Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

190 replies

Clueless2000 · 31/07/2024 22:30

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 01/08/2024 10:31

JudgeJ · 01/08/2024 10:15

Maybe it's clear why he drinks, living with such a controlling person!

It's abundantly clear that you have no experience with alcoholism

thesugarbumfairy · 01/08/2024 10:32

OP I shall gloss over the ring camera thing. Yes if he's tech savvy he could be removing evidence. However that isn't the issue. The issue is that you are hypervigilant because you think he's an alcoholic. From what you've said, its highly likely he he, and he will lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny.

I would be very very worried. You may think he is a 'functioning' alcoholic, but that's what I thought. He wasn't functioning at all. Turns out they'd been concerned at work about his poor performance for a considerable amount of time. I only found this out AFTER he'd had a stroke (at 50) This was just over one year ago.

He was not a functioning driver either. I realised this after pulling apart a story he'd made up about some van driver crashing into him and smashing his wing mirror. He had actually just smashed into a local bridge. We had the police round after someone saw him drinking in a local carpark at 7am. He also made up a story about why they were there. (but I heard the actual conversation on the ring camera) There's a lot more of this shit to tell. I'm just highlighting that they aren't necessarily as functioning as you think. The light dawned for me very late in the day.

He spends recklessly and still denies its on booze. Even though its all at the local shop and there's nothing else to buy there other than food and newspapers.

But basically I'm now a 'carer' for an alcoholic with a brain injury. The locals refer to him as the 'alcoholic guy' (someone posted on fb asking about him - I asked them to take it down but not before various comments were made - including the fact that he hides bottles in the bushes aka hedge vodka!) He cannot work. He can just about manage by himself but has no short term memory and forgets to eat/take meds etc. He stinks. Not because he doesn't wash, but there's just this underlying rank smell due to the booze. Thankfully he had his driving licence revoked (because of seizures after the stroke) I have to track him now (he knows I do) in case he goes missing (again).

This is a warning for you. Its a terrible situation to be in. But you need to address it one way or another.

cooldarkroom · 01/08/2024 10:32

Alcoholics are very inventive. There are ways of not needing to hide the bottles at home, like decanting into a water bottle, or coke can. before he comes home & ditching the tin or bottle in someone else's bin...

5128gap · 01/08/2024 10:48

HowardTJMoon · 01/08/2024 09:50

With the greatest of respect because, trust me, I've been there - even if you track their movements you can't control their drinking. The only way you can be sure an alcoholic isn't drinking is if they're asleep or you've locked them in a room.

It wasn't your fault.

Many of us who resort to tracking or other monitoring are not doing it to control or prevent the drinking. We know we can't do that. We're doing it because we have picked up on the all too familiar signs that mean the wheels are about to fall off our lives again. That promises have been broken again and the cycle of lies and gaslighting is about to resume. We are hoping, against our better judgement that we are wrong and 'paranoid' and that all is well after all and we won't need to deliver on the ultimatum we gave last time. If the ring door bell shows he hadn't been out, if we find no bottles in his wardrobe or receipts in his pocket then the can is kicked down the road for another day.

bombastix · 01/08/2024 10:51

Alcoholics play on peoples hopes and they lie. Actively. By omission. They care more about alcohol than you.

They can ruin your life OP. Find some support for yourself.

LivelyMintViper · 01/08/2024 11:12

Could you inconspicuously place a clock in view of the ring bell? You would then know if it is being edited by the time lapses. Maybe it doesn't work that way.

LivelyMintViper · 01/08/2024 11:15

Just realized that won't work. 😐

BringMeTea · 01/08/2024 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SaltyChocolate · 01/08/2024 11:50

Viewfrommyhouse · 01/08/2024 09:35

ODFOD.

You've clearly no experience of dealing with an alcoholic. It's fucking devastating. The alcoholic in my life died. I wish I'd tracked their movements a thousand times more than I did.

It is kind of this to be honest.

You either have to be prepared to put yourself to one side and dedicate everything to being their support system to help get them off alcohol with no guarantee at the end. It's very hard work. I think you would need a strong support network for yourself, group work, couples therapy. Staging an intervention can be a step forward as it shows you care about them as a whole person and not just the 'you not drinking alcohol' part.

Or detach emotionally and physically with a view to keeping a check to make sure they aren't homeless / dead as that would be very hard to live with. Again no guarantee.

At the end of the day it is this to me that would guide me- how I see it is that the world is a mess and all I ask of anyone in my life and of myself if is to try and leave it a little better than when I/you found it. What part of secret drinking does that?

Megmarie · 01/08/2024 11:51

13 weeks what does everyone think boy or girl?❤️

To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?
theemmadilemma · 01/08/2024 11:59

Ah bless you OP. I've been sober coming up 5 years and yes, alcoholics are sneaky fuckers and when the need to drink is motivating them, they'll find a way, very clever ways.

You know the signs, you can tell, this is just helping confirm what you know.

You mentioned private healthcare, but I always put this advice on all these threads:

You can in fact have a free (bar prescription costs) at home detox/rehab on the NHS.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal.

They should be able to offer support.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.

Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made phyical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

Alcohol addiction support services - NHS

Find alcohol addiction support services near you on the NHS website.

http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location

HauntedbyMagpies · 01/08/2024 12:30

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 31/07/2024 22:39

I turn mine off when I order Maccies in secret

That's a problem. Secret eating is the start of a problem

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 01/08/2024 12:48

HauntedbyMagpies · 01/08/2024 12:30

That's a problem. Secret eating is the start of a problem

Spoil sport

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2024 13:02

You don't need 'proof'. You can't trust him.

HauntedbyMagpies · 01/08/2024 13:16

@Clueless2000 Hi OP. Sorry this is a long post but I want to give you my perspective and it's an emotive subject for me.

My Dad was a functioning alcoholic and I remember growing up, how I used to find half-bottles of whatever brown spirit he was drinking at the time, in the strangest of hiding places (Even from a young age when I didn't even know what they were!) I wasn't rifling through drawers or anything, these would be places I'd come across whilst playing with the cat or my sibling for example.

Looking back, my Mum's reactions to these discoveries became more & more despondent. She knew she was out of her depth and that if he didn't accept there was a problem then there was quite literally nothing she could do except the usual kitchen-bollocking at teatime when he came in.
Eventually he stopped hiding them in the house. He must've carried them in his car or work van as he ended up with a driving ban which was a massive shock to the family as my Dad wasn't a criminal in any other way. It highlighted how much of a hold his addiction was having on him.

Just to finish off the story for those interested, he did seem to mostly overcome his addiction (or so we presume) as he got his licence back and became a taxi driver and remained so for many years (and nobody inc. any of the company's passengers ever claimed to have smelt alcohol on him during or after a shift. And I fully believe he didn't drink drive as he loved that job, it was his livelihood. In fact I'd never seen him happier than in his taxi).

Once I was older, I do remember him taking me to a pub a couple of times when not working, for a quick drink and him telling me not to tell mum. Although he did only have a half on both occasions; so he clearly was capable of restraint.

However he sadly died of heart failure eventually, as all his years of drinking had lead to heart disease and the symptoms of which he'd seemingly ignored, so it had become heart failure.

I'm not telling you this to worry or frighten you or anybody else reading this. I just want to point out/remind you that an alcoholic will^^ find ways to drink undetected if they have no self control.
But also to say that I've first hand experience of an alcoholic being fully capable of self control IF they want it enough. I know some will disagree with me there, but I've lived through my Dad being truly hammered as a child almost daily, then as described above, him later being fully capable of restraint. Enough for him to drive 12 hours per day, 6 days per week for 14 years, sharing a vehicle with 50/100+ people per day (most of whom were sat next to him in the front) who would've almost certainly reported him to the taxi company he worked for (or the council who licence taxi drivers) if they'd detected any hint of booze or its effects on him.

(To those thinking yeah, he obviously just learnt to hide it well when he'd been drinking - nah, my Dad heavily perspired whenever he drank more than half a lager! Also like I said, it was his livelihood).

Apologies if I've gone off on a tangent or made your thread all about my experience. I just felt it only fair to show the full picture.

Best of luck, OP.

HauntedbyMagpies · 01/08/2024 13:19

@LovelyBitOfSquirrrel Fair point! 😌 Also add 'hypocrite' to that......🍔👍🏻

Calliopespa · 01/08/2024 13:22

Megmarie · 01/08/2024 11:51

13 weeks what does everyone think boy or girl?❤️

I think you need your own thread.

That said, I’m not sure you’ll get anything but guesses from that.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 13:24

SaltyChocolate · 01/08/2024 11:50

It is kind of this to be honest.

You either have to be prepared to put yourself to one side and dedicate everything to being their support system to help get them off alcohol with no guarantee at the end. It's very hard work. I think you would need a strong support network for yourself, group work, couples therapy. Staging an intervention can be a step forward as it shows you care about them as a whole person and not just the 'you not drinking alcohol' part.

Or detach emotionally and physically with a view to keeping a check to make sure they aren't homeless / dead as that would be very hard to live with. Again no guarantee.

At the end of the day it is this to me that would guide me- how I see it is that the world is a mess and all I ask of anyone in my life and of myself if is to try and leave it a little better than when I/you found it. What part of secret drinking does that?

Edited

The OP cannot help her partner. He has to help himself and the first step is admitting he has a problem. They have children - she can’t just put everything to one side as you suggest. He needs to admit to the problem, stop sneaking around and get himself help. If he refuses, OP should take her children and leave.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 14:01

wonderings2 · 01/08/2024 10:28

Omg - I thought I was the only one 😂

Careful - according to MN you have a problem !!

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 14:03

5128gap · 01/08/2024 10:48

Many of us who resort to tracking or other monitoring are not doing it to control or prevent the drinking. We know we can't do that. We're doing it because we have picked up on the all too familiar signs that mean the wheels are about to fall off our lives again. That promises have been broken again and the cycle of lies and gaslighting is about to resume. We are hoping, against our better judgement that we are wrong and 'paranoid' and that all is well after all and we won't need to deliver on the ultimatum we gave last time. If the ring door bell shows he hadn't been out, if we find no bottles in his wardrobe or receipts in his pocket then the can is kicked down the road for another day.

This. All depressingly familiar to anyone with experience of a loved one who abuses alcohol - which you clearly have from your post. I’m so sorry.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 14:11

altmember · 01/08/2024 00:55

Either accept his alcoholism, give him an ultimatum to get it under control (unlikely to work), or leave him. Tracking your partner's every movement is controlling/invasion of privacy.

No it bloody isn’t !! She’s not tracking his every movement, and it’s neither controlling nor an invasion of privacy when the app can be freely accessed by both. She’s simply trying to get an accurate idea of his behaviour where alcohol is concerned so that she knows what she’s dealing with. And none of your suggestions will work. She can’t ‘accept’ his alcoholism - that will destroy her family and ultimately she’ll have a shit life watching him slowly killing himself. An ultimatum won’t work because for an alcoholic, booze is more important than anything else. He needs to accept he has a problem and get professional help and a good starting point is the GP. OP can’t help him, he has to help himself. If he chooses not to, she’ll have no option but to leave.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 14:16

InsensibleMe · 01/08/2024 09:01

Could you fit him with a tagged collar?

See, this is why I wouldn’t post a real problem such as OP’s on MN.

HauntedbyMagpies · 01/08/2024 14:20

@altmember I know you mean well with that comment but respectfully, and I don't mean this to sound rude, but you seemingly have no idea what you're talking about. It's way more nuanced than that. This is one of those things whereby unless you've been there....

Greytulips · 01/08/2024 14:21

OP can’t help him, he has to help himself. If he chooses not to, she’ll have no option but to leave.

Looking at a ring door bell to ‘highlight’ the problems isn’t going to work either.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/08/2024 14:22

HowardTJMoon · 01/08/2024 07:41

Living with an alcoholic can drive you to do things that are objectively insane. I've rooted through bins to count the empties. I've tiptoed down the stairs to try to catch the secret night drinking. I've searched the secret hiding places. If Ring cameras and location tracking had been a thing back then I'd have been watching those, too.

But all that achieved precisely nothing. I could tell when she'd been drinking just by the look in her eyes and the way she spoke. Sure, she'd lie about it but that's just what alcoholics do - they drink and they lie about their dining.

But if I knew she'd been drinking, and she undoubtedly knew when she'd been drinking, why was I driving myself nuts trying to find evidence of her drinking that she'd just flat-out deny anyway? Even when I'd present the evidence and, after what felt like hours of denial she finally admitted the truth and said she'd stop, she never did for long. And then we'd start on the same ridiculous roller coaster all over again.

The sad reality is that my ex didn't want to stop drinking. It didn't matter that I wanted her to stop or that I knew everyone's lives would be better if she stopped. She didn't want to. And I realised I had neither the legal nor moral right to insist she lives her life the way I thought she should. Her drinking was not in my control. What was in my control was to decide if I wanted to continue being with an untrustworthy, lying alcoholic or not. I chose not to. I should have done it sooner.

The pain of watching someone you love destroy themselves with alcohol is evident in your words. I’m so sorry.