To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

My ex was like this. I LOVE camping, bought and prepped everything ready to be loaded into the car, could put and load all the kit together alone as often took kids away.
He used to bjtch and moan about it u til it was all set up, wine in Hand and then he'd post all
Over social media "this is the life"!
Don't go with him, you'll be fine get him to load car your end and at the site there are always people to help unload if you ask I've found.

I did a lot of camping when young. Always hated it; bugs, noises in the night etc. My DC wants to go camping and I said fine, off you go when you are old enough to do it with friends. I don't think I'm a bad mother for not taking him camping which the OP seems to imply het husband is. But if I did go I would not sit around letting my DH do all the works so the husband does sound like an arse..

Yes he’s an ass for not helping pack away. But I don’t blame him not wanting to go again. I HATE camping. I think ur perfectly safe camping alone and I don’t think my other half wud worry either. I’ve taken my children to air bnbs without him

I think a lot of this comes down to a mum’s relationship with DC as opposed to a dad’s. Of course it’s not true of everyone but generally speaking my experience is that mums tend to be ok with things they wouldn’t choose to do if it’s something the DC are keen on. This is less true of dads who prefer to set the agenda - hopefully introducing the DC to new experiences . I am now finding that this is also true in their relationship with grandchildren!

But u can go camping. Just go without him u wil be fine. Campsites are full of all kinds of families

This.
You wanted it- you went and bought it... now you can go camping with the kids.
Imagine if it were the other way around...

Based on her account, she mentioned it to him. Whatever was said, it’s clear he said little in the ‘conversation’, so it certainly wasn’t a jointly decided purchase.

Being in a relationship with another human should mean twice the joy and fun in the good times and half the worry in the bad times. You don't have that. I didn't have that in my first marriage. I was so invested in giving my children a lovely time that I lost sight of the misery that it really was. Once he left it was hard financially but easier in lots of other ways. I have been with my second husband for 24 years. I absolutely adore him. There is a naff Winnie the Pooh quote that pops up periodically online " Spending time with you is my favourite thing so today is my new favourite day". Your children are young. Mine were 2 and 3 when their father left. I've had a whole other life of support and love and teamwork with someone else. Don't waste the prime of your life in misery. Your children will be well aware of the tension.

I love camping, but my DP doesn’t. I bought a cheap, lightweight tent that I can easily put up myself so I can take the kids camping - sometimes DP comes, sometimes not. I think you were unreasonable to get a huge, expensive tent before you were sure the whole family would enjoy camping - that’s the issue. Could you try to sell it on and get something you could manage by yourself with the kids?

If he doesn’t want to go camping then ask him what else he would like to do to spend quality time with his kids. It’s a bit rubbish to be refusing to join in with your attempts to do something special with the children if he’s not prepared to come up with an alternative. A lot of men do this and what they are really saying is spending time with their kids is not their thing. Yes it’s hard work and maybe it’s not your first choice of holiday either but it will be worth it. He will miss out on the laughs and the good times together if he doesn’t go.

It is isn't necessarily alone or with DP.

As I am a teacher, I often take my kids camping with mates not my partner. It is often more fun as my DP is a stress head in the summer and it is my chance to be a fun parent. Everybody wins they get child free time, a feeling if missing out and I get to have an adventure.

His loss, OP. Just make sure he realises it!

I always thought of myself as a non camper but my husband wanted to do it with the children, he bought the stuff and he also puts up the tent/packs car etc. Our DC love it and whilst it’s not totally my thing I do it as it is nice for family time. My husband did say I only had to go once and if I really hated it, he would take them alone. I’m not sure why your husband can’t just get on board for a couple nights, 5 might be a bit much mind.

Christ, all things considered…you sound bloody hard work

and if I was male, I would have regard for the safety of the female partner and children.

What exactly do you think is going to happen to you whilst on a commercial family campsite, that wouldn't happen when out and about in their home town ? @Purpleskiesabove

I love nothing more than a 5 AI, but it’s the DC who are desperate to go camping*

So let them go with Scouts (or guides / BB / GB / Cadets / Youth Groups of another ilk).

I don't see how people are saying he withdraws from family life with no evidence of that.

Nor do I understand the OP moaning about him never wanting to take time off work, whilst also admitting that they go on two "luxury, long haul holidays" per year. Add in a few days off over Christmas, and that would take up all the Annual Leave of most people that are employed, so not sure why she thinks someone who is self employed should be taking more leave than that.
Not sure how they would pay for 2 such expensive holidays (plus £1500 on a luxury tent) if her dh wasn't committed to his work.

I agree, NewName, I also understand why the op's husbands says camping is not his thing; you either like camping or you don't. I have never been camping and know I would not like being without indoor plumbing, never mind the putting up and taking down of the tent. My husband used to like it but never tried to coerce me. My son liked it too, went with friends a couple of times when young, doesn't now.

In marriage you have to compromise on some things and this is hardly a deal breaker.

You made a big purchase and decision about what your family should do together without checking if it was something you all wanted. You’re being unreasonable. If this was the other way round everyone would be laying into your husband for making decisions for you!

First, I'm sorry that your husband isn't into camping. It's one of those things like marmite, you either like it or you don't. I'm lucky. We both like camping!
Keep taking your children and making memories with them. Camping resets the soul and slows everything down, I find.
What I really want to know, is what sort of tent you got that it costs £1500? Or I maybe misread and it was that for everything? Anyway, what sort of tent is it? I love our air beam, it's so easy to put up compared with our last one that had the poles.

If you’d read my replies, I’d explained that the 2 long haul’s are 1 week long each as he refuses to be away from work for longer than that. So that’s 2 weeks a year annual leave plus a few days at Christmas. So a lot less than the average employee?

you’d also have read that I pay for most of these oversea’s holidays; and I paid for the tent and camping equipment with my own disposable income.

therefore dh’s work has no/very little impact on what you’ve mentioned. To me, that changes things.

Thank you, it was for the tent and all of the necessary equipment.

Sounds like you’re on totally different pages re your whole marriage to be honest. It doesn’t sound like a partnership. So the camping issue seems like a bit of a red herring. I’d be far more concerned about all the separate finances, not taking much time off work, you paying for the luxury holidays than this minor camping thing…

Do your dc even want to camp or are you forcing them to because you have wasted a tonne of money and want to prove you are right.

From reading your replies I’m worried you’re in an abuse relationship and this might be a cry for help.
I just want to say It’s more then okay to feel as you do, you can see all the wrongs in the relationship nobody else can and know you and your DC deserve a lot better then how you are currently treated.
If you want to leave but feel trapped know you can do this, pack and bag and leave, you sound like an amazing person and incredible mother YOU WILL BE OKAY!
If you need urgent help go to the council, police station or call a DV charity they will listen and help you. Please just be open and honest with them.

If way off the mark I’m sorry best advice I can give is create happy memories with DC they won’t ever forget everything you done for them.

I do not recognise how you live as a marriage. In my marriage, we agree to do things together, compromise to find something we will both enjoy, all money is joint money, we like each others' company and spending time together.

You lost me at "I bought a tent for our family holidays with my money". How is that not a joint decision and a joint purchase?