I actually can’t stand chronically late people

[Cadela]

Time blindness is not a thing. I have adhd and uncontrolled epilepsy, I know how hard it is, but constantly being late is the most disrespectful thing I think people can do.

Having to tell someone something starts half an hour later so they may show up on time is ridiculous.

It actually isn’t hard. If you have an appointment or an event, PLAN. If you can’t make it on time, get up earlier.

Yes I’m snotty because I have a friend who has no disabilities and every single time we plan something has never made it at the right time. Drives me fucking potty.

Ah well this is something totally different. It’s real passive aggression ( and I hate that term so don’t use it flippantly!)

Exactly. So if you DONT do that it's a choice. Pure and simple.

Exactly.

I'm really, really bad at being on time so to compensate I usually end up being stupidly early (not to people's houses though obviously!). I'm very rarely late for anything. But I'm always surprised by the strength of feeling about this on mumsnet. It would never occur to me to take personal offence at somebody being late. I might find it annoying, sure, but I can't imagine being so bothered by lateness alone that I would make inferences about the way they see or value me (obviously if it forms part of a wider pattern of behaviour that is different). Assuming the worst of everyone seems like a needlessly stressful way to live.

I also suppose that exposure to different cultures will probably soften you to lateness - plenty of cultures do not view lateness as rude at all, and you'd be seen as very odd for getting upset about it.

Fully agree with this! My in-laws do this and it drives me up the wall. I am still cleaning, or still have a shopping trip to do, or I've not showered, or the youngest is still sleeping/napping and they burst in hours earlier than planned and ruin all my plans then have the opinion of me that I'm disorganised and never ready on time?! I don't even like someone being 10 minutes early - I usually do my make up last thing before I expect people to arrive, or do a final vacuum of the hallway, or breastfeed the baby before people want to hold them. I'd rather someone was 10 minutes late (to my house) than 10 minutes early.

As for lateness, my parents were and are still perpetually late to everything and it just never really taught my sibling and I to properly account for the time it takes to get somewhere. My sibling is still at least half an hour late for everything. I managed to improve myself so by the time I was finishing uni I was much better. Maybe a few minutes late to something if I had calculated the driving time but forgot to allow time for parking or similar. However, it all went a bit backwards again after having my first baby and having to relearn how long it takes to get ready, allow for the explosive poos as you buckle them into the car seat or the need for an extra feed just as you've put your jacket on, so there was another readjustment period after becoming a parent. I'm still an "on time" person though now, though DH's family would consider me late because I don't tend to show up very early and/or because I do often need to literally run around at the last minute to make sure I'm on time because of something or other taking longer than I thought it would (which seems to still happen no matter how long I try to give myself - but I do have multiple kids in tow now). My friends, all except one, show up everywhere about 20 minutes late like my parents, so aside from one friend I occasionally meet, I generally feel quite organised and put together in life with showing up on time (and it still takes loads of effort to do so) until DH's family put me down!

And this post sums it up …

I actually think people coming that early is an attempt to “ catch you out.”

I am from one of those cultures where it is acceptable to turn up 2 hrs late to dinner but I prefer not to. I don't like that about my culture, frankly.

I'm either late or early but never on time. I know it stresses other people out but no matter what techniques I try it's always the same. I get really anxious I'm going to miss appointments, trains, work, friends, wedding, funerals, hotel check-in/checkout ect but being on time is a skill I cannot get right. I've not heard of the saying time blindness but I imagine ours would use this term for me.

Reading this thread I’m realising why I am late to things. It would never have occurred to me I would need to schedule out 5 hours to get up and get a child to a science fair. 🤣

And I have missed a plane once. The only casualty was my wallet; as we instead pulled off earlier and booked last minute flights from Heathrow instead of the scheduled Gatwick flight. It was severely injured. Not so much by the flights but having to park in the short stay by the minute carpark FOR A WEEK 😭😭😭

Please don’t take sone of the intolerant comments on here too much to heart. Many of us do understand this can happen even when people are trying. It’s sn executive function wiring thing and, yes, there are techniques and practices you can ( and should) adopt to help a lot, but it isn’t ill will or selfishness on your part. Those are very backward views.

Well, jeez! Of course it isn't hard if you have so little going on in your life that you can happily spend 4 and a half hours fucking about getting ready! I have little patience for this holier-than-thou attitude tbh. My people are the people who cram as much as possible into every hour of the day. I don't care if they are sometimes a bit late to things because at least they're interesting to be with.

Yeah I wouldn’t have that leeway to do sweet fa and look at leaves and snails.

We usually get places on time but it’s with a lot of swift movement involvement.

Also that post is missing the point. It isn’t hard if you have the executive function to backsolve the timings. Some people don’t . So they might think “ 20 minutes to put clothes in suitcase” but totally forget the suitcase is in the outside garage loft, which means finding the key to the loft, fiddling round with the lock if it’s stiff, maybe getting a ladder, which might be under the apple tree because DH is currently harvesting them, then moving the four boxes of books that have been placed in the loft in front of the suitcase. By the time they’ve done all that the 20 minutes allocated has vaporised. Some people naturally think through all these steps; others have blind spots as it isn’t his their brain works and they only “ happen upon” the issues as they actually get ready.

Ah, now people who are on time have nothing going on in their lives😂
Modern etiquette is fascinating, if nothing else. People who plan are dull, those who don't are wildly interesting.

@Cadela you and I could be good friends. Though I would give you 15 minutes leeway for having a small child. I always give anyone with small DC leeway as I know how they dawdle.

Another thing that’s occurred to me re people who ‘can’t help,it’ - what about any post school exams, uni or otherwise? Do they manage to turn up on time for those? Or do they get a special dispensation allowing them to rock up 20 minutes late?

@deviantfeline · Yesterday 21:50

I'm never ever late for things that will happen or go without me (flight, public transport, shows) in fact I'm ridiculously early and that's because I know I struggle to estimate how long things take.

If i am meeting someone I'm sad to say I'm frequently late, again because I struggle to estimate time and how long things take both individually and as a series of events

Showing that people can get somewhere on time if they need to if it affects them , but stuff others who are affected by their pissing about.
Sorry but I'm with OP on this one.

Well, I guess if that's how you want to read it, that's up to you. You choose to be insulted if you want.

I didn't say people who plan were dull. I didn't say people who are on time have nothing going on in their lives (did I hit a nerve?). What I said was that someone who has 5 hours to do nothing but eat breakfast and shower must have little else to do in that time.

And yes, I (me) will always find someone who has, for example, spent their morning lake swimming, walking their dog, and generally whizzing around doing stuff, more interesting than someone who has spent 4 hours drinking coffee and putting their make-up on.

So aggressive.

We're not all the same; nor are people affected by the same disabilities in the same way.

It’s all been explained above.

Those sorts of events require an enormous exertion of focus for the time-blind. Often they will have a sort of nervous collapse or other physical manifestations of stress from the effort of achieving that timeliness. Of course you could demand that from them for your coffee appointment but the point we are all making is maybe it isn’t such a massive deal if you sit at the cafe for ten minutes as to be worth putting that sort of strain on them? Of course, it’s always possible you think it is…

My DD27 ADHD brain would have imploded at that list.

Because WE'RE NOT ALL THE SAME.

Well … yes, a bit. You are wanting to say people who don’t plan are rude, selfish and disrespectful so it’s not a wildly disproportionate retort.

Ha. OK. You said late people are interesting, and now say people on tume spend 4 hrs putting on makeup because how else could they be on time?

No, it didn't hit a nerve. I whiz plenty, drink coffee, wear no makeup and manage to be on time. It can be done. Personally I ( me) find punctual people WILDLY interesting. I am impressed by people who have a lot going on and yet manage to be on time. Ten minutes late for a coffee is fine. 30 minutes late for a play is not.

@Calliopespa I haven't used the term rude, selfish or disrespectful. Those are your words. I have simply said I will only meet for coffee and not anything time sensitive.

Show me where I said late people were interesting.

What I actually said was that I find people who have a lot going on in their lives interesting and that I don't care if that makes them late sometimes.

now say people on tume spend 4 hrs putting on makeup because how else could they be on time? Yeah, I sure as fuck didn't say that anywhere.

You have a comprehension problem.