MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

You should go.
She could survive another long while.
They can stay seriously ill for quite a long time. Deteriorate and rally, deteriorate and rally, on and on.

A relative of mine had a catastrophic stroke last year and the general consensus seems to be that he could live another 10 years.
He'e been watching the Olympics at the moment and some relatives expect him to live far beyond the Brisbane Olympics in 2034.

Cant see it myself - but it seems to be the running consensus.

I also think you should go, as guided by your DH. People handle these situations differently. There are those who want their partner/spouse there for the emotional support and others who prefer to work through their feelings alone. Neither is wrong.

I wouldn't go, I'd want to be there to support my husband. Losing a parent or waiting for a parent to die is horrendous and going on holiday wouldn't sit right with me.

you'll be totally fine

I went on a longhaul holiday knowing my granny might well die whilst I was there and she did sadly pass away whilst I was out there. I had a very loving relationship with her. I'm a deeply caring person but also pragmatic. I really wasn't going to change things being there. My dp and I were in no position financially to refund the holiday if we didn't go. My granny was in her 90's being well cared for at my mum and dad's house and Passed away peacefully. I would expect my future grandchildren to do exactly the same in this scenario.

Death is always sad but sometimes it isn't a tragedy and as pp have said you can't put life on hold waiting for death.

I'm sad I wasn't around when my granny died but I don't regret it. If dh has given you his blessing and you think that your dd will be able to relax when she's out there then just go.

Your children will have many opportunities to go on holidays in the future, but they probably will regret not to say goodbye to their grandmother the last time.

They can say goodbye before they go.

You should go. Lots of parents travel alone with their DC. I've done it and it's fine. I'm taking my 2 away on my own later this month. If BIL is ok with your DH going I think he should go too, but it is entirely his decision. But either way you should go and have fun.

Go, absolutely. I've taken my two abroad on my own several times since they were little.

This is a massive assumption. For most families holidays are a massive chunk of their budget. It could be that it will take the family years to save up to go again. On the flip side the child can say goodbye to her grandma before she goes having happy memories of her rather than spending the next however many days visiting her when she's actively dying and possibly not even conscious or aware of her. I wouldn't want any grandchild of mine to see me like this to be really honest

That may be true, but you do not need to use this as a weapon to get back at her - because it wont - - she dont know, she's dying.

How would you feel if your mother was facing death and your OH fucked off on holiday?

The only person you will be hurting is your OH
It is super unsupportive to even be considering this

My DH will put practical head on when anything like this happens. He would be happier that I would be with DC and doing our thing whilst he got on with sorting out MIL and having the support of BIL.

My MIL would rather DC were having a holiday rather than hovering around her death bed. In fact she would love hearing about the holiday, so if her hearing was still working, a FaceTime from Greece telling her about her day would probably be an option.

It's supposed to be a family trip. Shouldn't they rearrange when all members can go?

I get that dying elderly relatives are inconvenient but either go with the dh now or with the dh in a couple of months when dates are rearranged. There must be a way to do this.

@SlidingDoors1 her DH has told her to go on holiday, BIL has told his brother to go on holiday. As I said my DH would be practical head rather than emotional head in this situation. I am the emotional one, so actually he would probably rather be on his own than have me being emotional around!

When my mother was in the hospice we had taken turns to sit with her but went home to get a quick bit of dinner. The phone rang when we had just got through the door to say she had died, we went back down, naturally very upset but the wonderful staff said it was very common for a person to hang on to die on their own.

She said the travel insurance wouldn't allow that. Obviously it would be better to rearrange for a later date so they can all go, but I am assuming that's not an option.

If you can postpone to October, do that and have the time together. If you can't go and just take it easy. I wouldn't say that anywhere but I would for Greece, it's amazing and the tourist industry there is so established and seamless that you will have a wonderful time. It's hot though, so be prepared for that and don't rush around too much.

I think you should go.

This isn’t a sudden, unexpected death, her DH has probably been mentally prepared for a while. When my elderly DF died there was really nothing for my DH to do. My sister and I did all necessary organising and supported each other.
MiL is unresponsive so unlikely to be a of who is sitting round her bed waiting . If she dies soon, DH could join on the holiday, there is often quite a wait for funerals.

Me personally op I wouldn't leave my hubby because he would never leave me. I wouldn't be able to relax and if the worst happens then you will want to be with your husband. Can the holiday be re arranged ? Obviously if you choose to go then that's fine too. I'm honestly not trying to be mean . Either way i hope it all works out. Obviously it's your family and you know best at the end of the day. Wishing you all the best what ever you decide.

In the context of the relationship you describe between your MIL and your DH and his support for you travellling then I would go, and I would not fly home if she passes away. Other than funeral arrangements which BIL and DH can manage, you can add little. I understand your DH wanting to stay but as someone who has lived through a parent and FIL with terminal illness, these things can drag on and it's not good to look back and find you've literally spent years putting your life on hold waiting for the right time.

I would caveat that by saying if Jet2 will be accommodating and allow you to move the holiday to other dates, I would do that but she could still be with you at half term.

OP you say she’s unresponsive. Is she having artificial feeding or hydration? The use of these will have a significant impact on timescale of any outcomes and prognosis. If neither have been instigated it’s unlikely that she will survive for more than days.

And if they have been started, there may be some difficult conversations ahead for your husband and his brother about withdrawing feeds/fluids.

Your travel insurance would absolutely cover this! I had a trip booked to Orlando, my Dad passed away the day after we were due to fly out. They refunded everything.

Whilst I understand you're looking forward to this trip I just couldn't live with the guilt of not being there for the final hours.

Your poor husband will lose his Mum and you want to go off on your holidays!

Your insurance will refund you (minus an excess) just rebook something for later in the year.

Go it will be nice mother daughter bonding time. Don’t worry about travelling alone, just use your instincts, stay in open safe places. I travelled for years as a single female, I loved it and would have no problems travelling with my DDs, we regularly do weekends away just us.

As for DH & MIL. My Nan who was very much loved, no toxic family issues, was in hospital quite seriously ill, at the time it as a first for many of the family, my aunt was going on her first overseas holiday with her dd, my parents were taking their first overseas holiday, a group of my male cousins were doing a lads holiday, my aunt was living in Germany ( first time leaving the country) with her DH for a few months. My Nan died while they were all away. It was fine I saw my Nan the night she died, another aunt was with her, no one was upset the others went away, Nan wasn’t alone and if she had been lucid she would have told them to all go.

if you mil has been abusive and controlling of you DH and BIL then I’d definitely go, her control should not extend to you and you DD. She sounds like she dosnt deserve your sacrifice of staying.

You can save and have another holiday with your DH another time.

Yes I'd feel the same. I'm not sure if you'd even enjoy it worrying about what is happening at home.