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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect DH to come with us?

444 replies

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:35

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

OP posts:
clearmoon · 31/07/2024 23:37

Camping is so great for kids. It is for their benefit more than parents. Why wouldn't he do something to benefit his children?

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:40

clearmoon · 31/07/2024 23:37

Camping is so great for kids. It is for their benefit more than parents. Why wouldn't he do something to benefit his children?

My thoughts exactly.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 31/07/2024 23:40

I think it's something that should have been discussed before buying the big expensive tent and equipment.
It's not OK for you to insist that DH has to go camping, but equally, if you are prepared to take the kids alone, he could at least help out with the packing and unpacking. How does he propose that that you all get a holiday?

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2024 23:40

Sorry, can’t stand tent-pitch camping.
Glamping or a furnished pod, different story.

Greytulips · 31/07/2024 23:41

Nothing would make me camp. You can’t railroad people into camping.

It’s your idea and your tent,

He doesn’t want to go and you shouldn’t have expected him to without any discussion.

Pigeonqueen · 31/07/2024 23:42

If it wasn’t a family purchase and you have got it without him you can’t expect him to be jumping at the chance to go if he never wanted to go camping in the first place. I wouldn’t go either. I’d be happy to have some sort of other family holiday of course but no way would I want to go camping. Sorry.

Having said that I do think he’s unreasonable for not helping you set it up / take it down if he’s actually with you - seems like he’s annoyed you got it.

mynameiscalypso · 31/07/2024 23:43

Luckily, I know my DH has as little interest in camping as I do but I can't think of anything worse and can't imagine doing it for 4/5 days with children.

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:43

Greytulips · 31/07/2024 23:41

Nothing would make me camp. You can’t railroad people into camping.

It’s your idea and your tent,

He doesn’t want to go and you shouldn’t have expected him to without any discussion.

I’m not necessarily expecting him to - he’s an adult, he can chose not to come. But I just feel that he should have more regard to myself and the children.

The difference is, when I’d discussed my ideas of getting a tent and going camping, he never once objected/said it was a bad idea/that he wouldn’t come.

OP posts:
VerySadCase · 31/07/2024 23:45

clearmoon · 31/07/2024 23:37

Camping is so great for kids. It is for their benefit more than parents. Why wouldn't he do something to benefit his children?

I always hated camping even as a kid.

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 23:46

If your dh said 'this is the holiday I want, I've spent thousands on it, don't care you don't like it, I'm telling you to come' you'd be happy?

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:46

Pigeonqueen · 31/07/2024 23:42

If it wasn’t a family purchase and you have got it without him you can’t expect him to be jumping at the chance to go if he never wanted to go camping in the first place. I wouldn’t go either. I’d be happy to have some sort of other family holiday of course but no way would I want to go camping. Sorry.

Having said that I do think he’s unreasonable for not helping you set it up / take it down if he’s actually with you - seems like he’s annoyed you got it.

In regards to the last sentence - it’s more that he doesn’t do DIY of any kind, he expects me to do it all. Anything that requires a bit of effort, he refuses to do as he has no interest in it. He expects me to do it or it doesn’t get done. He never helps. Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 31/07/2024 23:48

Generally, you are either a camping person or you aren't. You are. Your DH isn't. You should have discussed this before spending this sort of money. Eg borrow equipment from friends to have a trial trip, or buy cheaper stuff or second hand. If you and your DC like camping and your DH doesn't, maybe that's a fun activity for you to do with the DC while he works, but sell the 40kg monster on eBay and buy something you can handle alone.

However, if the issue is that your DH will never make time for family holidays and always has some excuse like "but I hate the beach" "but I don't like walking" "but city breaks are boring", then you have a very fair point. He ought to want to spend precious holiday time with you and the DC and be able to identity (and preferably book) something you would all enjoy.

mdinbc · 31/07/2024 23:48

I think he is being an arse. Firstly to sit by and watch you work, and secondly to not want to come along. I get that it may not be his first choice of vacation, but has he offered any alternatives? I also agree that this should have been discussed as a family.

alwaysmovingforwards · 31/07/2024 23:48

I’m on the fence.
Sounds like you’ve railroaded him a bit.
But equally he’s a bit soft to not push outside his comfort zone to benefit DCs.

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:48

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 23:46

If your dh said 'this is the holiday I want, I've spent thousands on it, don't care you don't like it, I'm telling you to come' you'd be happy?

Of course not, I completely agree with the point. But I’d still see the benefit of the camping trip for the DC (who desperately want to go camping) and if I was male, I would have regard for the safety of the female partner and children..

OP posts:
otravezempezamos · 31/07/2024 23:49

I’m with your DH. I’d rather sit on a cactus than go camping. Not my idea of a holiday at all. And being SE, you make holiday leave choices carefully.

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:51

SummerInSun · 31/07/2024 23:48

Generally, you are either a camping person or you aren't. You are. Your DH isn't. You should have discussed this before spending this sort of money. Eg borrow equipment from friends to have a trial trip, or buy cheaper stuff or second hand. If you and your DC like camping and your DH doesn't, maybe that's a fun activity for you to do with the DC while he works, but sell the 40kg monster on eBay and buy something you can handle alone.

However, if the issue is that your DH will never make time for family holidays and always has some excuse like "but I hate the beach" "but I don't like walking" "but city breaks are boring", then you have a very fair point. He ought to want to spend precious holiday time with you and the DC and be able to identity (and preferably book) something you would all enjoy.

The last paragraph is spot on. There’s always an excuse as to why he doesn’t want to make time for family, And it’s always because he prioritises his business and can’t say no to clients. Whilst I fully support him and his business, I also feel the effect of me and DC always coming second best.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 31/07/2024 23:52

clearmoon · 31/07/2024 23:37

Camping is so great for kids. It is for their benefit more than parents. Why wouldn't he do something to benefit his children?

Because he works his ass off in the week and doesn’t want to spend his holiday sleeping on the ground in the shitting down rain and walk to a shower block to have a dump, and then pack up the gas stove, soggy ground sheet, roll up sleeping bags and all the other shit camping entails.

Yes, it may benefit the children, but as adults we are allowed some say in how we spend our time.

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:54

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5* AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping. So I’m doing it for their benefit, and I just struggle to see why DH can’t also do it for their benefit (and also for helping me and ensuring our safety etc)

OP posts:
Tumblingjungleofchaos · 31/07/2024 23:56

I don't think this is necessarily all about the camping itself.

I think it's highlighted to you that your DH is both selfish and unhelpful, and disinterested in family life.

Turophilic · 31/07/2024 23:57

To paraphrase Meatloaf, I would do anything for love (of my children) but I won’t do that (camp)

I would rather never have another holiday than go camping. I can’t blame your DH, especially as time off is so hard when self employed.

You were unreasonable to expect he would come without discussing it first. Camping is not for everyone.

pizzaHeart · 31/07/2024 23:59

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

This^
And you can have quality family time without going camping.
Yes, I would expect my DH to help with heavy things ( I just wouldn’t be able to deal with them myself) but it’s a separate issue.

Priggishsausagebore · 31/07/2024 23:59

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:54

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5* AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping. So I’m doing it for their benefit, and I just struggle to see why DH can’t also do it for their benefit (and also for helping me and ensuring our safety etc)

Because camping is monumentally shit. It's impossible to sleep, there's no running water, you have to walk to a toilet across a field, you'll be woken at dawn after getting two minutes sleep that was cold and uncomfortable.

It's ok to tell children "no, that's not something I'd enjoy, I would actively hate it so I'm not doing it".

If your kids wanted to bungee jump and you were scared of heights would you do it?

People who like camping don't get people who don't like it but your DH gave it a go and doesn't want to do it again. He's allowed to decide that

Frankly I can't believe you spent 1500 on camping stuff without discussing it properly with him. I'd be furious with you if I was him.

Turophilic · 01/08/2024 00:01

it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping

…And that’s why god invented Brownies and Cubs.
My DD loves to camp. It’s my line in the sand. I outsourced all that shit. And bought the leaders REALLY good thank you gifts each year.