To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

A decision like buying a tent for you all to use should be a joint one. It reads like you talked about it, he gave no opinion whatsoever. Wasn't involved in the purchase, didn't get involved in any of the trips so far (other than to turn up.)

I feel like you pushed ahead with this regardless of his lack of enthusiasm and expected him to go along with it and are now frustrated he doesn't want to.

But I agree camping is great for kids and it's a shame he's the sort of dad who puts his needs/wants above his kids.

I'd still go and have great times with your kids. The payout is the fantastic memories and good relationship you get with your kids. If your dh doesn't want to be a part of that, that's on him I wouldn't waste your energy on him.

Who pays for the luxury long haul holidays?

My exH was like yours but in his case it was watching porn rather than work which stopped him participating in family life. I divorced I was in effect a single parent anyway

Sunk costs fallacy.

In your position, I'd be booting him out, not trying to convince him of the joys of an outdoor life.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. He's not going to change.

He doesn't value you or your family life with the kids.

I totally get this, OP. I think the focus n camping is a mistake because that really isn’t the issue. You seem to be reaching for a reason for this one thing to be a problem. But having a like or dislike of things is fine, not wanting to do a specific thing is okay even if your kids want to do them. Not being coerced into something you don’t want to do because your spouse spent a lot of money without getting your agreement id fine.

The issue is that he’s not doing anything he’s just totally coasting on your coat tails with everything.

You can’t change him. This is who he is. Is it good enough for you? Because it sounds pretty shit.

Because when one person tries to force another into something they find great fun, but the person being forced does not, it is shit.
You've invested all this money and made a rod for your own back - why aren't the kids helping you put the tent up, for example? You are trying to guilt him into enjoying something, or indeed participate gleefulky in, an activity that you (not sure about the kids) that you enjoy, but he doesn't
If he invested a couple of grand in carp fishing equipment and expected you to join him fishing by the side of a cold and windy lake, even if erected the equipment, would you be jumping on here saying 'what fun'? I doubt it
Yabu

Your choices. Either he helps you do it, or you get a person in, or things fall to bitsxand he has to do it. As Ibsaid previously, you have made a rod for your own back her.
Now you seem to be cross about it

So why would camping equipment make sense then?

Now you are guilting him on the safety aspect of choices you have unilaterally made?
If you getceaten by a bear or squirrel, that's on him?

Almost like martyrdom

I love camping and had brilliant times camping with the kids.

But you do seem to have gone into this somewhat unilaterally.

He does sound disengaged: to have been there and sat around while you did all the packing up was out of order.

Is his job physical? I see a lot of men on campsites being hugely active and practical, hefting stuff about, constructing complicated tarp arrangements and rigging up cooking stuff (tripods etc). But I can imagine for some with physical jobs the sheer hard work of camping is not a holiday.

Big air tents are hugely bulky and heavy, and personally I have tents that I can manage solo.

If you spend all your DH’s holiday time away camping with the kids will he get any quality / holiday time with them? ATM I would be trying to encourage his family time in ways that he feels more comfortable with.

Because that is good for kids too.

But do keep taking them camping!

Your idea you’ve bought and sorted everything he clearly has no interest

then you are trying to guilt trip using the kids and your safe as trump cards

I’m with him

people are only agreeing with you as you are the OP not particularly because your right

if it was the other way round and he was trying to force you to go camping he’d be slated on here

I can't believe you risked your health after major surgery to prove a point.

If the TV stand was that important why not put it together before surgery? You are responsible for your own decisions.

I love camping. I'm capable of camping on my own with ds. I don't want any man worrying about me.

You are in an unhappy marriage. Why are you staying?

On the face of it, I would say that the person who went out and spent over a grand on camping equipment with little to no involvement from the other person and now expects that person to come on regular camping trips is being unreasonable.

But from reading your updates it sounds like you're just desperately trying to get your husband to show an interest in family life and all he wants to focus on is himself and his business

Take your kids camping by yourself and get used to doing more things without him. Take some time to think about whether you want to be married to him in the long term.

Sounds like a nightmare. Why would anyone want to go through that torture when they have a perfectly nice comfortable house to live in. If I go on holiday I expect my life to be nicer not worse.

You say he never takes time off but also that you have to holidays a year.

How many weeks, days equivalent of annual leave does he take? 5- 6 weeks is normal and average.

The camping is a bit of a red herring, the issue is about how much time he actually takes off.

Sit down and plan the year and when he's taking time off, and then discuss what you do with it.

Definitely this. It was apparently your project, and he tried it out.

Why, as you seem to have little regard for him! Were he to spend £1500 on, say, climbing equipment then expect you to accompany him and the children I doubt you would be thrilled.

This isn't really about the camping...
He's lazy and selfish
He doesn't think of anyone but himself
He sees child stuff as your job

And you just want him to prioritise you and the kids for once?

Does that sum it up?

He sounds lazy but I think you're holding him to a higher standard than yourself in one sense, you don't seem to have regard for your safety and the children's safety or you wouldn't have booked what you consider to be a dangerous holiday. You needed to discuss this with him first.

Another day, another AIBU.

OP: Am I being unreasonable?

MN: Well yes, because....

OP proceeds to argue the toss increasingly vehemently.

OP, you are coming across as overbearing and unreasonable on this point, notwithstanding the fact you seem to be married to a lazy lump who disengages from family life. Like many of the other posters I sympathise with the fact you feel lonely and unsupported in this marriage, but this was not the way to deal with it. I suspect at least a little of your anger deep down is because you know you made a cock up buying a big heavy, expensive tent you struggle to deal with on your own.

You undoubtedly have genuine grievances within your marriage, but this isn't the hill I'd die on. Quietly sell the kit and rent a caravan, or even a lovely lodge. Still a different experience for the children, but so much easier for you to do on your own. Then you can pour yourself a glass of wine, and consider at your leisure how you are going to deal with Mr Useless. (I fear all options will need to be considered here). Good luck.

I think a lot of people here don't understand what it is like to be married to a workaholic. This man has no interest in having family time. He doesn't care about spending quality time with his children. He and his business is what comes first, second, and third. If he does decide to take a break from work, it will be to do something that he wants to do because only what he wants matters to him.

You're not wrong to be disappointed about this, OP. Your poor children have a father who doesn't care about building a relationship or having experiences with them. Personally, I don't think I could be/stay with someone like that, but I don't know your financial circumstances so you might not have much choice. In that case, keep doing what you are doing. Give your children these experiences. They will look back one day and remember the fun they had with you, but also that their father was not part of it because he put work and himself before everything else. That's not your fault. You can't make him care about family.

After reading your updates, I agree with this.

My thoughts exactly.

You can’t pull the ‘he has no regard for my safety as a female camper or regard for the kids’

He wasn’t enthusiastic. You went ahead and decided you were doing it anyway, even though you expect him to come every time. He tried it, didn’t like it.

If you felt you couldn’t camp alone and it was putting you in danger, the time to discuss that was before you bought all the equipment. Not after you bought it. Then decide if he won’t come he is putting you in danger.

I wouldn’t go camping. Even for the kids. And if dp bought all the stuff then tried to force me to go I would tell him to piss off.