MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

Whether or not you and your DD go on holiday has nothing to do with your MIL. She's not even conscious, and even if she were, she wouldn't have the right to an opinion.

Take your DD to see her in hospital today if you feel that is the right thing to do. Or not. I think your DD is old enough to say whether she wants to or not, and you're her parents so you're best placed to judge whether she can cope with that emotionally. And then go on your holiday.

Whether your MIL was emotionally abusive or not, it's important to let your DH decide what he wants to do here.

Is there any chance he could fly out to join you later if the situation changes at all?

I'd be tempted to complain about Jet2 on social media, they've been horribly inflexible.

Will do - thank you!!

I would be very surprised, OP. After an event like this (and being told she's palliative) I imagine it will be days.

I would take DD and go, but I'd understand why DH has to stay. I'm not going to get into your feelings towards your MIL, but as PP said, you staying won't change anything. DH has his brother for support and you'll be back in two weeks. If the worst happens more quickly than expected he may be able to fly out and join you. Particularly if MIL has been bedbound for years, this isn't exactly unexpected and may partly be a relief. But my family may also be a callous lot, as we're very pragmatic about this sort of thing.

OP has also just added another comment, with more information that she somehow managed to 'forget' in the initial post. 🫣🫣🫣

I think you'll be fine.

As a grandparent I'd really want you to go if that were me

Please go. Don’t worry about not having your husband there.
For what it is worth, most insurance companies would not have covered your family in the event of MIL having a stroke, given that she had already had one.

Go. Definitely go. Your DH should go to - I’m sure his mum would rather he was on a much needed holiday with his family than sitting by her bedside. She won’t know he’s not there.

Yes. You should go.

It would be one thing if you and your partner were devoted to her and wanted to be with her for your own reasons.

I have been through something similar recently. My difficult and abusive mum was failing for a long time, would be close to death, then recover, then fail, then recover... Went on for several months. My brother and I encouraged each other to take our holidays while the other held the fort. As it turned out, she did die half way through my holiday. I have no regrets.

@NoSourDough Your mil has been ill for a while. She doesn’t sound as if she will survive to be honest. But when the worst happens, you won’t have any input. Your DH will be expecting this. In the next 10-12 days, there’s nothing you can do and he has family. Your dc could not do anything either. Your DC should be taken on holiday or you might never get one .

It’s easy enough to travel. Just arrive early at the airport, bag drop is usually 3 hours before flight so aim for that. Then go through security (read up on what’s required and pack accordingly) then head to a cafe! Don’t forget your passports. Just follow the herd at the other end. Are you being collected?

You will be fine. Let dc relax. This might be the only chance you get.

I'd follow DH's lead. This is his time to say goodbye, there isn't anything you can do for MiL, and at this point he may like the space and time to be with her and with his brother and to know that even while this goes on, that you and his daughter are ok and doing things together with her not being distressed by it. If he isn't in need of you there for support then I'd take your daughter, and go and do your best to have a good time. I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

If it were the opposite scenario, so if your DM was this ill, would you mind if DH took your child on holiday and left you alone to potentially watch your DM die?

People are different, yes I would genuinely want DH to rather go on holiday than sit with me in those circumstances.

I’m sorry I didn’t mention it in the OP - I didn’t want to get flamed on here 😬

Its such a difficult situation when something like this happens…

If you do have any issues jet2 will have staff available to support.

I would go. As our parents got older and us 'children' retired and were often on long and long haul holidays we talked about this as a family and agreed that in general we would go on booked holidays and not come back. Those still in the UK would just deal with everything. Not being there didn't mean we loved our parents any less. But I know people who have cancelled multiple holidays or been scared to book trips for years just in case.

Personally I would talk to DH and try and reason for him to come. Completely understand he wants to be there for family etc but his Mum in all reality is not there. Life goes on for the rest of us when these things happen and we cant always put life on hold.

However I also get that he might be difficult to talk round and would suffer guilt from going. I would definitely go with your daughter - its not like she is a 2 yr old and you will be confined to your room. I would go, move bed time around a bit - kids in Italy and Greece stay up later and eat in restaurants all the time, and try to enjoy the holiday. IF MIL does pass away, funerals take time to organise (usually a month is normal) so you wont miss that.

Wishing you all peace with your decisions and for your MIL I hope it is sooner rather than later in the "limbo" which is that unconsious state. Say your goodbyes and go, share stories of her with your daughter and keep in touch with DH

If you're going to quote someone at least tag them.
As it is the question was posed as a potential other way of assessing the situation.

Thanks everyone - there have been some really constructive comments here! And some inspirational ones about travelling alone with kids.

I'd say it would have been better to include it at the start tbh. Others may disagree.

I’d still speak to the insurance and Jet2. My ancient DP had a life limiting heart condition, then had a massive heart attack just before we went and insurance covered us ( third party and existing illness). Did you pay by credit card? They may cover you?

Personally I’d rather postpone because I’d miss DH and would rather have a holiday with him. I’ve always found Jet2 to be great and I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you change the dates.

If you’re already nervous about travelling, how much will you enjoy it? Although of course Santorini will be fine and you’re on a package.

I always turn situations such as this around. If my DM was dying and my DH decided to go away, I would find that really difficult. I would want his support and the love of my family around me.

We have had a recent very close family bereavement and it has been the love, comfort and support of others that have pulled us through.

In fact, my DF was very seriously ill abroad and my DH and I flew out to the hospital. My DH returned to the UK, leaving me there over Christmas, his DM, needed his support.
Although I went along with it, I knew that if my DF had died I would really have struggled with my DH and his decisions. Not being there when I needed him.

Fortunately, my DF pulled through.

Ultimately only you know what he and you need.

Up until you mentioned the history of abuse, I would have said not to go, but under those circumstances, go and enjoy your holiday if your DH feels able to cope alone.

You are, however, "that person" who makes judgemental and unkind remarks to a family facing imminent bereavement

I wouldn’t be able to leave my husband, not even if he suggested I go alone. Now isn’t the time for abandoning him even if your gut says she’ll live.

My MIL’s parent had a massive stroke and was palliative care. She had a holiday booked with friends when this happened. She still went on holiday and you couldn’t get two people who were closer. She had been there for her parent through many illnesses but MIL and her siblings had agreed that they couldn’t put their lives on hold whilst they waited for their parent to die.

She said her goodbyes before she went, pretty much as soon as she left the hospital parent went into an unconscious state and died 2 days later. MIL was supported by her friends whilst she was away and her siblings had respective partners to be there for them. But the parent had been ill for some time and wanted to die, it was a release for them, so don’t know if that makes a difference. Also didn’t want death bed scene and in fact died when one of the siblings had just left the room after they had been to visit them

Just go. Even if its just for your DD. There is nothing you can do at home.

Think u have already decided to go but as you are asking I would be considering the following.
A complicated relationship with his mother probably means his grief will be complicated and stir up all kinds of feelings that u can't anticipate now.
If you are not in the background whilst he and his brother navigate this he may feel "abandoned".
This may be the time to put his needs before your child's to show him his wife always has his back.
After a major bereavement any regrets cut very deep further complicating grief.
Are you more likely to regret missing a holiday or being present for your husband?
I am truly not coming at you with any judgement just outlining how I would be processing this decision