Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

You poor thing OP. It might help you to join the threads about living with an ND partner as lots of women are in a similar position. Is it possible to insist on a joint account to stop the issue of having to ask for money and him delaying?
You're entitled to feel really, really angry at his lack of help at a crucial stage for you. This is not to say it's his 'fault' (as pp have said, it sounds like he has some pretty serious issues of his own) but you're allowed to feel the way you feel. I also disagree with everyone saying your therapist is sinister etc but I do agree with the suggestion that you try someone new who could help you achieve your goals in more concrete ways ie coaching you with role plays in how to be assertive in your marriage (rather than swinging between extreme passivity and rage). You're in your 50s with loads of life yet to live- there is a chance to be happy yet. I wish you so much luck

He has agreed in theory that we can do renovations to the house. so I got Hillarys blinds to come and give a quote and the annoying thing is it was way way cheaper than he thought. he said he would measure and sort blinds 20 years ago becausehe has false economy notions and it works out about 40 quid cheaper per window. and it wasn't just the look of the blinds that was the problem but that they didn't pome os it is constantly dark in the house.

all ym friends live in well maintained and lovely house and are always moving house, extending , redecorating and I have never bothered him with any of that to minimise his stress because he owls very very hard.

but hime actually clearing space for renovations to be done is another matter.

but he doesn't deny that it needs doing so that's a start.

I talked abut going ahead with the blinds order but he made an objection.

Has your husband paid for eight years of therapy? Do you think it has done any good?

and honestly I should have said 15 years ago id had enough. five years with blinds that don't open when you have spare cash is way too long.

I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered and for your current situation. Your posts resonate a lot with me - I had a very serious breakdown (mid-PhD for me) in amongst generally deteriorating mental health, while living with my ex with whom there were similar dynamics. Now that I'm out the other side (ish), the way thay the relationship and my past interacted to make a perfect storm are much clearer to me. I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this, and that whatever you decide from here it is OK (and actually right and crucial) to centre yourself and your needs.

My family were not abusive on the scale yours were but I also experienced ACEs and absolutely saw my ex as the only one to truly unconditionally love me. This meant I ended up accepting behaviours and a living situation which made me miserable and ill out of fear and guilt, and blaming myself for not being able to adapt. He absolutely did not and does not recognise this - to him the hoarding, living in chaos and extreme procrastination were not a problem and my childhood was making me see him as 'the bad one'. Ultimately, in my situation he eventually did something so bad I had to leave which in some ways made things easier as it was so clear-cut. But I wanted to say that as someone with similar experiences, I had to get out to think clearly. Living as I need to live has brought a stability I thought I just wasn't capable of - I saw myself as an unfixably mentally ill person rather than someone who had suffered a breakdown because of a cycle of interacting factors. Breaking that cycle was what made me wholly well.

Very happy to talk more if you think that would be helpful, and sending solidarity.

You both have issues. You have trauma from past abuse, that is a contributing factor to the breakdown. Your husband equally has issues, hoarding for one. You both have to take equal blame for shouting/swearing and the anger, you've shown to each other. The relationship sounds extremely toxic. You told your sister of your concerns towards your husband, so she and your Dad spoke to Social Services as they were concerned. Social Services have a duty of care to investigate, any claim. If they don't and something were to happen, they'd be blamed for not investigating! I understand to a degree why your husband won't engage with your therapist, because he's being blamed partly, for your breakdown. It's not any wonder he doesn't want to engage! However, that doesn't stop him from seeking help himself! If he refuses to seek any help, then you are both stuck in a vicious circle. At some point you are going to have to decide what is better for you, staying in a toxic, unstable marriage, or leaving it.

Have you had the same therapist for 8 years? I agree with PP who said it’s not appropriate for your therapist to be asking to speak to your husband. I hesitate to comment on medical care but it sounds like your therapist is also telling you how to make sense of events in your life rather than helping you to do that for yourself. This can be very confusing and lead to false narratives/further dysfunction. I have personally experienced this and then later had a very good therapist - seeing the good one felt like I was gradually seeing clearer (like a mist slowly lifting) and becoming more sure about my own feelings/thoughts/boundaries etc rather than simply latching on to a new ‘story’ with tunnel vision. Not sure if that makes sense. But if you don’t feel things are getting clearer after 8 years maybe you should consider changing therapists.

It will be impossible to tell what is ‘really’ going on in your marriage until you have some clarity about your own feelings/behaviour and what is driving them but from what you’ve written you both seem to be trying and both suffering.

Sorry you are going through this.

I'm not seeing 'kind, good or loveable' anywhere in this

And after 8 years is your therapist getting anywhere? Are they the right person?

I think this means that ultimately we can only change ourselves, not others. You may not have liked they way you were treated and, in fact, it may genuinely have damaged you. But you are accountable for where you go from here. You can’t give other people scripts and make them act then out. Together with support from your therapist, you need to decide what you will go to move forward and be accountable to yourself from here. You have strength: you just need to find it. Be your own best friend OP.

Couple of points as a counsellor myself. If I had a client for eight years, I'd have signposted them for further help by now. Are you seeing a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist?

One thing I hold very strongly (a very condensed version!) is we can't change other people. Has anyone told you this before? You're doing work on yourself and that's fantastic, but eight years of therapy, I'd have expected more movement. It might be worth looking at who you're seeing and making sure they're the best option. Change you therapist if needs be. There's a lot of emphasis on husband and what he does wrong and how he needs to do things different, but that's just not going to happen. He isn't wanting to go to therapy, you can't and won't change him.

You, however, have the ability to zoom out of this whole story for a moment. Zoom right out and look at the overall picture - you're getting bogged down in small details like carpets and muddling them with bigger details like cptsd. In an ideal world, you would go on a retreat, get yourself straight (however long that takes) and then see who fits where in your life and go forwards healthier. It's hard to sort yourself when you're surrounded by people who might need to change.

I think you are asking the wrong question here.

You are still trying to recover and now you are really caught up in arguing with yourself about whether your husband is abusive. Some of his behaviour does sound abusive including highly financially and generally controlling. Just because someone's behaviour is fuelled by their own needs doesn't mean it isn't abusive. You sound like you are sometimes flying into uncontrollable rages which could be abusive and the reasons for it are really complex.

What is clear is it's really miserable for both of you and doesn't sound safe. So you have the right people involved that you need to get support from. Can they help you make arrangements to live separately with you having somewhere with support? That might not be the answer but please work with them. You haven't got a bad word to say about the professionals involved generally and it's good you were honest. So I would keep working with them and get the help and support you need

I have not read all the posts but in a round about way it sounds like they were concerned about you .
You need a little place of your own. Somewhere calm and controlled by you .
Nc with family for your own mental health.
And maybe try to build on your relationship with your husband . But in separate houses
Living with a hoarder who obviously has their own problems can't be helping yours.
It also may be good for your husband .

Why don’t you have an income.

SSP? Pip?

He sounds financially abusive apart from anything else.

well we have paid for therapy from our joint money - we had. lot of savings. I honestly down know if it has done any good. and tbh it makes me absolutely livid that we have to spend a horrific amount of money every month theory when maybe being able to have gym membership, a desk top computer, a house that is a refugee and a weekend away in a hotel or a meal out may have kept me sane. I told him I needed to sped 600 on transcribing my final interviews for me to finish in time and I had won a very very rare full scholarship so he had never ad to support me fiancnilly through my study. but he didn't like the idea of spending the 600 to ease some stress of me. he said he would do it which is ridiculous given he vomesi n from work at 9n every night. so it was never done and I did it putting myself under immense pressure. I had no sense f self care whatsoever.

but in any case we've paid for this therapy which could have been spent on living life and enjoying life.id managed to build a life that people fro my background very very rarely ever get (I had more chance of going to prison by age 21 than university) and with all kinds of neurodivergence that I didn't even know I had before this breakdown. none of my fries knew about my childhood and I never ever ever let it define me. I never thought about it.

I am not eligible because we have around 200, 000 savings. I have worked sporadically over the past eight years. I even did an academic job for a year but it was tough because my research was the trigger for the breakdown.

As you say, most of your DH's less than fabulous behaviour has been as a reaction to your anger, your rage and your psychosis over a number of years. He may not have reacted perfectly in every situation but he's still there with you, isn't he? It sounds as if it's been pretty tough for him too. Many would have given up and left long before now, and few would blame them. The whole relationship has become completely dysfuncntional and regardless of what or who caused it, it's outlived its usefulness and only serves to make you both feel worse.

You say the doctors have put the cause of your breakdown pretty much exclusively onto childhood trauma, so why are you confiding in your original abuser about your husband, when he is not the number one enemy here? Why are you not either cutting her out, or challenging her about her abuse?

It sounds as though you still have lots of things to work through in therapy as you still seem very enmeshed with and emotionally dependent on far too many people you see as your abusers.

Social services aren’t necessarily the enemy. People so often think a referral is something they ought to be ashamed of or resist but actually there’s a lot that they can probably do that may help you.

It does sound like you need more help to be honest. Have you applied for UC or anything to give you some money so you’re a bit more independent? Or housing element so you can get out of the house whilst you heal then reassess whether your relationship still works once you’re better?

You have taken many pages to mention the neurodivergence.

It is horribly common for undiagnosed neurodivergence into adulthood to lead to mental health crises.

Assuming that one of the neurodivergence ‘kinds’ that you refer to is autism, have you heard of fight, flight, fawn? The ‘fawn’ sounds like what you were previously doing with your husband, which again is common with trauma background and needing/wanting to gain someone’s love/affection/attention/time/to feel worthy. It’s not his fault, nor is it yours. It’s also common that when things come to a head, you stop masking (and fawning) but this can to the outside world look like a complete personality transplant - when in reality you finally feel safe to be your authentic self rather than pretending to be who you thought someone else wanted or needed you to be.

The flip side of that is that essentially he did marry someone who doesn’t actually exist in terms of nature and personality. I personally think that this should have been the point where you both stepped away - maybe with future possibility of reconciliation, once you had ‘got to know each other’ truly. If you weren’t being your true self, he didn’t know you.

Your savings don’t matter for pip.

I'm sorry for your abusive childhood.

You need to separate things. It sounds like you had a horrible childhood, but that you and possibly your husband are both also possibly neurodivergent.

It sounds like you hyperfocused on your degree and you are now in burnout, which may take a couple of years to recover from. Are you on medication? What help are you getting with your mental health?

With neurodivergent brains you look for connections between everything for some kind of overarching explanation which is what you are doing. Ruminating on past is also very common as is over thinking.

Start by looking at what positive things you do have that help you to cope, then remove or find workarounds for things that don't help you cope.

If your partner isn't willing to have insight and work on themselves too then the relationship is over.

In terms of your family I'm not sure why you told them, given the abusive history they don't sound like the best support network. Sometimes friends are a better support than family.

wow that does sound quite a similar dynamic! I would really really love to talk more if you are willing to? the trouble is my husband is lovely and does many many kind things and he does not want to leave me. is there a way we can talk more offline?

oh wow ok - I will look into that thank you!

I think you went into this marriage as an escape from the abusive family situation and whilst your Dh isn’t overtly (to you) abusive., to anyone looking in, it’s a sea of red flags

The first years of your marriage you seem to have ignored and ignored the red flags because it was better than your childhood.

But it’s like death by a 1000 cuts and all those times he says, you don’t need this or that or with holding money for a day or 2 when you need it or the hoarding 1 item at a time is just pressure. And like all build up of pressure you exploded

He has you trained well if you are questioning whether you can have a radio

He would never intentionally hurt me

But he is hurting you every single minute of the day with the hoarding, the financial abuse, the coercion to accept his ways.

Then you are surprised that SS got involved

Why?

Did you answer their questions truthfully or reply with an explanation why he does this or that

Life is for living and going out and travelling and connecting with other people.

You don’t get any prizes for not dressing well or having £200,000 in the bank

The problem with being frugal is it becomes a habit you can’t break when you have the funds to live comfortably and ends up as just being mean

I came to say something v similar - your current therapist has kept you going for the past 8 years and I appreciate you like them and are grateful for their help, but I do think you need a fresh start with someone who will help you move forward in a structured way.

You have the money to move out - even if you just rent a flat for 6 months, I do believe you need some space to yourself both figuratively and literally - the mental stress of living with a hoarder is immense and just giving yourself the gift of autonomy in your living space will lift a massive burden from you.