MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

You clearly don't go. Wtaf at the posters on here saying go. I hope you realise ageing happens to us all and you might be the one in a hospital bed one day I'd also e pect your DH to think wtf if you went.

You should all go, what is he going to do if he is home, it's not like she is going to recover in the space of the holiday and need help, if she dies then surely he can sort out funeral remotely with family.

That would be decisive for me. Not trying to be mean and of course it's still going to be a hard time for your DH, but in your shoes I would go rather than let my child miss out on her holiday.

Is it not covered by insurance as she was already ill so it could be seen as expected.

I love my MIL but I'd still go on the holiday because there is nothing I could do here. To all those saying don't go so you can support your husband, support with what? He'll be visiting his mum who won't know he's there in hospital.

You say you for your insurance late- how late? If you got it less than 14
Days ago you can get a full refund on it due to cooling off period.

I'd go and leave DH at home

Why are you nervous? It's perfectly safe and normal thing to do as an adult

What does your DH want you to do?

When my mother died, her grandchildren (our daughters and their husbands) were on holiday in Greece. We decided that my mother would have been devastated to be the cause of a ruined holiday so we didn’t tell them. After all, it made no difference to Mum and saved their holiday. What we did do though, was delay the funeral until they were home and we had brought them up to speed.
So, go and enjoy yourselves as much as you can. I think your husband should go too for the reason above but, of course, that is his decision and not my business.

Sorry just re read the OP - go with his blessing and have a wonderful time. It won't be the same but it will be a fond memory.

I think you should all go. Your dd is the priority. Your dh being there will change nothing, and his brother is encouraging him to go.

If my mother was dying I would actually find it preferable to just have my siblings and mum’s relatives around me, rather than having to navigate usual family life and kids/childcare. Not everybody is needy and unable to cope without their spouse next to them.

OP - absolutely go if your husband is ok with it, you can FaceTime him, he will be busy and with his brother. I wish you all the best.

Definitely go. Grandparents would not want their children and grandchildren to miss out on a holiday.

You’ll be fine in Santorini with your child. I travelled a lot alone with mine - no issues

Agree. This would have been a different thread with this in the OP and not dripfed in. Just go, the both of you.

Of course your DH has to stay with his mother. And if he doesn’t want or need your support, yes take your DD on holiday.

But be prepared for however you - and your DH - might feel if she dies while you’re away. It might be more complicated than you anticipate.

I'm really torn on this. Part of me thinks go , but the other part worries about training your DD that she can leave difficult situations. Death is an important part of life and should be marked I think.

I totally disagree with this . Children should not always be the priority. Respect for the mother and seeing her on her journey is surely the priority here

I would contact the holiday company to postpone till probably next year. It’s worth a try. My holiday company did this for me free of charge when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and hadn’t sorted the insurance as we usually do that just before we go on hols. Even if they did it for a charge it would be worth it for you to be here to support your husband if that is what is best for you both.

Most PPs agree you should go with your daughter. I would go further and say all of you should go; your MIL could remain under palliative care for longer than the duration of your holiday and maybe for quite a while afterwards.

Childhood is about memories; it doesn't sound as if your DH has good memories of his own childhood, so perhaps it's reasonable to argue that he shouldn't deprive his daughter of happy memories of her first flight abroad on holiday with both her parents.

Dying with family assembled round your bedside is a romantic notion, and while some grieving children will say they would do it all again, many say it was a drawn out, traumatic experience they'd prefer not to think about at length.

I don’t think I said children should always be the priority? In the circumstances here, that’s my view.

Totally agree. In the same situation I would put my child’s wishes first in agreement with their father.

The OP says he wants them to go on the holiday- and she knows the family dynamic a lot better than we do.

She's controlling and abusive. So, no.

Except a) the mother is unconscious and unaware, and b) was not a particularly pleasant person.

I couldn’t go away and have ‘fun’ whilst my husband’s heart was about to be broken.

It’s important to remember that people are different, that relationships and families work differently and that sometimes one person’s way of coping wouldn’t work for another. My DH would absolutely prefer to be left to “get on with it” in that situation and would mean it if he said “go without me”. By the sound of it, the OP’s DH is of similar thinking.

It doesn't matter what you or I think, or even what the OP thinks about whether her dh "should" go on holiday, or the relationship he had with his mum.

Child/parent relationships are complex, and if he feels he wants to/or needs stay for what could be his mums last days, he is the ONLY person who should make that decision and it is not a decision that should be swayed by anyone else's feelings at this time.

Which leaves the only decision is whether the OP feels a jolly is more important than supporting her husband, who has health issues himself, during what will be a very emotional and difficult time for him.

No one, not even the OPs dh knows how he will react/cope if/when his mum dies. My normally stoic dh actually broke down for weeks after losing his cruelly manipulative mother - it was heartbreaking to watch. I actually cannot comprehend how anyone could even consider abandoning a spouse to deal with such a stressful life event themselves for a week in Greece!

I wouldn't go. I would want to be there to support DH if she dies. But only you know your DH and he copes.