To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

This is all about you and about what you want for you and the DC.

He tried it, he wasn't enthralled with it.

It was your choice, your purchase so if I were you I'd just get on with it and stop forcing him to enjoy something he doesn't particularly enjoy.

You can't make these decisions on your own, pay out for your choice of purchase on your own and then pull the 'petite little woman with uncaring husband' card.

You bought it, so own your decision.

Thank you. It’s genuinely lovely to read that your efforts are appreciated and valued; unfortunately it’s quite the opposite for me. Like you say, hence why I feel so disappointed with the situation I think.

Camping is my worst nightmare, I would hate this if I was your DH.

You should have come to an agreement on the kind of holidays you, your DH and your DC would all enjoy together before spending that sort of money.

Your DH is an arse for all that sitting round doing nothing while you build stuff, my EX was the same. When we spilt I insisted on taking all my power tools as not only had I bought them all, he'd have no clue what to do with them!

In my OP, I stated that DH actually said he was pleasantly surprised by the “test trip” and had enjoyed it.

And it absolutely is about what I want for myself and the DC yes; and my family as a whole. Because if you see the updates, you’ll see how we are never a priority…and quite frankly I’ve had enough of never prioritising what myself and the DC want because he always says no because of work. (Choice not necessity)

Ive not forced him. I asked if he’d like to go to X, he said no he doesn’t want to go camping on this trip or future trips, I said not a problem, me and DC will go anyway.

I’ve posted about how the situation has made me feel. Not once have I forced him to go or had any conversation persuading him to.

YOUR thoughts exactly @Purpleskiesabove …but not his. I’m with your dh, I hate camping and I would be quite pissed with you for spending all
of that money and then trying to guilt me into it because you think it benefits the kids. I would rather stay in a b&b for two nights than camp for 4/5.

I think you should sell the tent, yes you will make a loss on it but you are clearly concerned for your safety as a ' lone female ' - you have mentioned your safety at least 4 times in this thread.

As for assembling a TV unit on your discharge from hospital - why ! you do know there are tradesmen / odd job men / even odd job women etc. that will do this stuff for you.

If you think you are never a priority @Purpleskiesabove then that’s a whole other argument to be fair…and I get that because that’s 80% of the reason I separated. But there is a compromise to be had surely, he was “pleasantly surprised” by the test camping but it obviously didn’t woo him enough. I would have done the test camp prior to buying the gear, I would have borrowed it from various sources etc before committing or I would have picked a type of holiday that you ALL like. But honestly…camping sucks! It’s not a holiday at all!

I think paying for the equipment should have been discussed and sounds like he's protesting a bit. However, there is compromise in a marriage and both DH and I have been on holidays where one is more suited to me or him but we ultimately make the most of both for the sake of the kids. My DH is a builder and very hands on and I appreciate all men are different but I just couldn't be with someone who doesn't do any DIY, help out with those more physical tasks or at least make an effort to. Call me old fashioned but it's what I expect, it's not a favour to me. It's clearly important to you and if I was in your situation my DH would probably grumble but when we got there he would definitely help out and get involved if he knew it meant a lot to me. He loves fishing and adventure type holidays where we would have to cook meals, clean up self catering etc and I love hotels, beaches and not having to wash up one cup! lol! However, I always make the most of it and totally chip in, purely because I know it's good for us a family to experience all types of getaways.

That is a different story OP.

There are two different things going on:

1. That he is a lazy arse happy to dump the DIY to you even at your own health expense. I find this is the main trigger here.
2. That you decided to buy everything camping related in passing and expected him to join you. I hate camping and it would be a big no no for me. You can’t make someone go camping if they don’t like it. I also have children and I haven’t psychologically damaged because I don’t take them camping. I’d rather go to the beach

As you know your DH leaves it up to you and you would be pitching and striking the tent by yourself why on earth didn't you buy a lighter one? And I agree with a PP the amount of times you have mentioned your safety makes me think it is a worry for you

I’m not concerned for my own safety at all. I’m saying that as a man, should HE not be thinking about his DP’s safety? I’ll happily go alone.

Why should I pay someone to do a task that I can do myself? Just because DH can’t be arsed, doesn’t mean I should be out of pocket.

You think your DH shouldn’t trust you to look after yourself?

Edited as misread!

Because I knew that I’d be taking the DC on my own 50% of the time (or now 100% as it seems!) so I went for the air beam style of tent so it’s easier for me to put up on my own. Unfortunately they are heavier, but still the better option for me I felt.

as previously said, I’m not worried for my safety at all - I’ll happily go alone. It’s the fact that HE doesn’t appear to think about my safety that bothers me - I’d expect a loving man to have concerns about his partner sleeping outdoors in an unlocked tent in a middle of a field with his DC?!

@Purpleskiesabove he’s not worried because there’s nothing to be worried about!! It’s not like you’re going wild camping in a dangerous bear ridden forest. You said yourself you’re going to a campsite with electrics, showers etc. surrounded by other families who enjoy camping. It’s hardly a dangerous situation

He knows that I can more than look after myself. I think it probably concerns him to an extent actually how independent I am. But what I’m asking is, surely the “normal” thing would be for him to have some concern? No?

You never know! 😉

Yes the normal thing is for him to be concerned, the normal thing is for him to compromise and come on holidays and just try to enjoy it and get involved for the sake of his family. If you have two luxury holidays a year it's not like you're compromising one type of holiday for another. It's what families do. We went to Disneyland last year and DH really wasn't into it but never showed it and knew it was something the kids would remember forever and mean a lot to them and us as a family. I completely agree with you on this one. He can't just expect luxury holidays because he enjoys it and not be prepared to get involved in ones that aren't particular to his taste. He's not a bachelor.

I. Agree. Hes a lazy parent and
partner. He is like a child, i would stop doing anything at all for him. No cooking for him. No cooking for him no doing his laundry, no helping him at all. When he asks why tell him when he starts participating in family
life and acts like an equal partner you will start treating him as family

This is exactly it. There is no compromise with him if it’s something that’s not his cup of tea. Whereas I will always compromise, and I’ll do things that aren’t to my taste but that I know he’d appreciate etc. But he can’t seem to do that for DC and I. I think this is probably why it’s bothered me like it has.

You knew he doesn't like camping. From what you have said, you spent £1500 on something he doesn't want without even discussing it me. And now you want help with it and get pissy when he's not that bothered.

Frankly, if my H did what you did, I'd be profoundly unimpressed.

I'm sure you're not camping out in the middle of wilderness - so you'll be fine without a big strong man. Turns out solo women, single mothers, and others camp just fine.

Also why not be happy that he tried something he doesn't like than finding something to be mad about. This will be something that you and kiddos can share together, and he'll have his own thing with them.

My husband quickly learned that I hate camping. I did it a few times to show him I love him and now I send him off with a smile on my face.

Lol - this is on you. Did that TV Unit HAVE to be built that day?

That’s the difference, you did it a few times because you knew it was important to him..

more than happy to go by myself with the kids, just disappointed with his lack of effort.

There is a big difference in compromise going to Disney land and camping though. And presumably Disney land isn't going to be a regular weekend occurrence unlike camping.

lol it did. My tv had been on the floor for too long and I was excited that it had arrived! It however would still be sat there now, all these years later if I had t have done it. Tbf it’s the fact that he happily sat watching me build it and didn’t once try to help, knowing what I’d been through. It’s things like that that speak volumes to me.