To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

[Clueless2000]

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

Yeah 'I'm not an unhinged stalker I am concerned'

Men do tracking its creepy and controlled and red flag and some weird grey rock thing

Women do tracking its concerned and doesn't he know I have anxiety

This place never fails on the double standard

I totally see why OP is doing this, but if she'd posted saying " DH has been checking the ring doorbell to see if I'm going out" MN would be screaming control, abuse, LTB.

irrespective of the reason it’s way live him being tracked and spied on and u feeling the need to do that

Hi @CheekyHobson - no, this is genuinely the first time I’ve posted about this! Could you possibly link me to the thread please? Weird that someone else has posted something so similar but I’d be interested to read it.

I don’t think so. I can see videos of other people coming and going but like I say, some days there are none of him when I know he’s been in and out.

OP, everyone who lives with an alcoholic does what you're doing. It's part and parcel of living with an addict.

I understand. It's not about being controlling.

Get yourself over to the addiction boards on MN.

Those of you who have said it’s not the doorbell that’s the problem, you’re right, it’s not is it? I know exactly what he’s doing. I suppose I feel like I need to be able to present proper proof before potentially blowing our lives apart but I know he’s drinking, he can deny it all he wants.

As for the “unhinged stalker” comments…I won’t dignify those with a response.

I would add, you will have to face up to the fact that you can't control or stop him. I absolutely understand the need to check up, investigate etc. That's just what you do, in the early stages of figuring it out.

Thank you.

My GP called it self medicating when I mentioned my DF’s lifelong drinking.
But this might be a good term to use for your DCs - don’t cover it up, keep them informed of the situation. It’s as hurtful for them , that he won’t stop drinking, as it is for you…… and the resultant break down of the family.

Op, if you try to use the "Ring" evidence he will probably have the same reaction as those who have the "controllling" reaction based on our previous experiences. I don't believe you mean to be controlling... I think you genuinely care for him. But you looked because you don't trust him. And that's because you know, without evidence, that he is drinking.

I hope you find the support you need from the places others have signposted you too.

It is worrying behaviour. Worrying that this man's drink problem has turned his wife into someone with so little peace of mind, she is hyper vigilant. Never able to relax in case the day veers of course and the man she expects to see has been replaced by an incoherent mess, incapable of holding up his share of joint activities, or childcare. That she will maybe have to cover for him with her DC and others. Scared that yet again she will have been lied to and taken for a fool with no eyes or sense of smell and that rather than have an ordinary day she will have to again reflect on whether it's time to upend her life and leave the man she maybe still loves. She's checking because she's frightened and desperate to reassure herself and the appropriate way to do that, asking him, isn't open to her, because she can no longer believe anything he says. If you've never been there, please don't intimate the OP is akin to an abusive controlling person. It's entirely different.

I agree with Pillofy too 100%

just one thing, does your husband have Bupa or similar?

My husband has and was able to call them for help which ended up with him being in rehab for a month, no way could we have afforded the 20 grand ourselves but turns out, so far, to have been the best thing that’s happened to us - 15 months alcohol free, his employer was so supportive he just had to bite the bullet and be honest with them.

I could have written every post you have and of course you become a super detective when living with a clever ? Functional alcoholic and until you’ve lived with one you’d never understand.

Wishing you all the best and hope your partner will admit to his problem and seek help because sadly when they’re this far down the road they can’t just stop without help.

My life has changed beyond what I could have imagined, drink is no longer on my radar it’s freed my mind up - didn’t realise how much space it was taking up in my head until it wasn’t.

Some of the responses on this thread are disgraceful. Honestly, I am very old but I thought by now women would be supportive of each other.

Anyone has the right to know if alcohol is being brought into and heavy drinking is going on in their OWN house. No matter who it is. If he is spending OP's money she has the right to know.

All those implying or saying the OP is a stalker because she looks at and is puzzled by her OWN ring doorbell obviously don't give a shiny shit about their own family.

OP I don't have any advice but it seems to me you're doing the right thing by trying to reach out for help in the first place.

People can be total arseholes here op, they know exactly why you are worried. If you can’t find empties in the house, if you can, check the car.

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

Thank you - you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Yes he does have private health care - I’d never have thought he could use it for this so that’s really useful. Thank you.

🤭

I’m so pleased! This will give you options.

Rehab sounds such a Big thing to even contemplate, I remember thinking wow is he really ‘bad enough’ for the Priory - seemed like someone else’s lives we were talking about .. but yes obviously he was and it worked for him so far (only putting that caveat in because nothing is guaranteed of course) but it’s looking very positive from where I’m standing

Mines the same even the doorbell bit often chimes on my phone when I'm at the door talking

@Clueless2000 I am sorry you are going through this.
You do need some support Al-non or such.
I am holding the MN thread on alcohol support this month and have contributed since I gave up drinking two and a half years ago.
How did I do it? A commitment to my family. I work at a very high level in business, lots of entertaining etc. However after a horrendous caring situation and subsequent bereavement my over indulgence tipped in to dependancy. I was drinking 5 nights a week. My DH of 35 years doesn't really drink. I 'functioned'.
You have to decided if you want to help him? There are no delicate conversations here. Your children will know he drinks and will hate it. My alcoholism was a form of self harm. Perhaps your husband's is too. High achievers often become addicts. It's a release valve.
In my experience everyone at his place of work will know he's a boozer. It will be talked about even if your DH is the boss.
So if you still love him and want to help get angry. You have to have the conversation. You give him that option to get help and you take no prisoners. Alcoholics lie, they hide booze. My hiding place was in the boot of our sports car. Another trick was filing an empty bottle with water so I hadn't drunk the whole lot!
Get angry or get out. He needs support, if you want to do that forget your door bell and start the process. I'm glad my DH cared enough to help me. Good luck.

Just wanted to say I don't think you are stalking him. My husband has had addiction issues (drugs) and would deny it and turn it round to me being paranoid!! I completely understand why you feel that you want physical evidence. I did too. It messes with you mentally . Hope you get through to him and he receives the help he needs. My husband is 18 months clean on drugs but has slowly increased his drinking to a very unhealthy amount and refuses to cut down. I think this will become a serious issue soon. Good luck OP - it's hard !

Even if you catch him red handed It's not going to prove anything. Even if he briefly agrees, which is unlikely they'll be manipulation and deflection and you'll probably end up being blamed. It'll be a one off or a stressful day or how dare you not trust him you're driving him to it. It's the nature of addiction and it's one of the reasons trying to catch him at it is pointless. Lying and manipulation go hand in hand with addiction. You have children, whatever anyone wants to decide about you owing you partner support doesn't matter because you have kids and protecting them is way more important than supporting him. FWIW I don't think you'd owe him support or should feel guilty for leaving if you didn't have kids, but once you have kids that makes it much more clear cut. Protect your kids, protect your mental health and try to remind yourself if you feel guilty that the people you owe support to first and foremost are you kids, not him.

Huge empathy to you OP. Heavy drinking is very destructive, people seem to normalise it in here, but it can absolutely destroy a relationship, family life, and yes if you don't have the money and your DH is spending out of the family budget on drink that's unacceptable. It is your business and you aren't being controlling, but you'll always be made out to be the bad person, never the drinker.

Its only natural that you're trying to figure out if he is drinking secretly, that's the horrible situation you have been placed in because he's dishonest

he's already acknowledged to you before that he needs to cut down, but still carries on.

Al Anon is a good shout re getting advice and support.