I think you need to come to terms with the idea that you and your husband are and always have been, two quietly dysfunctional individuals with a range of serious MH problems you have both been hiding from, who found happiness and comfort with each other until it all went wrong for you, and you are now trying to blame him and his dysfunction for yours, because you don't really want agency even now, though you can see you need to take it.
You created a fairy tale because it allowed you to overlook everything that might not have been perfect. It's easy to do, we are brought up to seek fairy tale endings and those of us with terrible beginnings and lives are particularly desperate for them.
Lots of people will be happy to say because his MH condition is hoarding, that this is somehow a particular MH condition that is just so appalling in their eyes, that everything can be blamed on it, and everyone else is therefore entitled to 'victim who did no wrong' status.
Others will be happy to say his dysfunction whatever it is, is the problem, and you are just the eternal victim of men.
There very much are men who are coercive and seek to control, and there are men who control by actions not actually intended to control others, and unsurprisingly there are also so many women doing exactly the same things, so I am wary of the 'her dysfunction = poor once perfect now damaged woman victim' vs 'his dysfunction = nasty calculating controlling knows exactly what he's doing, man predator.'
It's a comfortable get out, but wont serve you in a better future life.
I believe you would easily have had a breakdown in other circumstances too, because I hear all the signs that say say eventually the fragility of your created to please persona/ personality would have become overloaded.
I may be biased here, as your story resonates painfully for me as the equally dysfunctional partner on the receiving end of the 'perfect' high achieving partner who's entire persona was actually entirely a construction to deal with ASD and what happened when they broke, but couldn't let go of their 'perfect' self image bit of that persona, because owning imperfection and knowing who they really were, was entirely unpracticed and frightening for them and not what their wider family wanted either.
I thought he was utterly amazing wanting visibly disabled me and so accepting of me LP'ing my large brood of children and step children, and no dodgy vibes around them, running my own business in a male industry, and keeping it all together despite a truly horrendous past, and journey.
He appeared to be just the most amazing wonderful unusual hard working bloke who understood that I came with much baggage, and incredibly wanted to be part of the chaos, but was respectful of my barriers over my children.
However I wanted it, was good by him, he was the one coming into the set up.
Everybody told me how lucky I was, and how amazing it was that someone in my position had ended up with him. I made sure he knew what he was getting, expecting him to bolt, but he didn't, despite me being in the thick of all sorts.
Everybody who knew him, confirmed that what you could see was what you got. He just really was just a lovely, lovely easy going man, used to the realities of both disability, and the concept of stepping up to the plate for children automatically, who was available because he'd found women a bit difficult to navigate when younger, and was now steeped in work, with retired parents.
He, I, and everyone, believed it, and those who might know more stayed silent and hoped I'd make more effort to look like some sort of catch visually. He loved that I was as was, and I loved that he saw past so much. Our own quiet fairy tale match for over a decade despite the odds, so I passed over the occasional weirdly out of character incidents. Few and far between, and who was I to expect perfection?
What happened to that man? He broke, burnt out trying to be this created personality of perfection that would be approved off by all 24/7, and never acknowledging who else he really might be.
You quiet rightly acknowledge that actually the main issues in your relationship where caused by your husbands already known personality and habits, and your failure to behave like a grownup and have agency, and that this is likely to be down to what your family did to you as a child. But... you still want him to be responsible for all that didn't work for you. Think about that, because I'm not being nasty, it's a big part of why you are stuck.
I think you need to look very hard at the difference between facts and feelings.
You are taking so many of your feelings and seeking to lay them at the feet of the person you feel should be your care-taker, rather than where they appear to originate from, and saying you feel he should have been a different person than the one you have always known him to be, because that's what you needed, therefore that's what he should have provided, because you gave him what you believed was what he wanted. There is so much fitting of 'evidence' to tell your story as you seek to re frame your life. Some will have relevance, but a lot is trying to make a simpler narrative that allows the fairy tale to be the 'real' you and him, still.
I would suggest you are and always have been ND, and have tried to be the person you thought others wanted you to be, until you burnt out as a result and that ultimately is the narrative, regardless of what went on that caused you to behave in specific ways.
Now you are coming to terms with who you really are, and who he really is, which is exactly the same person he's always been, but that means accepting your fairy tale was all about feelings not facts, just as your re-framing of the whole deal now is. If it sounds harsh I apologize, but I've lived through it long term, and seen it happen with another couple which ended tragically.
I can talk to you about the hoarding aspect if you want (later - as it's a subject I have a lot of knowledge about) but I'm afraid that even if your DH was able to accept intervention with hoarding as the symptom of his MH difficulties, and transform the living situation, you both would still have much bigger issues going on that need properly resolving.
You absolutely need better help moving forward than you've been receiving professionally.