MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

I would go, as your DH wants you to.

You will be fine fine fine travelling with DD on your own, promise. Just make sure you have all the essentials- passports tickets, medicine and money. I travel very often on my own with my two- one of whom (my 14 year old ) is very autistic and also has/had a flying phobia. DH is not a good traveller so I took it on myself to take the DCs on as many flights as I could possibly afford to try and get DS1 over his fear. (It worked..... and we are going long haul at Christmas time). If you need, go to the special assistance desks when you fly and just say you are an inexperienced traveller and they will look after you- we have only had good experiences with special assistance.

And enjoy yourself while there. You can't change whatever the outcome if going to be for your MIL although of course it is a stressful time... but you can't influence it, and you can only be moral support to DH. If he really wants you to go on holiday then you can be that support via phone.

Best of luck.

Finally some compassionate responses.

I don't care how awful someone has been, they are their parent. I just can't get my head around people honestly thinking the best solution is to leave.

I'd stay.

DH would tell me to go and have fun. DH would also never leave me if the situation were reversed. We are there for each other when times are tough. If his DM died I wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house and having to cook his own dinner. I would want to be there to hold his hand, feed him and support him. DC would understand. At 12 the can easily get that stuff and seeing parents work together is an invaluable life lesson and will really help with their own self confidence. Its nice to know someone will always, no matter what be there for you.

What are your concerns? How do you think single parents cope? I've been alone with my daughter when she was 4, 5, and 6. It'll be much easier with a 10 year old - have a wonderful time!

I'm glad I read your post as I was going to say that we were in a similar situation and knew the relative approaching end of life would have sent us all on holiday.
How awful that you are in the complete opposite situation, it feels as though she has deliberately timed this to stop you going - especially with your husband's health conditions.
I would be going on holiday and I would be hoping that your in-laws would be telling your husband to go too. If not, can Jet2 postpone your holiday to later in the year or next year?

Hi op sorry to hear that. My dad died day before hols so we moved dates out. You more stressed away I think. Anyway not easy times. Best wishes

If your Dh says go, then go. My mother was persuaded to still go to Greece 3 days after my dad suddenly died. I was meant to fly out to surprise them. She’d have been alone at home otherwise. Different situation, I know, but I think you’d be sitting regretting it if you didn’t go.

Why does going mean lacking compassion? I would be advising OP to go regardless of her relationship with mil. It's not about that it's about being practical. Holidays to most are a big deal. They're the time you really unwind and relax. Of course loved ones are important but you're important too and there's often really nothing you can add being there. That's prudence not lack of compassion. Not every family needs every single family member sat around weeping about an elderly, very comorbid person going through the natural process of dying.

@Dinoswearunderpants interestingly MIL's parent was always very critical whenever MIL or her siblings went on holiday abroad, asking why they needed to, what about if they became ill etc. MIL and her siblings did a lot for the parent but were agreed that they would never curtail their holidays as parent had been ill for years and they couldn't put their lives on hold waiting for them to die.

However, as parent got older and frailer they just wanted to die, they had had enough of life, it brought them no joy. When they had a stroke and the end was finally near, and MIL had a holiday booked, parent told them to go, not to cancel, not to sit by her death bed. Parent died 2 days after MIL went away. They died when no sibling was in the room. They had been unconscious for those 2 days and siblings had been visiting. MIL had spent her lifetime telling parent how much they were loved. Hardest decision MIL had to make, but she was with closet friends when parent died. One of the other siblings was a very emotional person, think MIL felt more supported and better being with friends rather than emotional sibling!

Definitely go.

It’s Europe. You’re as safe there as you are here. If you live in a city here you’re probably safer there.

I would happily travel alone with a child, especially a 12 yr old. Not sure I would want to leave my DH however.

End of life following a severe stroke is very difficult to predict, might be a week, might be a month or more. If your DH is telling you to go and feels he has sufficient support from your BIL then go. It might actually be better for your DC not to be around as depending on age it could be very upsetting to see your MIL as she is so ill and even more so than pre the 2nd stroke and also be around other very ill people on end of life.

The only thing you do need to agree on is whether you would fly home if your MIL passed while you were away - before you go.

Santorini is quite a high end tourist destination, you’ll be absolutely fine. Go enjoy yourselves. Although I think it’s an odd choice with a 12 year old. It’s very high end honeymoon destination, don’t remember much for kids. Boat trip could be fun.

At 12 your daughter will be more of a companion that a child. You can work things out together.

Go.

Hubby says go, then go.

DH is sitting by his Mum's bedside to wait for the end. He will be with his family and reminisce. You and little one can do bugger all and will end up getting in the way. (Don't mean to be rude but preteens can be taxing.)

Greece is a child loving country. You will receive nothing but help and affection from the locals.

You will be perfectly safe. If you drop your bag, chances are someone will hand it to you. People who come a cropper on hols tend to do so late at night when drunk. You'll be tucked up in bed long before anything interesting can happen to you.

It would be a shame to waste all that money. Take a friend, if you can, but enjoy the sunshine and ouzo.

Go.

(Edited as misread 12 yr old for younger)

@TeaGinandFags DD is 12 not a toddler

I stand corrected.

Hence the hasty edit, but the advice is the same.

I think I'd try Jet2 again. Lay it on thick, DH unwell, MIL at deaths door, first ever foreign holiday and see if they can move it.

It sounds like DH is going to need a holiday when this is over

But be aware that Greece won’t be guaranteed to be hot in October

Oh OP what an awful situation to be in. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer but I think typically the insurance/travel companies are being horrendous. Have you tried to speak with your GP to see if they can write a letter getting your DH out on health reasons? Might be worth a try.
I think I’d need to stay with DH. The death of a difficult parent can often be more painful than the death of a nice one. Hope whichever you decide works out well for you or as well as can be expected x

OP has stated this will be the first time their DD has travelled on a plane and is looking forward to it. OP has stated travel insurance won’t cover them if they cancel outright. I get the feeling this was a much longed for family holiday abroad and they may have saved for this experience. I agree there may be other holidays in the future but the fact OP is considering going with her DD alone tells me something. I don’t think think there will be enough in the pot to jet-off for October half-term for a family holiday.

I would go. Your mil has both of her sons with her. It won't be the holiday you imagined but it'll still be a holiday and it will give you time with your dd.

But I don't have a partner so I can't put myself in your situation.

My sympathies to you and your DH.

OP, whatever solution you and your DH choose is the right one.

You know your DH and family best. Don't let people put their own interpretation of how they might deal with it shame you. Everyone deals with this differently.

Having experienced hospital deathbed scenarios several times.
It's very unpredictable. But when the person has been in decline for some time, then their closest relatives have had time to visit many times and also to come to terms with it and it sounds like your DH and BIL have had a chance to do that.

People can be given days and then carry on for months.

For your 12 year old, it can be a very very different experience to seeing Granny for a visit when she's awake and responsive.

Go!! There’s nothing you can do to help whilst she’s in hospital and your DH has his brother for support. You would be back before a funeral.