Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

I think this is where people are getting confused with your ever changing stories.

You were in an elite profession. Yet you couldn’t afford a premium Spotify account. This just isn’t true or believable. You have both stated and confirmed that this was pre breakdown, when you were working. It didn’t happen.

I genuinely think you are remembering things that aren’t real, and mixing up fact and fiction due to feelings becoming reality.

As an aside, extreme frugality does not = abuse. It is often the result of trauma from poverty (both my FIL and F are the same). Genuine terror around not having enough money, having lived in true poverty, leading to hoarding - needing it in bank accounts (where he can see it) rather than invested - my dad has always done exactly this and as a result his money has never grown or worked for him and he could have been so much better off. But he CANNOT. He needs to see it, know it’s there, reassure himself.

My father causes bloody stress to us all and it absolutely feels like financial abuse in regards to my mum but he truly can’t help it. It’s OCD/anxiety type behaviour rooted in trauma.

OP what would your DH say if you said today “I want new carpets laid, I’ve had enough”.

What? Shouting and being angry and exploding is OK now as it's 'part of therapy'?
This private and I assume expensive therapy that I presume the frugal horrible un supportive husband is supporting being paid for?

Why do you not have any income? Even in your not working are you not entitled to and benefits?

This is not normal.

Both of you need help, separately.

All of this screams unrecognised neurodivergence to me. As an aside that would also explain the lack of progress in therapy. If you treat a neurodivergent person as a neurotypical person you (unsurprisingly) won’t get progress because the brains are essentially wired differently. It’s similar to the fact that typically CBT doesn’t work for autistic people.

I can't believe people are telling you to leave your husband!
Things were good before, they can be good again
Sorry if I've missed it - do you work at all?

And yes , your family overstepped the mark with SS involvement

Also if you feel you can talk about it, exactly how did the breakdown happen?

Of course they're telling her to leave - he's financially and emotionally abusive.

It doesn't matter how amazing things may or may not have been in the past 🙈

It only seems to have been good before because OP has completely gone along with everything dh wanted and suppressed her own wants and needs.

I don't think he is being financially abusive either in the post breakdown phase and I told the social services that. But I have to state very very clearly that I am the opposite of careless spending. I'm explained that in response to another post. we had an annual combined income of around 80K and we did have tow twenty year old broken radios - they are obsolete. when I am alone in the house I do not feel it is excessive to have a working radio. I sent barely anything. my husband will spend 35 pounds on a bottle of wine. but I can't have a radio?? I always wore the same clothes and we have never been in debt. we have savings of around £200, 000 so we can afford to have a decorator, but that is difficult because of the hoarding. when you are married money is always both peoples money but that didn't seem to register with me. Legally that is simply the case as both of us would find out if we split - everything is joint.i asked permission to spend anything and I didn't nee to do that if I need something especially for work and research was my full time job.

I can't listen to radio on tv when I'm upstairs working. in any case out tv was one of those fat old ones.

and yes I'm cautious of therapy too. I didn't have sexual abuse as a child but the other cause is real because it was documented at the time in court so there are records.with my husband issues that is maybe where more harm has been done perhaps.

and yes I was highly rational - my old was deemed worldcalss and I still get people contacting me about it now to work with them. I did overwork for my phd and that was the immediate trigger. but the breakdown was literally an attack upon myself and my own body and I think that has to come form somewhere?? all I know is I was happy in my marriage and life before and now I feel I have nothing but money sat in the bank I don't even feel I have myself anymore. but my mind was lost before the therapist came along.

OP, a couple of points. It's not clear from what you've said whether your husband is financially abusive or not and particularly you last lost makes it sound like it's possible that when you met him you were both on the same page with frugality and you have had a change of heart on this and now want to be less frugal. That said, if he has £100k in his current account (based on your saying he's losing £400 in interest a month), then obviously you should have enough access to cash that you're not having to ask him to transfer you £30. It's still not clear to me whether he's refusing to transfer you money, or he's just not doing it as quickly as you would like. He does clearly have his own mental health issues, but they in themselves don't make him abusive.

The second point (and you do not need to answer this if you don't want to): you mention extreme abuse from your family and you've also mentioned extreme violence from your father early in life. Was the abuse from your family physical or emotional? Asking not to deny the impact of emotional abuse, but because of the points being raised around whether there is a therapist issue here as well. Extreme physical abuse really leave no room for interpretation at all.

I do think it's right Adult Social Services are involved. I understand it feels intrusive, but you do appear to be vulnerable and there are a lot of people around you who don't appear to always have your best interests at heart. Please try and take it as support, not a criticism of you or your DH.

I am also concerned you might have a therapist who is buying into your narrative here. It's impossible for us to tell but it is definitely a risk. 8 years with the same therapist is a long time. I really think it might be worth trying someone else.

the only money I borrowed off a friend was 20 quid for fuel as I was in the middle of nowhere - so that was necessary. my sister also Hass £50,000 of my money from my mums estate which she hasn't given me so if anybody is withholding money its my sister.

@LucyLoo1972 is your DH someone who rigidly sticks to plans or ways of doing this (as these are simply to him the “right” way)? Is he highly sensitive to any form of criticism (either intended criticism or perceiving criticism where it isn’t intended at all)? Does he find it difficult to apologise for things when he is wrong and will instead blame others or get defensive and angry? Does he shut down emotionally when you want to discuss feelings? Does he tend to be focused on his own needs and preferences rather than yours? What is he like in social situations?

I can't compute the elite profession you were in to earn only 10k a year? If he's on 70k a year but when you were also in work we had an annual combined income of around 80K?

Why does your sister have your money?

The financial stuff isn’t making too much sense. You said he earns £79k but you had a combined income of £80k.

theres also what, £150k in the bank? Are you sure of this (e.g have you seen it). Because potentially those saving have been eaten into In The 8 years you’ve not been working.

Also OP - you don’t need a radio to listen to music - just use your phone. Stick something you like on right now!

You saying he shouts and swears when you have rage?? Which I presume is you also shouting and getting angry etc?? If some one was raging at me I’d be the same ?

I think this is really beyond mumsnet but I am so sorry OP. It’s clear that you really struggle to know where to turn and it’s not surprising when both your family and your husband are abusive.

I’m really proud of you for attending therapy and taking steps to heal, and I really hope that one day you are free of all your abusers.

This with bells and whistles on. I'm autistic and my one brush with therapy (pre diagnosis) was such a waste of time that I've never been able to try again. Has your therapist suggested you might be neurodiverse? If not, I'd see this as a therapist red flag. You might not be and no one here can diagnose you, but it's something that your therapist should have raised.

Op I think there is more going on than you are saying. Everyone in you life is ‘withholding money’? Independently of each they all decided to withhold money from you?

Your sister should only have control of the money if she is an executor. If she was the executor she can’t just withhold the money, indefinitely, for no reason.

What is the reason she is ‘withholding’ the money?

As adult social services got involved is there something like you have been deemed incapable? Sorry I don’t know what the correct term is but have you been deemed incapable of looking after your own finances etc. Officially?

Your therapy does not seem to have help you. You seem to be going round and round in circles. Try not thinking about yourself all the time. Try distractions which you might find more interesting.

This is an excellent post.

But if you wanted a radio why didn't you just stick one in the basket when you did a supermarket shop? Or just use your phone or other devices for free and play the radio through that.

If you had brought a radio what would actually have happened?

He doesn't sound abusive, you both sound passive with your own mental health issues. I know my friends that are married have a spending limit so they can buy what they like under £150 and anything more than that they have a discussion about beforehand.

He does have around that in his current account - yes. he doesn't withhold money and never has overtly done that. I have never been a person to spend a lot of money and have never been in debt ever since student days.i have always lived within my means. I guess I feel that my spending hasn't shifted much since student days.wheraas I think it is normal as you advice in life to enjoy some of the fruits of your labours. we are in our fifties. there is no point taking half a million to the grave when we down even have kids and we down have blinds that open properly. he transfers big amounts like 2000 pounds - 30 quid is what I borrowed from a friend when I ran out of fuel.

I agree entirely with you that he has mental health issues (in fact before my breakdown his were more obvious if you know what I mean?? like with the hoarding and he wears ragged clothes like literally rags sometimes and has quirks like bringing home from holidays the paper ice cream cups he has had ice cream in).

on the abuse I am happy to answer. I have 8 out of 10 on the ACE scale if you know of that. there was doemstic violence which was pretty extreme, exposure to porngoraohy at age 5/6, some physical violence to me, alcoholism, mother with mental health issues, attempted kidnap from school. But I know this is not as extreme as some - I cannot remember any sexual abuse to me although my sister alleges that my father abused her.

I do trust my therapist. and I am honestly utterly confused my self why I only began to see the pressure my husbands behaviours put me under. I would never ever describe things before with him as abuse. they were most certainly not. they made life stressful and there were very peculiar pressures with my research which took me back to childhood. there are many unanswered questions and I am NoT the victim here. I failed to exert proper agency in my life as an adult because of the way I was worked in childhood.

What 'needs' were not being met by your husband? You reference this a lot, are these needs that you have identified yourself? Suggested by your therapist?