To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

[Clueless2000]

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

@crumblingschools yes, he drives - I’ve been thinking about that and I don’t believe he’s ever driven on a day when I know he’s been drinking, plus I think most of his drinking happens in the evening when I’m in bed. I think he seems to be “functioning” enough to not drink drive.

But I have recently been thinking there’s every chance he could still be over the limit the next morning and I don’t think he considers that.

This was many years ago. I am a LOT more cynical now at 51!

So my advice is that you cannot help him. This is the rabbit hole of self destruction that addicts pull other people into throught FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

He may not be actively choosing to be an addict, but equally, he isnt actively choosing to NOT be an addict. There is so much help out there and if he is a halfway intelligent man, he knows that. He is choosing to stay on the path of destruction rather than reach out for help to get off it, because getting off the path is a lot harder in the short term than just "having another beer". Its so easy to rationalise addiction, especially to alcohol if one is (on the surface at least) functioning. Its "just another glass of wine", dismissing the previous glasses.....

If you decide that you must help him then you might as well give up now and accept the life that you (and your kids) are going to live. Or you could forget the threat of "I am thinking of plans to leave" as it wont make any difference, and ACTUALLY make plans and leave. He will not change until he has to. And hitting rock bottom is the only way that he will realise that he has to.

Kill or cure. Sorry to be so blunt but it really is that simple. xx

I am sorry Op , it does seem that your suspicions about your H may be correct .
I also fully understand that you are reticent about confronting this as there will be major implications for you and your kids. I think it is under stable to be hoping that you are wrong and that you delay taking any immediate action until you know for certain , have more "evidence ".
As others have said he will be a master in hiding everything . If he thinks you have gone to bed , can you make an excuse to come back downstairs to see if he is in fact drinking when you are in bed ?

I hope that you can get things sorted .

Either accept his alcoholism, give him an ultimatum to get it under control (unlikely to work), or leave him. Tracking your partner's every movement is controlling/invasion of privacy.

That’s ok @PyongyangKipperbang you’re not being blunt, you’re being honest. And thank you for what you said about the guilt - I’ve read so much that has made me think I’m a bad person for not wanting to help him with his “illness”.

And thank you @imfae for your kind words. It’s hard to come downstairs without him hearing.. I’ve tried…

@altmember for goodness sake, why are you so keen to make me out to be the one at fault here? You make it sound like I’ve installed secret software to spy on him or something.

We both have the exact same apps on our phones. I’ve never taken any interest in Ring footage/his journeys on the tracker until now, when I’ve realised they point to suspicious behaviour that I already suspected.

Are you telling me that if you had a similar worry and could possibly check your suspicions by checking an app that was already on your phone, that the other person knew about and also had access to, you wouldn’t do so?

Ime the people who kick off most about "invasion of privacy " are the ones with the most to hide ......

Just saying

The "alcohol support" topics section might be a helpful read for you OP. As well as people discussing their own drinking, there are threads written by people in similar situations to you (ie, their spouses are drinking too much/hiding their drinking, that kind of thing). Best of luck.

Did you not post an identical thread to this just a few weeks ago?

Everyone (except the people who were unnecessarily fixated on you checking your own Ring videos) said he was a functioning alcoholic.

It's still true.

Check your ring subscription package. I think the true basic one doesn’t save video content. Could it be that?

You can’t help him with his problems with alcohol op. Unfortunately. All you can do is protect yourself and your children. Sometimes that’s enough for people to sort themselves out. Sadly problems with alcohol are only ever sorted when the person wants to change and does everything they need to do themselves (& that is sometimes too hard).

There are some helpful threads for people living with others drinking in the alcohol support topic. It might be worth posting there as another poster said.

OP I am an academic who studies technology facilitated abuse. To be clear, I am NOT SAYING you are abusing your partner. I understand you want to keep him safe, and your family unit safe. The one thing I will say that we know from people who use technology to monitor their partners movements (the people who are abusive) is that it doesn't alleviate their anxiety, it actually makes it worse. They find they look more and more for information. Now, we don't know if this is true for people in your situation, but I would really strongly urge you to check in with yourself whether looking for evidence is helping you or just delaying an inevitable conversation and making you feel worse and more anxious in the meantime.

I don't think you can personalise alerts so that one person sees something differently to another.

He could deactivate the camera and you should be able to see that yourself in the app under its status - only at the time though.

Pausing the wifi is the most likely scenario and doesn't leave a trace. My teenagers figured that one out pretty quickly.

Yes easily I do it all the time just turn it off and back on

Sorry you’re going thought that I do the same just switch it off

Some years ago a fast friend of mine was cheating on her husband. Much of the extramarital sex happened at hers when her husband was out, with the affair partner coming to her house. I often think now of how difficult that would be to pull off in this day and age with Ring Doorbells etc. But I guess they can be tampered with, as you're finding @Clueless2000.

As others have pointed out,the doorbell is the least of it. Sit down and have a candid chat with him about his drinking; it's the only way. The AA has been helpful for many I know. Drink is a tough one as it's fucking everywhere, but for many of us we can't drink in moderation.

There's help out there if he wants it. Good luck.

Reading with interest. I hate Alexa, in the kitchen listening to me. Suggesting things on Facebook that I've only talked to Dh About !

I hate being big brother watched by ring doorbell. Over the weekend I put a piece of paper over the doorbell to hide a few things I was doing - eg to create lovely presents and a photo board in secret for Dh's 60th birthday party on Saturday. I'm now thinking that I will do this more often and turn off the Wi-Fi more because I just resent being watched all the time as don't like it.

So if Dh has the doorbell app, my only option is to turn the WiFi off, right? That will definitely work? He won't get notifications? Is that guaranteed? I will talk to him about this all aswell, fear not!

Well I couldn't figure out how to get notified if the wifi was off- doesn't mean it's not possible I guess, but I checked every menu option in the app. You could always blame the wifi itself though.

Huge sympathy OP - as others have said, unless you’ve lived with an alcoholic there’s no way to understand how stressful, all consuming and upsetting it is. Speaking from experience I would honestly get out sooner rather than later as you just can’t negotiate with this illness or make it better. Good luck, put yourself first - I hate to say it but you will always come second to the booze and you deserve better.

He can easily disable the doorbell.

The fact that you are resorting to playing detective proves it has gone too far. The situation is dysfunctional. You know he is drinking. You also know that you don’t trust him. That is what matters. Not how much he is drinking or having proof.

if you have children in this situation, you can’t allow it to fester. have to decide if it’s time to just leave or if it’s just time for one more confrontation and chance for him to get sober.

Agree with this.

Even if you "catch him" he will protest make pronises and resort to new measures.

Its insane the levels people will go to.
My ex boyfriends dad was recovered but used to put it all kinds of elaborate places the one i remember is he used an empty bottles of domestos which stayed with me as it is so sad and desperate and sums up how awful the whole thing is.

I think if you feel you need concrete proof you need to work out WHEN he is doing it (Tuesday between lunch and 6pm) and take a half day off and track him on the app and follow him to the off licence and catch him in the act.

But...You dont need to do this really as you know... you also have a dd so should be making moves to leave. Only he can decise to stop / get help.

I live with a functioning alcoholic. Twenty years ago I would never imagine I would write that sentence. I have made a series of decisions based upon our circumstances and we continue to live for the most part, happily together. However after reading your post there are a couple of key differences, age and children, the biggest one being children. My OH and I don't have children together. If I had young children in my current circumstances I would leave. That sounds harsh. But drinking a lot is expensive so it takes your financial resource but it also takes away your personal capacity to care for and love. Often my OH is physically present but just too out of it to meaningfully engage. He won't remember conversations we have had or plans we have made. You can't bring up children in those circumstances. I would suggest you talk with him but If he is an alcoholic don't expect too much. My OH says stuff like no, don't be daft, I can wait to have a drink until after I'm back from Tesco ( where he goes to buy his two or three bottles of wine for the day).

please dont try and find proof it will eat you up.
i know its tempting

Give Al Anon a ring - they were great for me and opened my eyes to the fact that I was enabling my OHs excessive drinking by brushing his behaviour under the carpet. It took one too many embarassing social situations for me to finally confront it and have the “me or the booze” ultimatum which I was prepared to carry through. I’ve come.out the other side and we are still together - alcohol free three years down the line. It is a difficult road but we are both healthier, financially better off, and closer as a result. The trust is growing, but I’m still alert for signs.