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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

387 replies

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 08:35

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 01/08/2024 09:31

PinkPanther50 · 01/08/2024 09:10

Wow your husbands mother is most probably dying and you are going to go on holiday! Why do you not feel the need to be there for your husband? If I were your husband I would probably say go if you asked (because I would assume that was your preferred choice) but I would fully expect you not to and to be around to support me and if you went I would certainly hold some resentment.
It would also show your daughter that supporting family in bad times is what family is all about.

Gosh. Do you really play those kind of silly games as a grown up person who is married?

I think most spouses, like OP and her DH from the sounds of it, are able to just have a straight forward conversation and communicate their needs, discuss pros and cons and weigh the situation up together.

Bankholidayhelp · 01/08/2024 09:31

I'd go. Your MIL could last days or weeks or even months (one of my relatives lasted three months after a massive stroke).

I'm going to sound harsh but in reality what 'support' is there to give if you stopped at home? It's likely that this would mean making cups of tea and sandwiches and listening to repeated reminiscences and everyone sat around looking sad. Your husband sounds like he has family around him. If he wants to sit at his mum's bedside all day then he can, without feeling guilty about you and DD. On top of this if you stop at home you will have likely have a bored and upset 12 year old wondering why her holiday is ruined as.

Go. Keep well in touch with DH.

Viewfrommyhouse · 01/08/2024 09:31

Another 'GO' here. I travel with DS without DH all the time. It's fab, we love our time together. Sometimes it's easier as there's only the two of you to please.

AuntieEstablishment · 01/08/2024 09:32

I'd stay at home. I don't think anyone can predict what grief is going to feel like at any particular time, and I'd want to be there for my husband when he suffers such a significant loss. I know that his mum hasn't been great, but that can complicate grief and mess with your head a bit. I wouldn't feel right leaving him.

Heavyboom · 01/08/2024 09:32

What does the 12yo want to do. Will she "mind" if GM pases while she away?

A trip, jus the two of you will be a lovely adventure, you don't need to worry about that.

Seaitoverthere · 01/08/2024 09:33

I think you go with DD. I had a 6.30am call from hospital to make a 2 hour drive when my Dad died. I asked if I would be in time and the nurse said she hoped so. It just wasn’t practical for DH to come with me at that point for various reasons so went on my own. I did make it in time.

The time afterwards went by in a blur. DH would been there like a shot if I needed him but I was too busy with my Stepmum and making arrangement and with other people coming by to need him at that point though very much needed him and my DC for the funeral a few weeks later . He was at the end of the phone at all times. It was a huge relief to me that I knew he was at home making sure everything ran smoothly there and I simply didn’t have to worry about that.

Follow your DH’s lead on this.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/08/2024 09:35

If his brother is telling him to go, then he should go on holiday with you.

This could go on for weeks.

anyolddinosaur · 01/08/2024 09:35

Your presence/ your husband's presence makes very little difference now. He could tell her he forgives her for his childhood or share any pleasant memories he can dredge up. Someone needs to take in clean clothes and maybe read as MIL may still be able to hear, they can not do a lot for her. If she dies the funeral can not take place immediately and airlines have, but dont publicise, bereavement spaces sometimes.

I'd go and actually I think your husband should go too if it's just a week, a fortnight maybe not. If he had a good mother/ you a good MIL she would say, if she could speak, go and make memories. That it was I would do for my child. Dying people often die in the few minutes someone goes to the toilet, it's like they choose not to have their child see them die.

CrumpledBankNote · 01/08/2024 09:35

It's a Jet2 package - it can be changed, at a cost yes - but you haven't "lost" the holiday.

Can't believe the amount of people that would leave their DH when his mum is about to die.

You can go on holiday whenever, she will only die once. He might be telling you to go because that's what people say but would you really want to be without your family if it was you??

MrsCarson · 01/08/2024 09:35

Go and take Dd on holiday, even if she passes before you get back, you'll be home for the funeral.

Izzymoon · 01/08/2024 09:36

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/08/2024 09:35

If his brother is telling him to go, then he should go on holiday with you.

This could go on for weeks.

Why is it his brother’s call? The DH can make his own decision.

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2024 09:36

Mum had a massive stroke a year ago .. unconscious, unresponsive, no swallow etc. we were told to prepare …she’s still with us. She is now in a care home, limited mobility, can speak, but it paralysed down one side, so can’t walk / sit up etc.

It was summer holiday time, and we (I have a number of siblings), had to decide what to do .. as it was, we went on our various holidays. You can’t legislate with the brain, it might be a week, month, or like us a year. My Dad died 2 weeks after his stroke. The Brain is an unpredictable organ.

Go on your hols

ACynicalDad · 01/08/2024 09:37

Go, but fly back if she does pass, and maybe suggest to your husband he flies out for the second half if things look more stable.

Original poster
NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:37

ACynicalDad · 01/08/2024 09:37

Go, but fly back if she does pass, and maybe suggest to your husband he flies out for the second half if things look more stable.

I was going to suggest this to him, not sure if he will agree….

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 01/08/2024 09:39

DoIWantTo · 01/08/2024 09:30

I wouldn’t be able to leave my husband, not even if he suggested I go alone. Now isn’t the time for abandoning him even if your gut says she’ll live.

What if that's what he wanted? I'd actually be really angry if my DH cancelled my DD's holiday in these circumstances. I would appreciate the time to say goodbye, to take care of practical arrangements and to feel however I felt without the pressure of having to also be a present parent and think about DD's needs or general day to day parenting or feel guilty that she was missing her holiday. I'd be so much happier to know she was taken care of and having fun on holiday. If my DH overrode my wishes on this (which he wouldn't because we communicate well and don't have to guess what the other really means) then I would see it as him centering himself and his desire to be viewed a certain way by others, not supporting me in the way I've asked him to, and not trusting me to know what's best for myself. He would never do that.

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/08/2024 09:39

@WestCorkGal it would be a matter of days before the OP was back. This is not out of the blue, the MIL has been seriously ill for a long time. The DH has other family support. He's not being abandoned to his grief. As a pp said, my family are quite "callous" or practical in these type of scenarios - the long expected demise of an ill, elderly parent is on somewhat on a different scale to an unexpected, sudden death and is generally taken in one's stride. He is happy for her and the child to go and it sounds like the OP would also beenfit from the confidence boost of doing this alone - on which point, OP - I have taken my two abroad alone several times, from primary age. Careful planning re what bags to use, activities for the plane etc and clear expectations set out in advance and is all is fine. You have one 12 year old and Santorini is packed wth tourists / families. Its totally fine.

Avalane · 01/08/2024 09:40

CrumpledBankNote · 01/08/2024 09:35

It's a Jet2 package - it can be changed, at a cost yes - but you haven't "lost" the holiday.

Can't believe the amount of people that would leave their DH when his mum is about to die.

You can go on holiday whenever, she will only die once. He might be telling you to go because that's what people say but would you really want to be without your family if it was you??

I think, as always on here, there is some bias to take into account because this is the mother in law.

It would be really interesting to post this reversed. Poster with a dying mother, tells her husband to go on holiday with the kids… and he does!

LaMarschallin · 01/08/2024 09:41

If you stayed it would be for your DH's sake not your MiL's so, imo, the back story of "abusive MiL" should make no difference.
If he genuinely wants you and DC to go, definitely go.
From your posts you sound well able to look after yourself and DC on a flight and when abroad.

Interesting that you didn't mention the "abusive MiL" back story because you were worried you'd be "flamed" - have you never read any MiL threads on MN before? You'd probably have people telling you that the only reason to stay would be the opportunity to dance on her grave that bit earlier.

EI12 · 01/08/2024 09:42

Go! She will have her son there. She is not abandoned at all, your BIL and your DH. I made the mistake of organising our family's life around my not very well DM for years, namely 5 - one crisis after another, one hospitalisation after another, end-stage kidney, every time 'she won't come out of hospital'. I have not noticed how my dc grew up, how they sat their exams, how my dh's health deteriorated so he needed an operation, how my dc failed their final exams. I have not noticed how I entered the menopause and I can't even describe the symptoms. Never went on holidays during the 5 years, too scared to leave her alone in a hospital, where they did not even bother to read the notes properly. Go! If she pulls through and comes out of hospital, you will be in for the long haul with care provision. Go! And don't phone your DH every 4 hours, because you will ruin your holiday.

CrumpledBankNote · 01/08/2024 09:43

@Avalane Exactly. I despise my MIL but I sure as shit wouldn't be leaving my DH to deal with it alone. It's not about how I feel - it's about being there for HIM.

This is more about "I'm worried about traveling solo with my DD do you have any advice".

stayathomer · 01/08/2024 09:43

I wouldn’t go personally, if something happened to my mum I’d want my family to lean on. There’ll be other holidays. Easy for him to say it now but when he comes home to an empty house after she’s in hospital he might feel differently

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/08/2024 09:43

Well, your husband should definitely go on holiday with you in this case.

He owes her nothing.

Henrysotherwoman · 01/08/2024 09:43

I think try to pp it to another date if possible? Alternatively, is there anyone who could join you instead (sister, mum, friend)?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/08/2024 09:44

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:10

This is very difficult thing to say but perhaps makes my decision easier (and I didn’t want to speak badly of someone on deaths door) - my MIL was emotionally and mentally abusive to her sons for their entire lives. The fact my DH is being so gracious is testament to his good character.

So to answer the question, what would my MIL say? She would say “don’t go on holiday” she would try to stop us (she always tried to stop us and control us)..for that very reason, I should go shouldn’t I?

it’s awful - but it’s true.

Well, your husband should definitely go on holiday with you in this case.

He owes her nothing.

WestCorkGal · 01/08/2024 09:44

Just to add to my previous post I would also be thinking the following..
Someone following a massive stroke unconscious and receiving palliative care is more likely than not to die in the next 10 days ( ex hospice nurse here)
Before you go you will need to explain to your child why her dad is not joining you.
So the message to your dd is very complex and may be confusing. Your fathers mother is dying but we are going away on holiday. How do you think she would process this in terms of how families support each other?
Is it really meeting her emotional needs to carry on with holiday plans?