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Original poster

MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

387 replies

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 08:35

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

OP posts:
Janiie · 01/08/2024 09:04

I just wouldn't enjoy myself knowing dh was at home with a possibly dying parent. Family holidays should have all members present imo.

Just one of you have d&v and claim on the insurance re book in a few months when the situation will be clearer.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 01/08/2024 09:04

I think your DH should go too.

If I was the MIL in hospital I'd be mortified if my son missed a family holiday just to be around waiting for me to die!

But if your DH won't go then you should still go!

merrymelodies · 01/08/2024 09:06

It really depends on what your DH wants in this situation; whether he'd rather you and DC stay close by for support or if he's fine with you going. He might welcome being on his own at this time. Or not. Only he knows.

If he's truly comfortable with you going on your holiday without him, I would definitely go. It will be a good distraction for you and your DC as well as a chance to bond over an adventure. Yeah, I'd definitely go!

I'm sorry you are all having to go through such a sad and difficult time. Flowers

SlidingDoors1 · 01/08/2024 09:06

I would stay. There is no way I would leave my husband in this hour of need - what if his mum dies whilst i am away? No way, i wouldnt be that person

usernother · 01/08/2024 09:07

Go. Without a doubt. As a single parent I always took my 2 children alone (younger than your child) and it was fine.

Lilacapples · 01/08/2024 09:07

I’d go with your daughter. There’s absolutely no point you all staying. I’m very sorry your DH is going through this but his brother will be there, he’ll be fine.

Lilacapples · 01/08/2024 09:09

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 08:38

Thank you - just to add, how would you feel about travelling alone with a child? We are going to Santorini. Would you feel safe? I’m a little nervous.

wouldn’t give it a thought. You’ll be fine. Not abroad but I’ve taken all 3 of mine many times when husband has had to work.

BigSkies2022 · 01/08/2024 09:09

Go. Santorini will be lovely, and very easy. And honestly (I sat at first husband's bedside for weeks when he died), with an unresponsive, older relative, who might last days, or weeks, if I were your DH, I'd be coming with you. If your MIL has any awareness of those around her, she might be mightily distressed by being so helpless in front of those she's cared for. And she'd probably dislike getting in the way of longed-for and precious holidays.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 01/08/2024 09:09

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:03

We tried yesterday, we were outside of the “48 hour period” with Jet2 to see if my friend could come but they said no it counts as “days” not hours! So unreasonable!

Show quote history

Have you asked them to change the date? As suggested before I think this is a good option to explore. Even if you have to pay a little bit extra.

If not in your situation i'd consider going. Has he dealt with death before? As this would influence my decision somewhat (mine hasn't so not sure he'd be okay when something happens to MIL/FIL). I'd be sure DH was certain it was ok. I'd also leave it that I was at the end of a phone day and night and i'd also leave all the hotel details with phone numbers there with him easily accessible and let his brother know the same. Also make sure you have access to a credit card/money if you need to book an emergency flight back.

I've never been to santorini but i'm sure at this time of year its full of brits and is perfectly safe.

Shodan · 01/08/2024 09:10

SlidingDoors1 · 01/08/2024 09:06

I would stay. There is no way I would leave my husband in this hour of need - what if his mum dies whilst i am away? No way, i wouldnt be that person

What about if DH feels sad and guilty that his DD would miss out on the holiday she's so excited about? Surely you wouldn't want to add that burden to him?

OP is your DH has said to go, you should go. He has his brother's support should the worst happen, and you'll be around for the upcoming months when your support will be invaluable to him.

Original poster
NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:10

This is very difficult thing to say but perhaps makes my decision easier (and I didn’t want to speak badly of someone on deaths door) - my MIL was emotionally and mentally abusive to her sons for their entire lives. The fact my DH is being so gracious is testament to his good character.

So to answer the question, what would my MIL say? She would say “don’t go on holiday” she would try to stop us (she always tried to stop us and control us)..for that very reason, I should go shouldn’t I?

it’s awful - but it’s true.

OP posts:
PinkPanther50 · 01/08/2024 09:10

Wow your husbands mother is most probably dying and you are going to go on holiday! Why do you not feel the need to be there for your husband? If I were your husband I would probably say go if you asked (because I would assume that was your preferred choice) but I would fully expect you not to and to be around to support me and if you went I would certainly hold some resentment.
It would also show your daughter that supporting family in bad times is what family is all about.

Londonrach1 · 01/08/2024 09:11

Id follow your dh lead here. Does he have support which he does. Also how would your dc and your feel if your mil passed whilst you were away. However is there anything you can do if you were there and maybe taking dc away best option. It's just an awful situation. Thoughts with you and your family.

Greentreesandbushes · 01/08/2024 09:11

Go. Pack light regards clothes but take some home comforts. Cuddly toys, snacks in suitcase, good tea bags and a favourite mug.

I'm in Greece’s only worn a few dresses and flip flops in 10 days. Loads of swimming costumes and undies. It’s v hot, high 30’s

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 01/08/2024 09:12

Jet2 packages are very easy, so many reps everywhere to help you find your gate/transfer etc so i wouldn't worry about travelling alone with your daughter. With his blessing i would go, it might not be a bad thing for him to only have to focus on himself and his brother for a little bit and shield your daughter from some of the immediate pain.
So sorry for you all OP.

SamW98 · 01/08/2024 09:13

Go. I remember the first time I went away with just me and my then 13 year old DS - I was terrified. We also went to Greece and it was a fabulous week. We really had quality time together and came back much more chilled.

I let him have a few laying while I got up early and sat round the pool on my own, headphones in zoned out the outside world.

It’s a lovely chance to spend 1 on 1 time together before they get too old to want to. I really regret covid restrictions meant I lost the chance of a couple more holidays with my son.

I went to Santorini last year and it’s very safe. Where are you staying?

saraclara · 01/08/2024 09:14

Werweisswohin · 01/08/2024 08:55

I wouldn't go.
If it were the opposite scenario, so if your DM was this ill, would you mind if DH took your child on holiday and left you alone to potentially watch your DM die?

Her DH wants her to go. In this situation I would do what my partner wanted.

I also agree that sometimes it's easier not to have to be worrying about someone else. DH can focus on his mum and brother more easily if OP and DD are elsewhere.

Redissuereader · 01/08/2024 09:14

You should go, your daughter is 12 and it's her first trip abroad, not only are you going to be just waiting for grandma to die but it might not happen until you return.

Sounds harsh but it's a chance to get some 1 on 1 girls time before she's about to turn in to a teenager and you might not get another chance to do this. I understand it would be a lot nicer to have your husband there but realistically no matter how badly she's treated him, he would feel guilty if he left, you however don't need to, unless he needs your support, is he close to his brother?

Original poster
NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:15

PinkPanther50 · 01/08/2024 09:10

Wow your husbands mother is most probably dying and you are going to go on holiday! Why do you not feel the need to be there for your husband? If I were your husband I would probably say go if you asked (because I would assume that was your preferred choice) but I would fully expect you not to and to be around to support me and if you went I would certainly hold some resentment.
It would also show your daughter that supporting family in bad times is what family is all about.

About 98% of posters on here disagree with you. I’ve been there for my DH for the past 2 years since this began - you have no idea. My preferred choice is not to travel alone. Holding resentment says more about you as a person - don’t project that on to other people.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 01/08/2024 09:15

I think I would call the holiday company to try to postpone the holiday to half term in October or to next summer. If they refuse and your holiday insurance refuses, then I would contact the hotel direct and ask if they could change the dates and then buy new flights. I have always found hotels very reasonable. We had to postpone a big birthday weekend with relatives that had been booked and paid for as it clashed with a family funeral - we had to compromise on rooms but they did their best to find us new dates and there was no additional charge. I would fly to Greece with a child without a second thought and have done, but I don’t think I could enjoy a holiday under those circumstances.

Pippatpip · 01/08/2024 09:15

This happened to my lovely MIL. She had a massive stroke. Was completely unresponsive, husband dashed up to be at her side and to support his sister as we were told death was imminent. She lasted another three to four weeks afterwards. I would go on your holiday. It will be lovely and better for your daughter to remember her granny as she was when you last saw her. She could well be still alive on your return, particularly if her heart is in good nick. Have a lovely holiday.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 01/08/2024 09:16

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:10

This is very difficult thing to say but perhaps makes my decision easier (and I didn’t want to speak badly of someone on deaths door) - my MIL was emotionally and mentally abusive to her sons for their entire lives. The fact my DH is being so gracious is testament to his good character.

So to answer the question, what would my MIL say? She would say “don’t go on holiday” she would try to stop us (she always tried to stop us and control us)..for that very reason, I should go shouldn’t I?

it’s awful - but it’s true.

Then your DH should come too.

If needs be he could always fly back if she dies but to be honest it won't change anything so he might as well enjoy quality family time instead.

Werweisswohin · 01/08/2024 09:16

NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:10

This is very difficult thing to say but perhaps makes my decision easier (and I didn’t want to speak badly of someone on deaths door) - my MIL was emotionally and mentally abusive to her sons for their entire lives. The fact my DH is being so gracious is testament to his good character.

So to answer the question, what would my MIL say? She would say “don’t go on holiday” she would try to stop us (she always tried to stop us and control us)..for that very reason, I should go shouldn’t I?

it’s awful - but it’s true.

Perhaps it would have been helpful to state this at the beginning - you would possibly have got some very different replies.

SpringleDingle · 01/08/2024 09:16

Pull up your big girl panties. I travel with my autistic kid on our own plenty. Last year we went to Tenerife for a week. We've also done Paris, plenty of other UK destinations. Since I split with my exH when she was 8 I've not had many other options if we want a vacation. She is 13 this year and we are actually off on holiday with my new partner but I wouldn't hesitate to take her on my own. We have a blast!!

Original poster
NoSourDough · 01/08/2024 09:16

LadyLapsang · 01/08/2024 09:15

I think I would call the holiday company to try to postpone the holiday to half term in October or to next summer. If they refuse and your holiday insurance refuses, then I would contact the hotel direct and ask if they could change the dates and then buy new flights. I have always found hotels very reasonable. We had to postpone a big birthday weekend with relatives that had been booked and paid for as it clashed with a family funeral - we had to compromise on rooms but they did their best to find us new dates and there was no additional charge. I would fly to Greece with a child without a second thought and have done, but I don’t think I could enjoy a holiday under those circumstances.

That’s good advice - thank you

OP posts: