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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

190 replies

Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 22:30

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

OP posts:
RamonaRamirez · 31/07/2024 22:32

Yes he could

but the problem is not the ring door bell?

if a person wants to drink you cannot stop them

any idea you have of controlling his drinking is an illusion

speaking from experience…

HeadsAlwaysSpinnig · 31/07/2024 22:35

If the bell is connected to wifi, it will disable the camera/notifications if he is turning it off before he goes out and back on again when he gets back

PuttingDownRoots · 31/07/2024 22:35

I know you are worried about him...

But if a friend told you their partner was tracking their movements through multiple methods (phone tracking, ring doorbell etv)... would you find that worrying behaviour?

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 22:37

You track him when he leaves the house and then investigate his movements ?!!

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 31/07/2024 22:39

I turn mine off when I order Maccies in secret

MounjaroUser · 31/07/2024 22:40

PuttingDownRoots · 31/07/2024 22:35

I know you are worried about him...

But if a friend told you their partner was tracking their movements through multiple methods (phone tracking, ring doorbell etv)... would you find that worrying behaviour?

Come on, she's not doing this for the fun of it, is she?

Tel12 · 31/07/2024 22:44

Our WiFi is poor and the doorbell doesn't always alert. Just saying.

DoreenonTill8 · 31/07/2024 22:44

MounjaroUser · 31/07/2024 22:40

Come on, she's not doing this for the fun of it, is she?

Show quote history

Isn't that what anyone tracking their partner would say? 'I'm doing it for you because I'm worried..'

WigglyVonWaggly · 31/07/2024 22:46

Mine often misses things when the WiFi connection drops. It’s shite. Nobody is turning it off.

Greytulips · 31/07/2024 22:46

If you have to track him, there’s a problem! Deal with the real issue and not the door bell.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/07/2024 22:56

Why do you think he has a drink problem?

Doesn't the tracker give his location?

Where do you think he hides the empty bottles?

Original poster
Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 22:57

For the love of god, why do some people on here always have to twist posts to make out the OP is some kind of nut job?

If you need the back story - I’ve never had any interest in the doorbell or knowing where or what he does at any given moment. But I had to confront him some months back about his drinking. He promised to cut back and do something about it. I don’t believe he has. Sometimes I come home after being out all day and I can tell he’s been drinking when as far as I’m aware, there’s been no booze in the house. So I think he’s going out and buying it when I’m not here and getting rid of the evidence before I’m home.

i actually think he’s drinking quite a hefty amount, daily. I also think he’s spending quite a lot of money on it - money we don’t have.

So, yes, I think I am justified in trying to find evidence to confront him with. Please stop making me out to be some kind of controlling psycho.

Thank you to those who’ve been helpful. He set the Ring up so does he have overall “control” of it or can I tell from my app when it’s been turned off and on?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/07/2024 23:00

He can turn it on and off and he can also edit the history and remove videos. I did this once when I was having a huge computer chair delivered for my DH birthday just in case he happened to look!

TwistedSisters · 31/07/2024 23:03

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Yes , he can turn it on and off and remove videos. I don't think you can recover deleted videos. You should be able to tell if the app is currently on or off but I don't think you can the history of it being turned on/off if that makes sense.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 31/07/2024 23:09

I think if he’s a functioning alcoholic and is hiding it then you are going to have difficulty finding evidence because he will be good at disguising it and getting rid of the bottles etc.

It all sounds super stressful and not good for your well-being to feel the need to track him and check the doorbell etc.

I’m not sure any of it will achieve the outcome you want. I would be upfront and say here’s what I think and see what his response is, better than tying yourself up in knots wondering.

Healthyalltheway · 31/07/2024 23:15

I am sorry you are going through this. Another poster who will add that if he has a drinking problem he will find ways to drink secretly, you can never get on top that off that need, or monitor how much he drinks. Talking from family member experience, he bought supplies which would be hidden in random places in inside the house and even outside the property, decanting and putting into innocent looking bottles - the list goes on and on, you can never control this or even understand what he may have drunk that day. Unless he wants to control it, it won't happen and even if he does, it is not an easy battle. Wishing you all the best. I suggest talking to some groups set up for family members of alcoholics for support for yourself and to understand what it all means for you.

BelindaOkra · 31/07/2024 23:17

Anyone being arsey about the doorbell hasn’t lived with an alcoholic. Yes you can’t control it and you have to detach for your own sanity but it is usual and normal to try and work out what is going on if videos look like they are being deleted.

Sadly OP It sounds like he may be hiding the evidence. Time for a direct talk.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/07/2024 23:18

You need to get some support OP, maybe Al-anon which is for family & friends of alcoholics. If he is an alcoholic you need to protect yourself not get drawn deeper into trying to manage or control his behaviour. You can't do that, only he can. People supporting you in your actions aren't actually helping you because this is a path at the end of which lies the destruction of your mental health. This isn't safe for you to do, you will only harm yourself and you won't save him. Tracking someone like this isn't ok, and its not justifiable because you think he's secretly drinking and it's not going to save him or your relationship, it will just fuck things up even more.

To the PPs who think it's ok, think of the harm you're doing to women saying this on a public forum where it can read and used to justify behaviour by abusers, who are mostly men.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/07/2024 23:24

He will deny deny deny, he is an addict.

He will spend whatever money he has on booze, he is an addict.

You have a choice. Either follow through on what sounds like a previous ultimatum and leave, or stay and accept life with an alky.

Does he work? Does he contribute in any way? What does he bring that makes him being an alcoholic worth putting up with?

Original poster
Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 23:34

Thanks for the supporting posts.

Please believe me when I say I am not planning on continuing to “monitor” him - and I’m definitely not trying to “control” him - how on earth could I do that anyway? And the family tracker - we use it for our kids but as we can also both see each other on it, we use it to see how far away the other person is from home so for example, we know when to start dinner. It just so happens I’ve checked on my DD’s location a couple of times and noticed that DH has been out the house when I haven’t expected him to be - often near a local parade of shops with lots of off licences. And then I’ve come home and can see in his eyes he’s been drinking. It’s that kind of thing that has caused me to delve a bit deeper. I’ve never in my life felt any need to know where he goes, what he does, who he’s with - I’ve always been so laid back about things like that. But as others have said, when you live with someone like this, it turns you into a super suspicious detective.

What I’m actually planning is to say we talked about this, you promised to do something about your drinking and I don’t believe you have due to x,y,z so now I have to tell you that I’m planning on leaving because I can’t live like this any longer.

Surely PPs can understand that before I have that conversation, I just want to be as sure as I can be that he is doing the things I suspect?

OP posts:
Nullia · 31/07/2024 23:34

If I or my partner switch off our ring door bell, we both get a notification on our phone that it has been deactivated. However, technically he could switch off the WiFi or remove the battery. But also worth mentioning that our ring bell sometimes misses things.

Original poster
Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 23:37

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/07/2024 23:24

He will deny deny deny, he is an addict.

He will spend whatever money he has on booze, he is an addict.

You have a choice. Either follow through on what sounds like a previous ultimatum and leave, or stay and accept life with an alky.

Does he work? Does he contribute in any way? What does he bring that makes him being an alcoholic worth putting up with?

Yes, I know you’re right.
He has a really good job which I’m amazed he’s holding down - I guess he’s a “functioning alcoholic’.

Why have I put up with it so far? Fear of how a break-up would affect our children, guilt at abandoning him when he clearly has a problem, worry about how I’d cope financially if we split…

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/07/2024 23:38

Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 23:34

Thanks for the supporting posts.

Please believe me when I say I am not planning on continuing to “monitor” him - and I’m definitely not trying to “control” him - how on earth could I do that anyway? And the family tracker - we use it for our kids but as we can also both see each other on it, we use it to see how far away the other person is from home so for example, we know when to start dinner. It just so happens I’ve checked on my DD’s location a couple of times and noticed that DH has been out the house when I haven’t expected him to be - often near a local parade of shops with lots of off licences. And then I’ve come home and can see in his eyes he’s been drinking. It’s that kind of thing that has caused me to delve a bit deeper. I’ve never in my life felt any need to know where he goes, what he does, who he’s with - I’ve always been so laid back about things like that. But as others have said, when you live with someone like this, it turns you into a super suspicious detective.

What I’m actually planning is to say we talked about this, you promised to do something about your drinking and I don’t believe you have due to x,y,z so now I have to tell you that I’m planning on leaving because I can’t live like this any longer.

Surely PPs can understand that before I have that conversation, I just want to be as sure as I can be that he is doing the things I suspect?

Makes perfect sense.

Sadly one thing that I have noticed on MN, that has increased in recent years, it people with no understanding of the more difficult sides of life, wading in and saying "How dare you check your husbands phone/internet whatever" because they blindly trust. So anyone who, for whatever reason, is pushed to checking things out, feels guilty and nosey and U for even daring to not trust 100% as they do.

Inevitably, many of them will be back some years later saying "DH is having an affair, I never ever believed that he would" or somesuch. Sad but true. How do I know? I was one of them.

Original poster
Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 23:44

Sorry to hear that @PyongyangKipperbang

I’m not diminishing what you went through but I almost wish he was having an affair. At least then it would be clear-cut and a definite reason to leave. But in this situation, I feel like I’m supposed to be doing all I can to help him - when what I actually feel is anger about all the lies and that he’s doing this to himself and our kids - it must be destroying his health. All I can think is how it would affect the kids if anything happened to him.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 31/07/2024 23:48

Does he drive?