Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

Have they told lies or what you've told them?
If you've told them he stops you having access to money=financial abuse
If you've told them he's verbally abusive?
What therapy isn't he engaging with?

in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud
What's happened on these occasion?

You told them and are then upset that they had concerns, which they reported. Not only are you your own worst enemy, but sure still you are not blaming others in an attempt to not be held accountable.

They are not outright lies but the reality is more nuanced than how they have made it sound. I don't have income at the moment so he transfers money to my account. There have been occasions when he hasn't done this in a timely fashion (which was also a problem in our marriage not with finances but with doing anything when I asked him too). So I have borrowed like 30 quid off a friend until he paid it in.

a longer backstory though is that his extreme extreme frugality led to extreme stress on me in our marriage and my therapists things was a factor in my breakdown (long story nut can explain more0

He shouts and swears at me when Ive been angry and full of rage that he didn't take my cross for help seriously before the breakdown and heaped a lot of stress on.

my therapist has asked to talk with him and he refuses. He refuses any therapy for his issues which my doctor says are concerning mental health issues especially the hoarding ad stonewalling. He refuses couples counselling.

I agree I am my own worst enemy. I am so desperate and I know I've made things worse. I didn't understand the second sentence sorry.

Before this breakdown I was the most placid and gentle person. My husband and I had never ever had raised voices between us in 20 years of marriage. The breakdown took away so much form me, not just my joy of life but any connection with my past self. it took my career id worked so hard for, changed all my friendships and even took my faith in God because my religious delusions about being condemned to hell were so so severe.

there are times when I am so overcome I'm like a volcano of rage because this devastated the happiness we had and the dafe and successful happy life id managed to build despite severe child abuse and trauma from my father. Id be yelling and shouting at him for the things he did or didn't do to make my mental health suffer like the hoarding and me not having adequate space to work or keep my books and things despite asking repeatedly.

This is confusing. It sounds like you feel your husband is abusive (no comment on whether he is or not, no way to tell from thes posts) but also object to safeguarding? What is that you want?

Your family reported concerns the state acted on them because they have a duty of care. Yes it might feel like an overreach but it sounds like it was done from a place of kindness. You

You said your husband was verbally abusive to you to your sister, financially controlling, acting not as a family unit (eating separately) not supporting you in therapy. Surely adult social services are just checking you are safe in your home. It might feel like an overreaction but if social services didn’t act and something happened then they can lose their jobs. How did the meeting go what’s the outcome?

He shouts and swears at me when Ive been angry and full of rage that he didn't take my cross for help seriously before the breakdown and heaped a lot of stress on.my therapist has asked to talk with him and he refuses
So you're both shouting and swearing at each other, but you're surprised he doesn't want to see your therapist who says its all his fault?
What s the extreme frugality? When you were working did he withhold your income?

With the greatest respect it does sound as if you need the help and support. Yes it may not have been done with the best of intentions from your family but any malicious reporting would be shut down
here you both need a lot of help your husband is abusing you

Do you feel a trial separation from your H might eliminate some of the frustrations you are feeling due to his perceived behaviour? Whilst he in some instances might have been supportive, latterly re the hoarding, reluctance in relation to finances to share, and refusal to engage in any sort of counseling doesn’t sound helpful. Indeed these behaviours might be inflaming the whole situation.

You need to take some responsibility, however, regarding the ‘volcano of rage’ you expose him to. He could well be grieving the loss of his quiet, agreeable wife. Not that that gives permission to scream and subject you to extreme verbal abuse tho. Maybe you both need a little time apart without the irritation of each other?

It sounds like you and your husband would be better off apart. Your marriage sounds abusive and incredibly dysfunctional on all sides.

Do you feel there is abuse in your marriage?

@LucyLoo1972 noones done anything wrong here.

Your family took an understanding from what you’ve said to them which may not exactly match reality. In the same way as what you actually said may not fully match reality. This is the nature of human conversation.

They were sufficiently concerned by their understanding of what you communicated that they sought outside help for you.

You need to really reflect on your situation as it does take a lot for loved ones to make a report like this as they know that in doing so they could lose their relationship with you but they take this risk for the sake of your welfare.

I don’t think it’s just the husband at fault here! It sounds like she’s equally as emotionally abusive.

OP. You would be better off away from the lot of them. Your family and your husband.

You deserve to live a life free of abuse.

Is it possible to move away from all of them and start afresh?

honestly I'm not totally sure what I think. I don't trust my judgement entirely. I would say the behaviour and relationship is in a terrible place but I am not sure I would say he is abusing me. He looks after me in lots of ways, cleaning, getting shopping in etc.

You need to be kinder to yourself. If you’ve had a serious mental health crisis then it sounds like your husband has been cruel rather than kind as a response and social services are right to be involved. Take the help they can offer. Good luck with your recovery 💐

Sorry I never really say this. But you need to separate from your husband. You need to heal and recover alone.

Your family sound very concerned for your situation. It's not normal for a loving partner to withhold money.

If you separate you will have your own money.

(I was a non earner for many years while the kids grew up - my husband put a set amount in my account to on a set day every month. It was a DD so he never would forget.)

In all honesty, you don't feel like a reliable narrator. I think his perspective and actually probably your families, would be very different. Seems like you're being abused left right and center while also exploding with anger at people.

You've been slagging your husband off to your family, accusing him of abusing you, so they've done what you do when someone says they're being abused and reported it.

I have thought if going no contact now with my family. I love my husband dearly as he was the one person in my life that I felt safe and happy with. its hard to describe the marriage as it was before. there were elements even before that put a strain on me but I blame myself for that as I didn't shout loud enough about them or insist that I could cope with life the way that it was. Im not working at the moment which means I don't have income but I do have some money form my mums inheritance. I honestly don't understand what happened in the breakdown as it was like I saw for the first time how difficult and odd some of the behaviour he had was. I mean the approach to finance was utterly insane as I didn't have things I needed and we had a lot of money. that is now just getting wasted. He has an insane amount in his current account and is losing hundred of pounds interest a month for example whilst at the same time he has extreme frugality about tiny things like buying some clippers for my plants saying od you really need that?

Go no contact with the family who reasonably reported a concern when you described being abused by your husband?

The problem here is that none of us reading knows exactly what’s happened.

It sounds like your family have done this out of concern, your post comes across as very dramatic. If you’re husband is abusive you need to separate from him for your own good.

yes - I don't even feel myself like a reliable narrator tbh. its like I don't trust my judgement after getting os mentally unwell. before I had the breakdown I wasn't even Abel to speak up clearly to my husband about the things that were very difficult fro me and honestly many of them I just could not see at the time. its ike my brain was doing a weird thing by keeping me blind to it in some way which my theorist says may have been a form of dissociation learned in childhood to avoid dealing with difficult things. the anger is a very strange thing. I never get angry about something he does, like loading the dishes wrong or something like that, its always about the horror of the whole situation of me losing my mind and how his behaviours contributed to it. But honestly I'm really confused and I do not feel I have my own mind. I can't stress how calm and rational I was before the breakdown - almost unnaturally calm I see now. It freaks me out what my mind has done. I was descending into madness whilst writing a phd passed with no corrections.