To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

This is exactly it. There is no compromise with him if it’s something that’s not his cup of tea. Whereas I will always compromise, and I’ll do things that aren’t to my taste but that I know he’d appreciate etc. But he can’t seem to do that for DC and I. I think this is probably why it’s bothered me like it has.

@Purpleskiesabove I think you need to discuss this with him openly. Sorry if I've missed a post that says you have already. I just dont understand the replies here where people think a partner should never compromise on something for the sake of the rest of the family. If you're compromising a lot then he's clearly used to getting his own way and sulks when he can't do exactly what he wants. Jesus we would have been divorced years ago if this was the case but our willingness to try out what the other likes especially if it's something that will benefit the kids always comes first. This year we went on one luxury holiday, one camping, and one to visit DHs parents (which is a yearly thing and yes drives me mad being with them sometimes, but it's important to him and DC) so I suck it up and want to be a part of that experience. I don't say 'no you guys go alone without me'. DC are only young for a short time and I want to experience it all with them while they enjoy being with us parents!

This won’t be a weekly occurrence either. DC have sporting commitments on weekends. It’s just something we’d like to do a few times across the year during school holidays. I didn’t think a few nights, a few times a year was too much to ask.

I agree.

Op, your husband tried to enjoy himself when you tried it out but, having done it, he now doesn't want to do it again.

Camping is not for everyone. There are other ways of having a family break that do not involve so much work and that do include indoor plumbing.

I'd hate camping. Once would be enough for me, never again.

Sell your equipment, write off any losses and buy yourself a break in an air b'n'b or a Haven holiday. Both are basic but no hassle and generally enjoyed by families.

I camped with my DC.

ExH didn't come as he hated it.

I wouldn't expect a loving man to have concern for his wife's safety on a paid for campsite, no. Nor would I expect him to be worried if she went shopping (lots of other people there), went to a hotel on her own (lots of people have access to the room via key cards) etc.

Even if he were the kind of man to be concerned, camping on a paid for campsite is a low risk activity.

You said in you OP he went with you - he tried it. What more do you want? You're saying that if he went ONE more time you'd be fine with it and not worried about the bears or whatever goes after solo mothers? I wouldn't want my DH to do shit he hated - why do you want him to do that?

This is ALL on you - not him. You wanted it built RIGHT after surgery and martyred yourself for it. If your TV was on the floor for ages, it could have stayed there for longer until you weren't "just out of major surgery".

Your husband might indeed be a lazy asshole, but you haven't actually proven that with any of your creeping anecdotes in this thread.

I suppose it’s because it all goes a lot deeper than surface value. He never makes any true effort to do anything that’s important to myself or DC. Yet I’ve basically compromised and sacrificed huge, huge amounts for him and for him to be able to run his business the way that he does. The lack of compromise just makes me feel unvalued on top of being low on the priority list.

Okay no worries.

It sounds like the crux of the issue is that you're someone who puts other people before you, while your DH just puts himself first every time.

Have I got that right?

100%

Don't you share finances? I don't think that as a man he should be worried for your safety as a lone female. You'd be alright. It's more about the fact he doesn't do anything. You need to stop martyring yourself and maybe divorce him if he seems to have checked out.

Think you have a husband problem for sure.But I don’t understand why you bought a tent weighing 40kg.! You can get a huge tent that weighs way less.Do some research,sell the heavy tent and get a lighter one.

Get a smaller tent plus gazebo

As a child, I went camping. It made me resolve never ever to do it again. If I had a choice between camping or having no holiday, I’d have no holiday. every single time. Nothing would make me want to camp - well, unless someone was going to pay me a lot of money to do it.

Your dh does sound like he puts himself first. It’s difficult to see where his selfishness ends and where his reluctance to camp begins.

I can see why your dh would refuse to come camping.

You probably should have explicitly asked him whether he would be willing to do many camping holidays, rather than relying on him not having said he wouldn’t cone when you were talking about a tent.

i don’t agree that camping is necessarily beneficial to all kids. I bloody despised it!

No, he’s always wanted to keep finances separate…

I don’t think the problem is camping, I think the problem is your DH is lazy and selfish and expects you to do all the work, in every situation.

From a practical point of view phone the campsite a few days in advance and ask if there’s a local teenager who knows what they’re doing who’d like £20 to help you put up the tent. It’s difficult enough on your own but it’s ten times worse if it’s raining.

Go camping with friends instead?

I used to camp but can't anymore due to my hips, but you can't railroad someone into it...

My DC enjoy it so DH has to unfortunately take one DC on his own at a time. I am just not fit. Too ancient and decrepit.

Only if he is chauvinistic, which is unfortunately more normal than it should be, but it’s not good.

I dislike camping and would be totally pissed off if my dh tried to railroad me into going ..
Your dh went once , really didn’t like it and doesn’t want to go again.
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Yep, camping not for me either. The only time I willingly did it was a) when I was teenager and b) because I was at a festival to watch artists/bands I loved.
I never went camping as a child, my parents weren't into it. We camped out in the garden once or twice and that was more than enough for me.

He's too selfish and self-absorbed to make an effort for you and the children. He wants to keep finances separate, too? 😬.

You say you've been over his habit of putting family last before and nothing changed... I don't think I'd be satisfied with that. I might consider whether he's a worthy life partner, though I appreciate that it's more complicated when you have children at home.

Ahhhh I'm in a similar situation here! Hubby says "hmmm thinking of getting an air tent". I didn't say no, I didn't really have an opinion as I didn't really think he'd just go for it. I probably said something like "are you?". Next thing I know an 8 bed air tent turned up. It was 60kg. We are a family of 5. It didn't fit in the car. We have a young baby. Not the most practical purchase right now. We can afford it though (like you, we also go on overseas holidays).

I'm not a brilliant camper, but can see the family aspect. To his credit, he popped it up in the garden, solo, to show how easy it is. Yes, I did offer to help!

Soooo what I'm saying here is... the issue isn't your camping trip. It's your relationship. You need to talk. You need to know he'll prioritise you over his work. Don't make the conversation anything to do with the tent or safety of a woman camping alone, that will just confuse him as it has many people on this thread. You need him to support you, have opinions and step up to help in family life. If he doesn't, you'll feel more and more animosity until it ruins your relationship.

Did he agree to camping before you bought the tent? While I can appreciate your "won't someone please think of the children" approach, if he didn't agree he wanted to take camping vacations, I don't think it's fair to judge him for not wanting to now.

My DH and DS love to rock climb. That involves camping. They always invite me to go and "watch" (and camp), but I politely (or not) decline.

I camped as a child and teen. Many times the water pumped was rusty and outhouses. No showers, which as a teen girl was not my idea of life/living.

As I tell my DH and DS, these days, my idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service. (Half kidding)

I recently saw the one "rock" they climbed on a TV commercial for a state. Now I am really, really glad I didn't go. 😱😲😳