Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

You need to some long term regular therapy to help you recognise what’s healthy behaviour and what isn’t, both in yourself and others

Im not completely sure it is from a place of kindness tbh. My father has a vested interest in believing [name redacted] behaviours were the main factor in my breakdown because he doesn't like that the doctors and the neuroscience seem to suggest that extreme violence in early chapter has had a major impact - I mean. even the fact that I never rowed or disagreed with my husband in our marriage prior to the breakdown would seem to be rooted in that.

@LucyLoo1972 report your last post you’ve included identifying info

thank you - I do and have been in private therapy pretty much for the last eight years. it was being in that that made me see that some of my husbands behaviours even back then were not healthy especially the hoarding and procrastination and extreme frugality with money - not spending when we needed to on important things.

It certainly sounds like a toxic relationship and clearly neither of you are happy. Your family a rightly worried about you want want to make sure you are safe. It will have taken a lot for them to do this.

and I've gone form one extreme to another - a complete inability to ask for my needs to be met or even see them clearly to anger. my breakdown is os severe my daily functioning has gone from very very high flyer and juggling huge amounts to some kind of terrible freeze state unable to do anything.

It doesn’t sound like a nice relationship if you’re clear your husband behaviours contributed to your breakdown and he is still abusing you then why are you continuing? You are angry and that doesn’t make a nice calm environment to live in. You say you love him but you have been describing him in a bad light to family and in therapy. Why not take space from both him and your family so you can live in a calmer environment.

Hi sorry can you tell me where and how I can take it down please?

And this is what a lot of people in abusive relationships say. They just don’t see it.

he financially abuses you to a point you had a breakdown.

he verbally/emotionally abuses you. It also sounds like you might emotionally/verbally abuse him?

how much are you minimis8ng stuff both in your posts here and also to yourself? Just because you love him and just because sometimes he is lovely to you and kind does not mean he’s not also abusive at other times.

i can see why your family are worried and I don’t think going NC with them/isolating yourself from potential support is a good idea. Though I get if they’ve been abusive in the past that complicates things. But currently they seem to be looking out for you.

have you got children?

You put your husbands name in one post. I’ve reported it for you. You can’t delete it yourself, a moderator will.

I do love him very very very much. but I agree we maybe need to live apart for a while. Im still overwhelmed in the house too. I just worry for myself living alone in this state. I got things very very worn in my head about how marriage works and that you can air differences and that's ok. we had a very calm relationships before with no bickering.

thank you!! well spotted. can't beleive I did that!

I mean this kindly, I really do. But there is no easy way of saying it.

Your mum, your dad and your sister all abused you. None are in prison, and you’re still in contact with all. Not just in contact but confiding in them.

Your husband sounds as though he’s cared for you some horrific times but in your eyes, he’s also abusive too.

Is there chance (I’m basing this on knowledge of real situations) that you may be neurodivergent and your experiences of growing up may have been what caused you trauma? It can be truly horrifically traumatic to grow up neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and these diagnoses are very frequently missed and misdiagnosed in women of your age.

The dramatic way you write and the you-centred tone of it just reminds me of things I have experienced personally. Things like not seeing the irony and publishing a post where you subtley allege abuse while also saying you explode like a volcano of rage yourself.

Equally - in the kindest possible way, I have seen first hand what having a therapist can do if any of the above is true. They take the world as it feels to you and they embrace and validate it and make it real. But is it all real? Because normal human emotions get in the way of things and therapy will sometimes/often take a very YOU centred approach to the degree that if you say it or you feel it, then it’s fact. But life isn’t like that. You can also be in the wrong, you can be acting irrationally, but some therapists don’t deal with that, they go into your world and remain there.

I have typed and deleted this so many times as I know I’m going to be jumped on, but sometimes just automatically believing someone doesn’t necessarily help them.

Your husband doesn’t sound abusive. Your marriage sounds awful on both sides. You need space to heal alone. As a side note, your husband sounds like he has some significant mental health struggles of his own that it doesn’t sound as though he’s getting support with.

It’s really difficult to see what’s going on here.

On the one hand it sounds like your husband is abusive and everyone, including therapists, agrees it’s his abuse.

On the other hand you have a person who is the sole wage earner, also doing a lot of the work at home, trying to look after himself and his wife and isn’t coping, being told what he does do isn’t good enough, getting blamed for shouting and swearing when he isn’t the one that’s starts it and it’s responsive to his wife’s explosive anger and mental health problems, getting blamed for their wife’s mental health problems despite her having a history of trauma, his wife running to her abusive family if he transfers money late and being told he is financially abusive, is being pushed to meet a therapist who has already decided it’s all his fault and now has adult social services brought in by his wife’s previous abusers because she runs to them. Which for many people would be the final straw.

We can’t tell if he purposely ignores your please for help or simply has no clue how to deal with them. Not everyone simply knows what to do when their partners are having a mental health crisis. People aren’t always amazing at dealing with a partners mental health problem, by magic, just because they are in a relationship. And if he is hoarding and other things, he likely has his own mental health issues going on.

Adult Social Services aren’t over stepping. Whatever is going on in the home you have been telling your family and therapist that he abuses you. Whether that’s real situation or not, that’s what you have been telling them. They reported it. adult Social Services needed to do something.

Wether its him abusing you or you abusing him, you can’t expect to keep telling people he is abusive and nothing ever come from it.

But it sounds like the marriage is not a good situation for either of you at this point.

If husband is verbally abusive, so is OP. She has herself said he shouts at her after she expresses rage that she is not proud of. So verbal abuse is miscommunication and coming from frustration and misery.
Op never said he was verbally abusive to sister, in Op's words he does not engage with her abusive family.

Finances are an issue. Perhaps there is a financial control. But what I understand ready Op's posts that husband is himself depressed or impacted and would benefit from therapy. Op should stop targeting him with rage, if Op's family, who Op has also called abusive, is so concerned, perhaps she can move in with them temporarily while she is receiving treatment, and meanwhile her husband can also seek therapy for his hoarding and stonewalling or whatever issues impacting him. Op is angry that her needs are not met, it could be he is also frustrated with his not being met. Op also said prior to this breakdown, he cared for her in sickness. One thing I don't understand is why Op is calling her family abusive and then complaining about her husband to them when she says her doctors say her childhood trauma due to abusive from father, mother and sister is the root cause of her mental breakdown.
Op you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband when you both are calm.

It sounds as if the shouting and getting angry is a much needed part of your therapy and something to go through. Maybe you didn’t go through this process as a teen so you’re going through it now. As for reports to social services, getting upset with your family is not going to change things. I would just engage with them. And even if you don’t have a good relationship with them, your family is correct, withholding money is financial abuse.

We don't have children no.

I was very low contact with my father in any case - I saw him just once a year.

there were many many terrible factors in my breakdown. if he was abusive or controlling before I don't believe it was intentional but agree it could still be harmful.

I don't know if I'm minimising things or not.

I know he loved me unconditionally in a way my family never did.

its complicated and I get confused.

You say your sister abused you? In what way?

The entire situation sounds like a dumpster fire - you need to get out and be on your own. You both sound abusive and the entire thing is a disaster waiting to happen.

Please get away from them all for your own sanity. You are worth more than this.

What does your therapist think?

Your therapist should not be requesting to speak to your husband. Of course he doesn’t want to do this!

any couples therapy or individual therapy for him should be separate.

also. 8 years in therapy is a hell of a lot for you to be still so unsure about everything. I’m aware things can be complex and take time but still.

I truly think you have to leave him to become mentally well. Your relationship dynamic is very toxic and he doesn't want to have therapy. You cant force him and you can't go on like this.

Divorce him and then keep having therapy. You have to be free

thank you. that's all very helpful. one thing that is not an option is for me to live with my family. they are off the scale abusive and the cause of my trauma which I never even knew impacted me so badly until this terrible breakdown.

we never ever had heart to heart conversations about really important things even before the breakdown because my husband would always just close those conversations down.

I realise now I should never have spoken to my sister because she doesn't have my best interests at heart.

my husband refuses any kind of therapy and has always admitted he can't bear that kind of thing or to reflect on himself. but sadly the issue he had impacted on me. He has never actually withheld money from me but I do believe he effected our spending by making me feel bad about it. so for example, we could never spend money on any services that would have made life easier like getting a decorator in or a cleaner. if I wanted to but a radio he would say we have tow old radios why don't you try to get those fixed. I didn't have access to music because he loves vinyl and said digital music is crap and a waste of money - this was something the doctors said would have had a detrimental effect whiclt I was in the house alone for a year. he would never take me out for birthday or buy me a gift. and he would procrastinate anything so life was very stressful. my biggest regret now isn to tackling those things because our marriage would have survived whereas now its harmful for us both.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/]]]]

maybe contact these guys and talk through things with an advisor.