To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

[Clueless2000]

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

I lived with an alcoholic family member for a while. If ring doorbells had been a thing then I would have done the same thing in an effort to prove once and for all that we were being lied to, and to try to convince them to get the help they so desperately needed We know it’s pointless, we know presenting the ‘evidence’ won’t work, but we do it anyway. In the vain hope of making a difference before they kill themselves. In our case we couldn’t.

I completely agree with this.

Op the only way you'll ever know is if you subject him to frequent breathalysers or blood tests.
He's not going to admit it and come clean because he can't/won't give up the booze.
That's his right, it may be the only thing he values or numbs the pain.

The deceit makes it very difficult to end your marriage because you have to be the bad guy and without concrete proof.

At some point your hand will be forced, but sometimes it's better to leap than wait to be pushed.

Actually, I do, sorry to upset your self-righteousness. Love to know his version of events, we usually only get the female point of view, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

You really are living up to your user name aren’t you JudgeJ ?

If, as OP suspects, he is drinking heavily and regularly, then his version of events will be whatever supports him carrying on drinking. OP is clearly worried enough about what she knows to be happening, to wonder what is happening behind her back. That is not controlling or invasive - it’s trying to uncover the extent of the problem so she can make a decision whether or not to leave, depending on whether or not he is prepared to accept he has a problem and get help. She needs to do whatever she has to do protect herself and her children. If you had experience of living with an alcoholic you would know this.

No shared finances/card you can check?

I agree, the doorbell is not the issue.

My ex used to use it to check on Me. If I wanted to go to the shops or out with friends but I knew he'd be checking and I'd turn the WiFi off and then back in again when I got back.

(I am now safely in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who is not at all controlling)

Out of interest are you an alcoholic?

Personally I think he should dump you, you seem very controlling, he should see the Red flags, I just saying most mumsnet would say if it was a man doing this to his female partner.

Hi, sorry your in this horrible situation. I understand everything your doing and checking but from the opposite view point. I was the alcoholic and its turned me into a liar... hiding alcohol, stealing it... you name it ive probably done it.

He'll probably at this point think he's hiding it well..
A "functioning alcoholic" will nearly always just become a full blown alcoholic in most cases... as you start getting less good at hiding it ... can't remember the lies you told previously n so on.. of course that's without intervention.
I can point you in the direction of lots of resources and places for him to contact. There's also meetings online if he's not ready to go straight into a service. Although in my experience they are a huge support and keep me on track. (AA isn't for me personally but I know lots of ppl find comfort in this)

Rather than confront him with evidence ..maybe approach him and ask if he's struggling... he may be well ready to tell you but is ashamed. I know in the past if I've been confonted with evidence I immediately go on the defensive. I'm not making excuses for him at all. But I can almost guarantee there's nothing that you can say that will make him feel worse than he already does.

Feel free to inbox me if you want.

I really hope he gets the help he needs. Going into treatment and rehab really is a game changer. And in my opinion needs to be maintained and not just think "your cured" if he does end up going into rehab.

(Please no one come at me)

I am not an alcoholic, but my husband worked away a lot and was paranoid about me having people around and going out without him etc.

Even a trip to the shops could cause a big stressful argument with him insisting I must have been meeting someone.

So that's why I turned the WiFi off so I didn't get phonecalls asking where I'd been and arguments.

It was not a healthy relationship towards the end and he was not checking on me out of concern for my health.

@Clueless2000 ignore the ones questioning your motives, they are lucky enough to have never lived with someone with a drink problem.
I'm sorry you are.
But you have probably realised now that you can't do anything to help them... they have to acknowledge it. And if he is still lying, hiding and sneaking you can't help.
Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to catch him in the act etc...you know the truth.

Protect yourself and put yourself (and kids) first.

What a load of utter bollocks. The reading comprehension skills on MN really have hit a new low if this is what you took from OP’s posts.

'Get out of this thread'?! Bloody hell, mn really is becoming an echo chamber for some who only want one viewpoint allowed!

that makes sense then.

Please don’t let him drive your children, or you. Their alcohol intolerance changes over time so he can appear sober when really intoxicated. Constant drinking means alcohol never completely clears the blood stream, they crave a drink as the level drops and gradually that level ( when they crave a drink) is raised.
If you suspect he’s drunk driving you can call 101 with his car registration number.
But I would urge you to leave. Life with an alcoholic is hell.

There are a few. So rabidly ‘controlling innit’ that they don’t stop to think that this is an app on both phones designed to check who is coming and going while you are away from your home, and that the controlling behaviour is actually his, by turning off the wifi so OP doesn’t get the alerts that indicate he’s up to no good. And you’re right. If you’ve never been closely involved with someone with an addiction, you’re not qualified to comment.

The viewpoint of those who have never dealt with an alcoholic and are condemning the OP as controlling, aren’t really relevant though. Context is everything.

Please go to some Al Anon meetings OP. They will support you to work out what you want to do.

And it will be a huge relief to listen to people who have stories just like your own and who understand and won’t judge you.

Is he not just leaving the house via another door without the Ring on it? That seems like a more obvious course of action than having to remember to turn off alerts etc.

Instead of trying to catch him out, how viable would it be to buy a breathalyser and ask him to blow into it so you can see his intoxication levels at a time of your choosing? If he refuses, you have your answer in any case, and can make a decision from there. He is unlikely to want to have an honest and open conversation about his drinking if he's doing everything he can to hide it, but if he isn't drinking he won't have a problem with the breathalyser.

@Clueless2000 I listened to a recent Mel Robbins podcast with someone billed as an expert in getting confessions, body language, identifying lies, etc. Despite the sensational nature of the topic there were some great nuggets. One was that when you are concerned about something that is happening, forget about getting the big confession, or that with just the right amount of evidence you'll get someone to admit something. She said instead just gather the crumbs of evidence you're aware of, the little associated admissions that have been made, and that's enough for you to know what is going on, make your decision and act. It seems very appropriate to your situation.

Exactly this..

I could be stood facing the Ring doorbell and at times the signal is so poor it doesn't pick it up that I'm stood there.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sticks when you love someone so much and have to sit there and watch them destroy everything.

I left my alcoholic boyfriend. Couldn't take it any more. My life is so much better now. Calmer. I'm not on eggshells.

Try getting some support through meetings.

Although it's him who really needs support to sort whatever is upsetting him to the extent he needs to blot life out.

But you can't make him. He has to choose and that's the hard part as he may never choose....

Same here (spouse in my case) - I drove myself demented trying to stop him, find evidence, you name it, and the only thing that stopped him was his final breath. With hindsight I should have left long before, but mainly guilt, and the vestiges of feeling I had left for him, held me back. It's a horrible illness and the effects on those standing by watching helplessly, is devastating.