To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

Camping is shit. I wouldn't be impressed if my dh did what you have.

When he csne with you it's courtesy to help.

I'd rather stay at home than camp.

the normal thing is for him to compromise and come on holidays and just try to enjoy it and get involved for the sake of his family. If you have two luxury holidays a year it's not like you're compromising one type of holiday for another. It's what families do

?? How many holidays a year are needed. If they already have two holidays a year, why is there compromise needed to fit more in? It’s not like he is refusing to go on holidays with his family, just doesn’t want to go on camping holidays.

We used to go on holiday once every three years with our kids. We could afford it but logistically trying to get time off and align our work holidays was a nightmare so that was usually all that we could manage but then it was a long one, usually 6 weeks. The kids went on local outings, activities etc on weekends and in school holidays but only with one of us, never both, as we worked opposite days/shifts to each other to avoid childcare/vacation care. Kids are fine with this, they fine need several family holidays a year as the OP is putting forward to be happy.

Our kids also wanted to do tent camping. Fuck. That. Love my kids but there is a line. However, everything can be solved. We got a tent, sleeping bags etc and pitched it in the backyard for them every now and again. We had a secure yard with high solid fencing that could not be viewed from the road or any side. We locked the gates so no one could access and would leave the back door to house open and back yard light on so they could come in for the toilet or if they wanted for any other reason and was easy to check on them. They liked it and had sleepovers with friends at time out in the tent (we made sure other parents were aware of set up and happy). I’m sure there are some here who would be horrified but we were satisfied it was a safe set up and their friends parents didn’t have an issue with it.

Why did you choose a tent that you would be unable to get to the pitch independently?

If he bought a tandem bike and expected you to go on biking holidays after he spent over a thousand pounds on gear, how keen would you be to take part in the hobby he has decided you have to do several times a year?

It is possible if he'd never camped before that he didn't realise how much he didn't like camping until he went.

I personally grew up camping, I was taken when I was still in a moses basket. I spent my teenage summers going wild camping with friends. I love camping. My partner had never camped before we met. I have taken him a couple of times now, keeping the trips to 1-2 nights, in good weather, with a proper air mattress rather than roll mats, at nice sites with proper loos and showers and to places where we go to the pub or get fish and chips for dinner rather than cooking on a camping stove, etc. He got on ok but I accept it wouldn't be his first choice and I'm certain I'm not going to convert him into the next Bear Grylls and know that if I took away some of those creature comforts it probably would not go down too well.

Can you go with another family so that you have help to heft the tent in and out of the car? Or break down the tent into smaller bags so that you can lift each part of it (separate any metal poles, the inner and outer tent etc?

Otherwise, get a smaller tent that you can manage, go, have fun, take photos, make memories. There's no point forcing him to go and him resenting every moment and ruining the trip. It doesn't sound like he's the FOMO type and so I'm not convinced emotional blackmail is going to work.

This. I’d be fuming if DH did that; though I would have been upfront about the fact that camping is not for me. Things like this need to be a joint decision and then, if you decide to go ahead, you accept that you do it alone and purchase from your own disposable income.

If you already get 2 long haul family holidays a year… isn’t that plenty of family holiday time ( and more than most families get)?

How much annual leave do you get with your job, it must be amazing to have all this time off!

If he runs his own business he’s doing well to take time off for the 2 big holidays. And that’s plenty.

and how is he supposed to demonstrate ‘regard for safety’ unless you are railroading him to join you?

does he work more hours than you? Would he like to sleep in a bed after his long week at work?

It's hard to know whether he really is a workaholic or not.

You say that you have two family holidays a year anyway, so camping a couple of times over the summer would be another two holidays.

I'd say most families don't manage to go away or spend a week together more than three times a year because of work and the need to do childcare. 13 weeks school holidays, five weeks annual leave per parent doesn't leave much wriggle room for family time

There’s also a very big difference between a couple of days camping and 5 nights…at a push I’m sure I could mange a night or two for the sake of someone else. But almost a whole week? No way on earth. Why don’t you try an and compromise by going for a much shorter period of time?

Why does it need to be a joint decision to buy camping equipment with her own money?

Then why on earth did you expect this to be any different? Surely top of your priority list for a tent would have been one you can move and pitch yourself, and picking places you feel safe, because he was never going to come?

DH was desperate to take the kids camping last year. I hated the thought of it - having never done it before. So I found local campsite. Booked a tent which had beds and everything included.

the day came and DH was poorly. Like had the flu poorly. So I took the kids by myself. 2 nights. In a windy chilly tent (weather didn’t help that it was a bit crazy windy).

the kids had the best time. I did not.

He sounds like a selfish, lazy git

Can’t help but agree with this. DH is undoubtedly an arse, for not helping her set up and pack down,
( I’d have made him ) but a proper conversation about camping before buying such an expensive tent first should have happened.
Mind you, I’d rather shove a tent pole up my arse than camp, so I might be a tad biased.

Doesn't sound too much like a great husband
Probably loved camping but feels he can get up to more exciting things while you're away.

This is baffling to me.

You’re not concerned that you’re unsafe, but you’d like him to be?

I’d be beyond annoyed if my husband treated me like I was a precious flower not capable of keeping myself or my children safe.

Was an element of the camping thing hoping that he’d show that he cares about you by refusing to let you go on your own? Is this a play to get him to do something to show that he does love you, and he would prioritise you?

You’ve married a selfish man. Doesn’t share finances, doesn’t put you anywhere near the top of his priorities, doesn’t care about the kids.

Stay with him and live your life feeling resentful, or leave. He won’t change.

OP I have spent 15 years as a lone parent so doing anything with DC on my own never phased me, sounds like you are also very independent.

I think the camping thing is a massive distraction (for the record I absolutely hate it but have also done it for my DD)

The main issue is your DH sounds like a waste of space.

I have never worked out why women put up with these mediocre/useless/men babies.

I can tell you that life is much easier without them in it.

I don't understand why you're concerned about being a woman alone with the kids camping. What is the safety concern? What do you think will happen? This would never occur to me, and we go camping all the time. Campsites are very safe places.

How far should a parent go to please their children though?

Parenting absolutely needs to consider the needs and pleasure of their children- but at what cost?
Do the needs of the parents not matter at all?

It is OK to have boundaries, and they may include time, duration, personal inconvenience etc. A child's welfare and safety are paramount, but when it comes to family activities there needs to be a balance.

I am ok sitting with a bunch of Mums for a couple of hours while my child is at soft play, taking a tent and having a camping holiday is a no.

We need to model authenticity and self respect to children, not to tell them it is ok to do things out of obligation.

We tried different styles of holiday as the children grew, including camping-and even then it was a huge static tent in France with real beds, a tiny fridge and cooker.

The kids enjoyed it, but it was hard work, we could only afford one holiday a year and I was unwilling to do any supermarket shopping, cooking or washing dishes.
So we made sure our family holidays had something for everyone- including places that had a pool with slides, interesting food, some places of local interest for each of us.

I'm with your OH - sorry.

YABU - just because you like camping doesn't mean he has to. He tried it and obviously put on a show of being fairly cheerful about it but deep down he hated it.

Been there, done that. Won't be doing it again.

I’m not going to try and persuade you, but it really doesn’t have to be like that!
we are strict fair-weather campers, through trial and error we have really comfy, off the ground beds and lots of lights and only camp with friends.

there is nothin like that first beer sitting down, having a blether with the tent up and the children shaking off routine and becoming feral x

Is it about the camping or the rest of the things you seem to be drip feeding in? The camping is fine, you did it all on your own without really consulting him and can’t expect him to therefore want to go.

What's the point in being married to someone who doesn't give two shits about you?

This isn't about the camping.

Why did you do it? that's nuts even if it's in the way wouldn't be a good enough reason to do it with major surgery. Maybe he's a lazy arse because you always step in?
I'd be annoyed about you buying such a big expensive tent most people start smaller until the know it's for them.

I think the fact he was not overly enthusiastic to begin with was the clue that he would not want to do it and probably only went along the first time so that he could say he'd given it a go. I know my DH can be a bit like this, he'll not necessarily say no, but he'll be very non committing to the point it gets dropped. It's just the way he is, I know the signs.