To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

Do we want autistic teens to lead lonely adult lives ? Or a life with a partner who has to indulge their every whim?

If not they need to learn to adapt and understand other people's needs too . Or it will be a lonely adulthood

I think since you are there stay a couple more days and then go home if it hasn't got any better. Don't take him again.
Can you read for an hour? Then go out for an hour. Then your dh go out for an hour then the 3 of you have dinner together. So mix it up a bit.

if he refuses, smash it in front of him.
Bloody hell Kirsty Allsopp, calm down!

You’ve completely missed my point, Windsurfinf Dreams, which is that from DS’s perspective, everything in the current situation is a threat so he’s controlling what he can control (other people’s emotions mainly). Take the threat away and his stress will reduce and so will the control.

And I fundamentally disagree that we have to make a child’s home and family unsuitable for them so as to demonstrate to them that adult life may also be unsuitable for them. Get a grip.

I think you might be better off posting in the SN chat for advice.

Is he regulated while he is in the holiday accommodation, or is even that too much for him? If he's ok and happy to chill out there but just doesn't want to go out anywhere I'd probably stay, but totally reframe it in your mind as being a change of scenery rather than a proper holiday. If you take away the demands to go and do things he might begin to relax.

Maybe just head out separately to the shops and find something relaxing to occupy yourself - new books, craft supplies, puzzles, video games whatever you are into. Check out where does takeaway/delivery so you aren't having to cook. Take naps. See if there's anything interesting you can do solo nearby. Find a coffee place nearby so you can nip out for an hour together every so often.

My ASD kid is a bit younger but sounds similar. The normal parenting techniques just don't work and can end up making things worse.

If he's too dysregulated to even settle in the accommodation, I'd just go home. It's not worth the stress for him or you.

My DS is slightly on the spectrum

The older he has become as a teenager the worse he's become on holiday

He realises how much he hates the heat so it takes him a few days to settle in

But he moans about everything. Really basic things

I had to keep running off from him and hiding at the beach or pool last year

Luckily he made friends through DD on holiday and was a bit more relaxed and they were all ok with his weird idiosyncrasies

Are any of the future trips one he is particularly keen on? If so would he respond to the logic that he needs to demonstrate he can behave appropriately on this holiday if he wants to go on that one.

Can you at least book yourself some nice things, like a massage or something?

But they can’t if struggling sooooo…..

I did say last year you don't have to come

But he wanted to

Then said on holiday he hates beach holidays due to heat but didn't want to stay at home

This year we've gone nowhere because I couldn't bear the unbearable stress of it from last year

Could you give a clue as to the sort of place you are so we could give some tips on that? For example if it's a sunny destination could you move to somewhere with a pool or whatever so he can just be inside while you sit out?

Yes, ideally we want autistic children and young people to be adaptable and understanding of others’ needs by the time they are adults but the level to which people are capable of achieving this will vary from person to person. In addition if someone is in a particular situation that is beyond their ability to cope with no amount of not tolerating behaviour, punishing or educating etc is going to work.

The OP’s DS is in a special school. Do you not think both the school and the OP’s family have been attempting to work towards the OP’s DS having the best outcomes all his life?

…being alone doesn’t always mean lonely.

Aside for that, their brains mature, ability to use executive function, being able to critically think .. like all children .. ours take a big longer. DD is 18, but she’s 2 or 3 years behind with social ability .. but that’s ok

OP, mum of a 17 yo here who pretty much had the same issues when we holidayed.. drove us nuts.

What i did was

1. Sit him down and have an age/ability appropriate conversation about how he was feeling, how his behaviour was impacting on us because he was struggling, and how it wasn't acceptable, and what he thought we could do to help him get through the break.
2. moved the conversation onto negotiation. If you agree to come and do X with us tomorrow, you can do Y afterwards

We always took his tablets/laptops with us, we would not confiscate them. We always gave plenty of warning of what the plans for the next day were.. where we were going, what time. We took his tablet/headphones with us for meal times/in the car if we were driving (and used my hotspot). We gave him plenty of downtime.

Yes he grumped, and sulked and did the teenage crap, but we mostly ignored it. Did stuff in the mornings and tried to keep the afternoons for being back at the caravan/lodgings were one would supervise him, and the other would be able to go do stuff.

Sorry OP, I have no experience of this, so can't offer advice, but if you do go home, what will he do that is different to what he wants to do where you are? If when he's at home, he just sits and plays games on his phone or whatever, won't he be happy doing that where you are? And if he is, then could you go out for the hour that you say you're happy to leave him for, and then one or both of you go back to check that he's OK, stay with him for a while, I don't know, perhaps 10 minutes would be enough, and then leave him for another hour, or doesn't it work like that? Sorry for being so ignorant, but I would be interested to understand this part of things.

I realise his SEN needs alter things but even NT teens can be a pain. My 15yo wanted to go beach today as it's my day off in the week and she's on summer hols.

Think she complained about the wind, the fact I didn't bring a mirror, deodorant, a hair band or hand sanitiser (none of which I personally need for a trip to the beach), the fact that it was busy and noisy in the amusements. That she was hungry - after not wanting the lunch provided earlier in the afternoon... I was a bit like.. haven't we grown out of the demanding stage yet! 🙄👀

Brains don't magically mature without any practice using them, though.

Last year (Cornwall, didn’t last the week) was the first holiday I’ve braved since before lockdown. Only agreed this year as it was AI and I agreed that if DD decided to sit in the hotel room and sulk (or get sent back there if she sulked anywhere else). And had GPs in standby to have her back…

I have tried to go away on my own, but we often have a meltdown two days before and/or something comes up with DHs work. It’s relentless and never much of a holiday, is it?

I have a severely autistic family member. He is now 21 years old and I’ve see a lot of behaviours. He does not rule the roost. Oh no. And his needs are well catered for, but even people with severe autism can learn boundaries. They have the right to be taught boundaries and how to self-soothe.

I just wanted to pop on and say hang in there for another day or so before coming home, my 16 is very similar and always takes 4-5 days to adjust to being somewhere new.

He also doesnt eat. We've just come home from holiday a day early as he was so focused on going home he couldn't do anything else, the first few days were decompressing on screens in the dark, then we had a nice few days in the middle before he was obsessing about when we were going home.

What are his interests? Can you plan a trip out based on those? Good luck

And they’re handling so much more on top of teenage hormones. Lack of control, sensory issues,
emotional and physical disregulation, anxiety, depression…

My top big of advice is ride the waves, be kind to yourself and him mentally and not hold yourself up to other families or him up to other teens.

Maybe try to help him calm down tonight, empathise how hard it must be to be away etc and ask what you could do together to make things easier so you can enjoy trips in the future more.

I would go home. Would the grandparents have your son for a day or two so you can have a bit of time with your husband to recharge? Not the same as your holiday but it doesn't seem like your son is going to cope any better while you're away.

You cant be slightly on the spectrum, you either are or you aren't.

Op I suggest you ask your post to be moved to the sen boards, it might help with some of the responses.

Autistic people differ massively, circumstances differ. Learning to self soothe and ability to adhere to boundaries can take years for some and vary in how they present so bit of a pointless post really.

I am delighted to read this post.

The biggest mistake I see parents of autistic DC making is being terrified to challenge or confront them.

The world beyond the family home will not pander to any child. It is setting children up to find the world a harsh, rejecting and terrifying place facing a lifetime of isolation and victimhood.

OP you are a human being too. You deserve a life. Look into respite care for next year if all else fails.

i always challenge/confront my kids behaviour.. i'm also asd/adhd (so same diagnosis)

There are allowances and a lot of picking your battles, but having a good conversations about how behaviour impacts on the people around you is SO important.... as is laying out expectations of their behaviour.

By the time they're teens, you should know your kids well enough to know the difference between triggers/emotional disregulation leading to meltdown, and just normal teenage grump.