To think DH is deactivating the Ring doorbell so I can’t see what he’s doing?

[Clueless2000]

Posting for traffic.

Long story short - I think he has a drink problem. And I think he buys booze in secret.

I can sometimes see on our family tracker that he’s left the house when I’m out but when I later check the Ring on my phone, there is often no alert to show he’s gone out at that time - no videos in the history.

I think he’s somehow turning off alerts so I don’t get them and can’t see videos of him returning to the house with a carrier bag of drink.

I’m not very tech savvy - could he be doing that??

🤭

It’s incredibly easy to deactivate ring. Add all the device/s to a user on the modem. Switch off and switch back on. No-one would know. Takes seconds. You’re probably right.

OP I'm sorry your facing this

Love and parenthood can make you partners in most things... but not this.
You are both alone here.

I can see that it feels as if you should do something, because this is a life-threatening emergency, but you have absolutely no power over his drinking.

Disapproval or pleading or reasoning from you will be met with lies (or promises and lies) from him. You will take on the worry and feel responsible...but nothing will get better.

He will continue to drink until the addiction takes enough from him that all he has left is the fight against it. That is when he can be helped - though again, probably not by you.

What can you do?

-Don't help him manage his drinking.
-Don't share the responsibility for his drinking by making him accountable to you (He will hide it from you as if you are the problem rather than the drink).

-Do be honest with those around you (you need their support and your children need to know that they are not to blame).
-Do report him (to 101) if you fear he is drink-driving and hasn't listened to your warning about the mornings
-Do prepare yourself and the children for a life without him while he works through this. You are most likely going to have to let him fall. Step away now and perhaps you can be around afterwards.

This will hurt you and make you feel guilty... but it is not unloving; it is practical.
If he was still completely the man you love and remember - what would he advise you to do?

More importantly the door bell is not the problem is it? Its the deceipt and the ultimate cosesqences isnt it. You need to address this if you care about him..... I know its difficult....

Our ring doorbell never shows me what I need it to. As an example, I paid my neighbours 15 year old daughter to come let our dogs out and sit with them for 30 mins. It registered her leaving but not arriving. It often misses crucial events such as a crash outside our house too. I wouldn’t read too much into it!

It’s not down to the OP to help him manage his drinking. She can’t. An alcoholic only cares about one thing - the next drink. He will continue to lie and deceive and OP will be dragged down with him. He needs to accept that he has a problem and get professional help. And until he wants to do this nothing will change. Ultimately OP has to be prepared to leave.

She knows he’s drinking to excess. She sees he’s left the house on the tracker but when she checks the app there are no alerts and no video. So there’s no evidence of what he’s bringing into the house when he returns and OP isn’t alerted to it. That’s not the system missing events, it’s deliberate intervention to stop alerts and delete video. And you don’t think she should be reading too much into it ?

What’s his drink OP? It’s usually vodka for people trying to hide drinking. When my mum died from alcohol related illness we found bottles everywhere. He may be putting them in bins when he goes out or you may find the stash in the attic or back of a wardrobe.

It’s a bit like when my ex DH had affairs. Turned me into a stalker until I realised that it wasn’t up to me to prove anything. I already had enough to leave him.

Love and parenthood can make you partners in most things... but not this. You are both alone here.

Can I just say that these are profoundly wise words by @AbsolutelyBarking

I really do know all that but that's not what i said. She still needs to address with him the fact thst she is aware of this and is 'clocking ' it. Otherwise she could appear to be actually condoning the situation.

I've had alcoholics in my family for years, the only reason my son has stopped drinking is because he has severe liver damage, its up to the alcoholic to stop, no-one will be able to make them give up.

Update: had a talk with him. I said I think he has a problem, he didn’t seem to agree although he did agree he never turns a drink down. Told him to think about what he must be doing to his health and how that could affect DC.

Since then, he’s not left the house for a week (he WFH). There’s a bottle of wine in the fridge that’s not been touched. So I genuinely believe he’s not had a drink in that time…and now I’m confused about what to think? If he had a “problem”, could he go that long without it? Is he “just” a heavy drinker?

Give it 6 months to a year and then decide. It's only been 1 week, you're desperate to think there isn't a problem but there is. He can't turn down a drink.

He has temporarily put himself into an artificial situation just to prove hes fine and doesn't have a drink problem. That's what they do. Then when the coast is clear, believe me he'll be back trying to find ways to conceal his habit.

He has the problem but actually you have the problem because you'll always be on tenterhooks waiting until the problem rears its ugly head again,

live your life op
make plans for yourself

I don’t think it’s a case of just being a heavy drinker from what you’ve said in your posts. Our relative was binge drinking to start with. Could this be the case with your DH. If he’s turned off Wi-Fi so you can’t see what he’s bringing in, that could well be what he’s doing. In our case the relative could stop for a while but always returned to it, and eventually became alcohol dependent. I think the only thing you can do is keep an eye out for the warning signs and if it picks up again, you have some difficult decisions ahead.