for the child". I'm not pretending that there aren't occasionally issues, but show me good applicable research that shows significantly worse life outcomes for donor conceived kids.

''Being lonely forever isn't a reason to bring a child into the world. That's not their job. They may not like you anyway, MN is filled with posts from people who are NC with their parents.''

This is true of all parents in all situations 🤷‍♀️

The stigma against single parents on this thread is shocking.

Lots of couples have kids in less than ideal situations, if a single woman wants a child and has the resources needed to care for that child then no one should be telling her she's selfish and she deserves to be lonely forever.

It's no more selfish than any other persons desire to have a child.

It isn't that she 'deserves' to be lonely. It's sad and unfortunate if her life works out like that, but sometimes life isn't great. It isn't fair. And understanding that is part of being an adult.

Also, loneliness can be addressed without brining a child into the world.