To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

This thread isn't about camping and tents

That's just the tip of the iceberg

I could have written this post 3 years ago. I bought a big family tent and all the gear, hoping my husband would come along and love it as much as I did. He came once and spent most of the trip sitting in the car with a face like a smacked arse. Camping isn’t his thing. He is an introvert and he likes his home comforts. Campsites are loud and full of people, and you have to share facilities with strangers. Was I disappointed? Yes, of course! However, I knew I wasn’t marrying Bear Grylls on my wedding day. We already had very big differences in the way we chose to have fun and relax. It has been an ongoing issue in our marriage. But marriage is about compromise. And, no, I don’t think that means doing things you hate just to make your spouse happy. I think it means accepting that your partner hates it and not asking or expecting them to do it just to please you. I go camping 3-4 times a year with the kids and love it. We go with different groups - cousins, friends, grandparents and have a blast. We also have nice family holidays together in cottages and cabins (neither of us are that interested in going abroad yet). He works a lot and focuses on that. I work fewer hours but do lots with the kids. I also do all of the DIY and am generally on the go. Very similar to your situation. What do you do together that you do enjoy? Focus on those things. Accept that you don’t feel the same about this topic. Try and think of something your partner loves that you hate. Would you do it? Just for the kids? Really? Why? Life is short and it’s pointless doing things that make you miserable, especially if they’re avoidable! Accentuate the positives. Everyone will be happier.

I love camping so does my family. But it’s an acquired taste. if it’s not for him then that’s how it is. You maybe should have talked about/ cheap experimented first.

also women do stuff alone with their kids all the time. You’ll be fine.

Why should he be concerned about your safety if you’re not?? That’s weird

I’ve not read all the comments but I have read yours. It sounds like a difficult relationship for you and a sad situation. Are you lonely? Sometimes it’s even more lonely being a single mother in a relationship than actually being on your own. it sounds like you do most of the relationship and family work and want to give the kids a fun childhood with little input from your DH.
for the record I love camping, the kids love it and my husband will embrace it for us. It’s hard work and a lot of equipment, but worth it! You can also make friends when you are there.
For the short term or if you want to stay largely as you are, then I guess it’s just an acceptance that he is not going to be very involved in family life, and you carry on with your kids, doing the things you want to do with them and having those weekends away or days out. Maybe camp with friends? Get a camping buggy thing to help carry the stuff? Take photos of you and the kids having fun together so you can make albums for them. But have a rethink about finances, your husband should be contributing to things for the kids even if he doesn’t go on them. Outsource diy projects and other chores that you don’t have time / energy to do from the family budget if he won’t do his share.
For the longer term, do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn’t support you, want to join in or help you? Is that a fulfilling relationship or one you want to model for your kids? Maybe have a think about the sort of relationship you want and if it is not this, then work out how you can leave and decide the assets. He would have to pay child support or have the kids and you would have some time off when they were with him - it might also force him to step up with them.

I hate the very idea of camping and my first thought was I don't blame him.....and then I read all of your responses OP.

His lack of consideration over the tent & camping is really just the most recent of a long list of issues. It doesn't sound like it's the straw that broke the camel's back for you; but it does sound like it's getting close.

My concern is that he is stashing away money, he doesn't see you as a team, you don't have joint finances, & eventually one of you will decide to end this marriage & he will do as much as he can to protect what he sees as 'his' business & 'his' money.

She did discuss it.

@Purpleskiesabove do you children genuinely enjoy it or just trying to please you?

My thoughts exactly!!

He doesn't have to like camping. Not everyone does. Why on Earth didn't you discuss it first?!

I agree with this.

Also, what @EddieVedderSingsToMe said in her post.

What do you do together that you do enjoy?

I think you missed the bit that her and her dh don’t do anything together that they enjoy without her putting hide amount of effort into it, researching, organising and paying for it.

Try and think of something your partner loves that you hate. Would you do it? Just for the kids? Really? Why? Life is short and it’s pointless doing things that make you miserable

You do things for your children because they like to do things that you don’t necessarily enjoy because you are the parent and want to make them happy. Equally you do things for your husband /partner that you don’t necessarily enjoy because you love them and want to see them happy
Your partner and your children aren’t clones of you and whilst your partner can make decisions and decide to go to do something’s they enjoy, children can’t do the same without parents accompanying them, paying for it and organising it

I pity your children who are not able to do anything unless you enjoy it.

I have lived the life of the child in this situation and don’t expect my mother understood that as an adult, I used her attitude against her.
I didn’t want to spend time with her so I don’t

And you would probably say that when the subject is brought up, not wait till after it’s bought and after you went camping and appeared to enjoy it. He didn’t. He let her go ahead and even went with the first time.
I hate camping too. Did a lot as a child with my parents and camped with my kids abroad, but more often at home, did not go with, and let oh take them himself. I said, I’ll go, but I want a hotel, even if you lot camp.

I pity your children who are not able to do anything unless you enjoy it.

It's about balance though.
It's also about our own authenticity and boundaries. While I agree in principle that we do things to make our children happy that is not at all costs.

I will absolutely take my children to the cinema to see a children's film, take them to soft play, or a children's farm. I won't sacrifice my only annual holiday to live in a tent for a week. A family holiday should have something for everyone, not just the children- we are not child care robots who have to sacrifice all needs and wants for our childen.
I may compromise and go camping for the odd weekend, if my OH wants to go for longer then he is welcome to take them. I don't cook on holiday. As soon as the children were old enough to understand we involved them in holiday choices, and talked about what everyone would like-including Mummy and Daddy, everyones likes would be considered.

Children are sensitive souls and we need to show them that personal needs matter- ours and theirs.
I grew up with a martyr mother, and it was not functional.

WEll said @speakout

She did. He never said he didn’t want to, didn’t like camping, would not go. He even went once and seemed to enjoy it. Then said he would go no more

Or, more likely, tried it - to try to do what so many posters on this thread are criticising him for not doing; put on a positive face whilst there, knowing the dc (well everyone) would enjoy it more if he did so; but really didn't enjoy it, so is making a perfectly reasoned choice to say "you wanted to do it, so I tried it, but, having tried it, I didn't enjoy it so won't be going again.

I think you’re spot on with this. Martyr parents are annoying and the kids don’t respect them more for bending over to accommodate their every desire either. If the kids wanted to camp, they can do it through guides/brownies/scouts or even just in the back garden with their friends. Spending £1500 on equipment is nuts for something you don’t even know if they’ll like yet, Dad tried it and didn’t like it, the kids get two proper holidays a year anyway - this whole ‘issue’ is just bizarre and handled badly by all

I think there are bigger issues here than camping. He sounds like a complete useless man child and you enable him to be that way. He treats you like a doormat and you allow it. There is something seriously wrong in your relationship. If you are so 'independent ' do something about it. Get him gone.