Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

Good question - and I don't understand why I didn't.

nothing bad would have ver happened. the fear was in my head and not even conscious level which is the tragic thing. there wouldn't have been any shooting or yelling - hey may have been a do you really need that?

and yes people I know have that too and its really good. one of the problems is my husband would never discuss nay thing like that and say we don't need rules or things like as we trust each other.

and 100 percent passive with our mental health. we got away with it because we were both extremely high achieving unit l I broke.

Your poor husband. His is not a life that I would choose willingly.

From family experience - not all therapists are good for their clients. Recognise this and please find another therapist who will help you , not keep you in the past. Hoarding (and includes financial hoarding which is what your husband is doing) is an immensely complex condition which - without help - cannot just be 'turned off'. You both need help.

It’s very confusing. You said you had had a high flying career and hadn’t been spending anything, but you have no money? Husband is frugal and doesn’t want to pay for anything, so who pays for 8 years of therapy?

If you enjoy listening to music why not listen to it on Youtube, radio on your phone or play the vinyl records you have? You can play it on your computer as well while working. It won’t be the audiophile quality I agree, but if you need that, you said you had vinyls at home (I assume a turntable and a sound system as well?)

Your therapist sounds concerning, he/she should not be requesting to meet your husband, it’s a conflict of interest.

I agree with PPs saying that it’s impossible to tell facts from feelings in your posts.

yes I think you are right

im not sure its coming from a totally place of love. they are the kind of people that like to create trouble and my father especially does not like the presence of a man (one who is bigger than him) in my life. my father is an abusive bully not just to me but to many people.

I think you need to decide how much money you need per month, and get your husband to set up a direct debit. Then you won't have to ask for individual items all the time.
If you have savings of your own from when you were working, do you have access to these?
I think you mentioned that your husband does the shopping. Are you able to take over this task or something similar? Maybe it will help to have a focus on day to day activities? Just something small to start with.

If your sister has £50,000 of your money, please ask for it. If she says no, get a solicitor involved.

This is where I don't see therapy as especially helpful. Playing the blame game doesn't change anything. Your parents were abusive, does it make you feel better or worse seeing and talking to them. If it makes you feel better there's no point dwelling on the past, it's happened. If it makes you feel worse limit contact. Same with your marriage, would you feel happier amd more in control living alone. No one is perfect, yes it's annoying having to ask for money but so is having someone yell.at you. You might be better off apart.

yes it was defienelty a mistake to talk to my sister. I was feeling desperate and alone. my husband had been my safe place for thirty years.

and I do think emotions on both parts were suppressed for many years. for different reasons for both of us.

he just doesn't do things very quickly - its a coupe of times but its not withholding money.

no we are not struggling finically. I don't think stying here is predoeminalty for financial read but love. I've made a horrifcmess of both of our lives.

I never ever ever spoke about my husband to anybody before this breakdown.

So you did have access to music? So what on earth was the other post about?

You sound like you’ve become extremely passive. If he’s transferring you thousands of pounds, why have you not just purchased the radio you want?

frankly your therapist sounds almost sinister - perhaps it suits them to keep taking money from you and keeping you “trapped” in this cycle of helplessness.

It sounds to me like both you and your husband are going through severe mental health issues. Neither of you are coping.

Your posts show evidence of a disconnect with reality. For example, your husband earns £70k but is also losing £400 in interest per month due to having money in his current account - that would make him a millionaire not a moderate wage earner. And other things you've said indicate a disconnect wiht reality.

Neither of you are well and I think you need to address that first, and yes I think you do need outside help.

About what,? The reluctance to share finances/financial abuse isn't there, op has just said that, and that he'll transfer 2k a time to her.
Like pp I have concerns about the 'therapist' are they registered with the BPS?

You are recognising that you need to take agency in your life. It's not too late to do this. As others have said both you and your husband sound neurodivergent and you have suffered extreme trauma and mental ill health. So, given that you have agency in this, can you articulate what you want to happen going forward? It sounds like you feel you need to ask your husband's permission to buy anything. That shouldn't be the case. Would he accept paying a fixed sum each month into your bank account by direct debit? Can you get him to agree that he won't criticise your spending habits? Maybe in return you could promise not to criticise his inefficient use of a current account rather than earning interest. Can you get the money your sister owes you?

It sounds like you and your husband are both suffering. Can you start treating each other with kindness rather than anger?

Like others I'm not sure your therapist is helping you. Maybe you could do with someone who can help you set goals to move forward rather than keep analysing how your past is affecting you.

I really hope you find a way to have a happy life op.

I agree.
Why stay in a marriage with such toxicity ?

You only get one life.

I hope there are no children involved.

There’s so much here. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through.
please find a therapist to give you EMDR. This is what you need for the traumas you have suffered.
Please stop sharing your worries with your sister who you say is an abuser. Work with your therapist to create boundaries for you and your husband… eg you need to ask for X amount of cash available and he needs to provide it, you BOTH need to stop shouting at each other etc

also, you keep telling how how the marriage was before the episode. But, it’s going to be like that again. Because too much has happened. So you need to let that go. That was BEFORE and this is NOW. You need to live with what is going on now. Stay present and make your life better now. It doesn’t matter if you were married to the most amazing man & you were the most perfect human on the planet. That’s gone now. You are here, now.

@LucyLoo1972 The reason why you are so confused and I'm sure you had the breakdown, is because your life before was completely fake and your brain could not handle it anymore.
Your trauma had caused you to abandon all your own needs for the sake of getting along and one day you obviously could not handle the dissosiation anymore. You husband can be both things at the same time: caring and abusive. Those things can and do coexist.

Your relationships are not healthy. Your husband does not sound emotionally healthy either. Refusing joys in your life, refusing to spend on normal things and even refusing music.

The only way you can recover is to move out and start finding out your own needs, boundaries, joy and who is it that you are. You are not able to do that in the same house with him.

You might find out you like dancing, listening to rap music and singing out loud, dressing up and wearing big dangly earrings. I don't know?! But in any case, you are frozen bacause there's no joy in your life, and you are stuck in a situation that prevents you from being you. Your own person, whose needs, desires and likes are your own priority.

It's perfectly normal to want all those things: decorators, new carpets, better cars etc. Life is for LIVING.

on the abuse I am happy to answer. I have 8 out of 10 on the ACE scale

Thanks OP and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think that makes it pretty clear that this isn't a case of trauma because you are ND (that may still be a contributing factor) but trauma because of childhood abuse. Pretty much no room for debate on whether that was childhood abuse!

Whether or not your husband is abusive, whether you should leave him, whether or not you're neurodiverse, and whether or not your therapist is helping you at the moment are all really hard and intertwined points and Mumsnet really isn't the best place for you to be trying to work through these. Personally, I'd start by talking to your therapist about this because you clearly trust her. If she has any issues with you raising these types of issues with her, it's a strong sign that you probably should at least try another therapist. The other people to talk to are the exact Adult Social Care team who are now involved. You have social services wanting to help you - use them!

My anger is never about my husband not doing enough ever - I know he is utterly and completely overwhelmed. My anger is always about why he didn't help me when I asked for help and said I was struggling before my breakdown and some of his finical choices during the moths before my submission (if oeuvre does a phd then you will know how incredibly difficult it is to finish work you have been doing for sic years). I needed to pay for some interviews to be transcribed and needed some space clearing in the house os I had space to work and for my books amongst the hundreds and hundreds of books. it was overwhelming. but he didn't help with that and I lost the career I worked for.

im disgnosed with complex PTSD. the rage is when I'm overwhelmed with how on earth did I lose everything and become so delusional I tried to starve myself to death believing id done something wrong and scratching all over my body.

we had around 200,000 in savings which is excessive. that money belongs to both of us. So yes I should have spent it on things I needed. there was no withholding of money but I remember buying a new towel as ours are 25 years old and he told me you don't need a new towel because he likes the hard and scratchy ones.

I do vent out now because for all my life since childhood I never ever expressed my feelings. my husband liked to keep everything so so private I never even said to anybody like avfriemd that I was struggling with anything - like not having children for example that my husband wouldn't discuss with me.

I do need to work on getting my sense of worth from myself- a search for approval is hwy I had to do my work perfectly.

I cry every single day at the pain this has caused to my husband. he relied on me for pretty much everything especially emotional support. and we had such a bond in som many areas.

I think both scenarios are true that you put forward. I also think my husband has had mental health issues which took a toll on me over time. have you ever lied with a hoarder and been working from home stuck in a hoarded house? or not been able to have those that brings you joy when your passion and hobby is design and architecture? before I had this breakdown not one person noticed any mental health issues with me. I know none of my freedoms would have lived as I did but they would have spoken to their husband about things before it got to this. I'm sad I miss our wonderful love we had for thirty years. we were best friends.

So you need help because you aren't coping. So your family reported it to people who may be able to help you, and you are pissed off?

You are seeing social services as the enemy rather than a service that is there to help support people who may be struggling with day to day life.

Yes, mental health issues can throw everything out of kilter. It’s extremely difficult to live with someone having a MH crisis. It sounds as though both of them are emotionally abusing each other.

It sounds as though the problems started in childhood. The OP needs to continue to get help.

OP, just read more of your comments about therapy. I am a experienced psychologist. You need a psychologist not counselling. They are totally different things. Please seek one out. Good therapy should Have you feeling “quite a bit better” after a few months/ 6 months. It should be active. You should be given homework. Try skills and techniques out. You need someone else. They are not doing their job (or their job is not a psychologist/ CBT therapist) it’s something else.

@LucyLoo1972 but Lucy, your mental health crises did not destroy your happy marriage. It destroyed your illusion of a happy marriage. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all, either before or after.

If you were so good with money and had such a good job but didn’t spend anything, where has all your money gone? If you’re not able to work at the moment, are you claiming any benefits you may be entitled to?

I'm trying to be truthful as best I can. I am trying to make clarifications but I'm not sure where my story is changing?

And this is exactly the thing - of course I could afford a Spotify account, of course. we had hundred thousand savings. but the thing is because my husband likes vinyl records and commented its a waste of money and its crap - I went along with that. it seems like his goal in life was to get through life spending as little as possible. and there are ways that impacts on a partner over time. like never being able to go out to celebrate publishing a book makes you feel not honoured and cherished over time or staying in the crappiest motel and never going to a nice hotel for example.

and I completely agree that frugality does not equal abuse. oddly enough though I was the one who grew up in poverty. that meant I never asked for things because I didn't want to embarrass my mum but I didn't need to ask my husband as it was my money to spend too - when you are married the money belongs to both of you.