Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

I agree with others that have advised you to leave your relationship.

Actually I think it’s time to change your therapist as a lot of this doesn’t sound quite right.

You’ve mentioned not transferring money “in time” what does this mean? Also you’ve said withholding money, but only mentioned a plant clipper… I’d say if he’s been financially supporting you for eight years, that’s a pretty normal thing to say “do you need it”.

lots of people give the same advice. I don't know why I'm reluctant. we have money to buy a second property so I've tried to suggest that as he doesn't want to get divorced and neither do I really.i feel it is my fault for not exerting agency in my own life - and my theorist says the inability to do that comes from childhood fear. but I had nothing to fear with my husband. so its very sad, our friends say we had the best marriage they knew. if I was the person I was before (I was very very confident and fairly assertive professionally I would have no problem living on my own at all.but now I'm a husk and I don't have the work that I loved and gave me joy and purpose.

well honestly I get confused too and I admit my judgement is not what it was I don't think. he has supported me for eight years. and in our marriage at various times we have supported each other. I think I said he doesn't and didn't withhold money - in fact he's so disengaged with finances that he doesn't even know where some money is. He would never intentionally hurt me. the plant clippers is simply an example. we have insane insane amounts of savings and we knew we had big inheritances coming so there wasn't a need for example for me as a researcher not to have a desktop computer fro my work. or a house that is decorated to a reasonable standard. there was never nay financial planning and coming form poverty I found that stressful. life is to be lived. we are in our fifties now.

OP your stories changing. And the music thing is a bit odd - presumably you’re posting from a phone / computer / digital device - why on earth would you not just make a free Spotify account or YouTube it? I hate to say it, because I would normally loathe to come to this conclusion, but it’s starting to read like you play the perpetual victim. I’m sure I’ll get a pile on for saying that but I’m just not sure I believe your narrative the more you post.

not transferring money in time is when I've asked him to put money in to my account because I'm out of money but he doesn't do it so I don't have access to cash.

Having read all your posts and not having your husband’s view of the situation, I think you are both dealing with mental health problems. You mention that he hoards things and isn’t communicative.
I also think maybe you and your husband need time away from each other to assess whether you want to remain married? Your relationship has changed from calm to volatile, because all the emotions that were unfortunately suppressed in previous years have now surfaced.
Your husband is also the sole breadwinner which can add stress to a relationship, although it sounds like he isn’t struggling financially? How many times has he delayed sending money to you? Was it a one off? Are you trying to stay with him for financial reasons? No judgement here, many women do.
Your family were abusive to you and you have little contact with them but still tell them about the intricacies of your marriage. Why? Do you have other friends you could confide in instead? Or just discuss this with your therapist instead? Sounds like you don’t trust your family’s judgement or motives.

Op are you good with money yourself?

My friend would probably describe her husband as being like yours, but she's absolutely awful with money, has no concept of what they can afford on their income & will blow big chunks on stuff. If he wasn't reining it in they'd be destitute.

I did wonder that myself. Seems like she’s banking on inheritance too which makes me wonder if her husband is just future planning.

There is no way out of this except leaving. You can't make him change and the dynamic makes you unwell. Save yourself.

Focus your therapy on getting strong enough to leave him and stand on your own 2 feet. You can still have a wonderful life. Hold on to that. Just imagine a life in which you can buy what you need and you can go out to work and feel free. Just imagine it....

I'm honestly trying to tell it as truthfully as possible. I agree it is confusing and I certainly agree I should have taken more resoonsibitly and exerted more agency. I haven't been able to listen to music in the last eight years since the breakdown but at the time I had the free Spotify with the averts but wanted the paid one. I do blame myself essentially for screwing everything up. I was so in love with my husband that I wanted to do things the way he wanted but that wasn't necessary and I see that now. I accept also that I have been very very seriously unwell. my husband is a kind and good person who has found himself in the terrible circumstance that the wife he loved is not recognisable.

When you say he was late transferring money? How late? Weeks? Days?

He has supported you for 8 years. You wanted Spotify (the paid for one) before this, surely you just paid out of your own money if you were working?

Yes. Im extremely good with money. I went along with his thinking. I have never been in debt since student days. neither of us have. I bought very very little for myself. I am being completely honest here. my husband does absolutely NO planning with money and he is losing 400 pounds a month in interest alone because of the money he has in his bank accounts. I was in an elite profession and I spent barely anything. my friends would even comment that I always wore the same clothes.

the trouble is now I'm not sure if I'm able to work really. I don't know. I'm devastated as I had worked for six long years on my research and loved it.

I don't understand. Op says she has explosive rage of volcano and get angry with husband for not doing enough - when he has been the sole earner, also doing shopping and household work. If you are doing all that and are shouted by a partner who is not able to contribute to the marriage for whatever reason, if you shout back - would you consider yourself abusive.

Regarding finances, op says she had a high flying career, does she have no saving because her husband has been transferring money but late ( could be on purpose) but where is her money. At the same time op says she realises that his frugality has caused mental stress and contributed to her breakdown, but upto breakdown she had a high flying career? Also, in two different posts she says her father's violence in her childhood along with abuse with abuse from mother and sister is the root cause of breakdown. I am so confused by OP. Seems like op need to work on fulfilling her needs herself. Rather than making necessary changes, she likes to vent out to anyone willing to listen and then does nothing.

Abusive family, indifferent husband, she complains about one potential abuser to the other. She also had rages for not her needs being met when he is himself suffering. Does Op think he had no needs for 8 years? For a marriage to be a healthy one both sides' needs should be considered. If op thought her family's abuse was behind her mental breakdown, why she got upset with her dh to not wanting to engage with them. Would you have same response if op was a man? Seems like Op's situation is far more complex than one party abusing the other. There are two likely scenarios - as she was abused by her parents, she has been OK with low level abuse from husband and only have started to realise now.
Or she has mental health issues due to childhood trauma, and her husband is also impacted by her long term sickness and is not coping well.

I don't think from what you've said that he's been financially abusive at all. It sounds like you have careless spending. He has been supporting you for years. And you're wanting to buy unnecessary things, another radio when you already have two and TV have radio, phones have radio, YouTube, Spotify. A decorator is a luxury many can't afford. And when he doesn't give you money the second you ask for it you go and borrow the money off other people. Borrowing money off friends, especially for unnecessary things, is a huge red flag in my opinion.

I really don't think your therapist is helping you, many really do more harm than good. I remember a few years ago on here someone's therapist had pretty much convinced them they'd been sexually assaulted by their family and had no recollection of it. Totally destroyed a person and her families life. I think it was her husband asking for help, she'd become entirely dependant on this therapist, seeing them multiple times a week to unlock this "childhood trauma". You saying you hadn't realised the abuse until this "breakdown" and hadn't realised your husbands abuse until after then aswell is very concerning.

I think it's possible you overworked yourself abit for the PhD then when it finished you were a bit untethered. And ended up with a harmful therapist that rather than get you back moving has broken down every element of your life and your own psyche into abuse, 8 years of therapy and you sound like you don't even know your own thoughts, that's really not a sign of a good therapist. You were once coherent and intelligent enough to get a PhD.

Going against the grain here, I don't think leaving your husband is automatically the correct solution. It sounds like you don't really want to anyway, and it would be playing right into the hands of your abusive family.

However, for this marriage to succeed, he has to engage with you in therapy and understand that the wife/marriage he's had for the past however many years is gone, and things need to change.

OP I have huge sympathy for you. No wonder you are struggling psychologically- you were abused as a child and now you are in a relationship that is mirroring those patterns of abuse.
You really need to leave your DH if he is financially abusing you (which he is). This is a patten of control that will make your mental health much worse.
Speak toWomen's Aid. You need to make a plan to find a life that allows you to concentrate on your own recovery and find joy.

I really don’t think anyone can say but after all you’ve said it sounds to me perfectly reasonable that your family reported him- after your last breakdown I suspect they probably took the view that it was better to be safe than sorry. Plus obviously a report to social services doesn’t mean they will necessarily do anything it’s just a trigger for them to investigate.

I think overall you need to find a way to move forward independently- you and your DH could maybe stay together but live separately. If you’re having therapy- is it working do you think or does it need changing? Something needs to change as the current environment sounds abusive for both of you TBH.

we have a lot of excess cash but didn't have things to enjoy life like meals out, I didn't have a bike, or money spent on leisure like a gym, we only went out for meals when we were on holiday, I didn't have a desk top computer despite being a researcher, I didn't wear fancy make up, or jewellery. didn't have things like a bbq or garden furniture, some of our furniture is from ym student flat 30 years ago. I was too good with money and I was the one transferring everything to the highest paying accounts and trying to make sure everything was in order. my husband will not spend more than 600 quid on a car despite earring 70K. so I'm no spendthrift and one of my biggest regrets is not spending money on things to make my life less stressful and maybe avoid this devastation of my mind. we were codependent and that meant I did what he wanted. we have carpet so threadbare people are always slipping on the stairs. not been changed for thirty years.

I think that when you met your husband you found/looked for a kindred soul as it were. You were abused and have MH issues, he certainly sounds like he has MH issues and whether or not he was abused I don't think you've mentioned.

You seem to hold him up as responsible for all the things that have happened and whilst it is possible he is abusing you, to me it sounds like someone with their own MH challenges trying to look after someone in breakdown.

The money situation could have been easily solved by a joint account or a standing order. If he refused to set this up then that would be financial abuse, not that he was just a bit forgetful which sounds like a wider problem with procrastination and hording.

I think the best thing for you now is to live apart even if you remain together, this can work very well giving both people the space they require whilst continuing the connection.

only days not weeks

yes I could have paid for it myself. I shouldn't have valued his opinion the way I did. that is where I was codeepndent to an extreme. I didn't need to ask permission for every little thing.

I don't trust that your family reporting you were doing it from a place of kindness. If they were, they would have let you know.

I'm also not sure about your husband.

Posting on here will get you so many responses, so which may upset you further because unless people have grown up in an abusive family, they don't get it.

Can you seek help in real life? This whole situation sounds very hard and I don't know that you will get everything you need on here (and possibly some more harm/abuse unfortunately, because that's what the internet is like.)

This is exactly what I thought reading the thread.

It doesn't sound like he stopped you spending your own money.

What prevented you saving some and spending some on clothes, luxuries and furniture? Why didn't you buy your own computer if you needed it? You are a adult able to make adult decisions.

If he smashed it up when you brought it that would be abusive but it just sounds like you were really passive. It's not unusual for those with hoarding tendencies not to want to spend money.