To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

Op thank you for posting this thread. I have a pre teen with autism and I have picked up some useful tips from this thread, as well as scrolling by the unhelpful ones.

My DS is gets embarrassed. One thing that has helped us, is that we have explained that when he rude in public we find it embarrassing, because it is infront if others. He kindof gets it.

I like the idea of saying that he has to do one thing a day, as suggested by another poster.

For the first time recently, I felt truly resentful of my pre teen. I do get it, I think it is a valid feeling given the situation.

@kaleidoscoperuby .
" I massively resent him for this. It's really hard not to resent him enough already as our live is completely dictated by his autism yet he just throws everything in our face that we're ruining his life 🤷‍♀️"

THIS is whats ruining things really. ...Im not condemning or even crittersize. Just from outside looking in(which is always so much easier of course)
youve said his attitude/behviour is unlikely change much regrdless where your at.
neither is yours tho.
Difference is,you can reassess and alter your perspective and expectations.
(as before-easy said)
good luck x

Is he safe to be left alone? I’m assuming he wants to laze and play online games? and sedentary.

Can you work with him and leave him alone for exact periods of time with tracking on his phone? So you know he is safe?

it’s helpful to know what has got him so angry. If could be anything with screen, friends are similar better, boy/gurl conflict, hating unfamiliar places, no privacy … hating beach, sun, walking with parents.

Sad as it may feel it's ok to go home. Sometimes it's ok to admit it would be easier at home.
You could still have a break from work.
Of course it's not the outcome you want.
The only other options have all been given some good ideas to consider.
Even NT teens can behave poorly on holiday and it can be very unsettling for ND teens.
Perhaps when you are home and he's more settled you can have a chat about holidays and discuss your furture ones with him?
Sorry it sounds very hard.

FFS. The "just punish them until they mask their autism more effectively" brigade is out in full force on this thread.

OP, I agree that an SEN parent's perspective is completely different here. I'd be going in the opposite direction and trying to think of sensory stuff you can lean into that might make him more comfortable - screen time, smells he likes, very very familiar food so his ARFID isn't more triggered than it already is), his comfiest clothes, bedding that smells like home (or swap his pillows for yours so they smell like you, etc etc).

For all of the hormones, emotionally, he isn't a teen. He's much younger and bollocking him into some sort of forced compliance is just going to up the ante and lead to a huge blowout. Whereas it might just work if you make the whole thing as tolerable as possible for him, while telling him explicitly that that's what you're doing, because you love him and don't want him to be unhappy but you are committed to be away for X nights and that's still the plan.

Think back to the stuff that worked for him at a younger age. Visual calendars? Now and next boards? Water play? If there's any way you can make that familiar, reassuring stuff happen, you might be able to take the sting out of the situation for him and therefore for you and DH.

I think I'd be bluntly honest back (to a degree... some of the stuff you've said here I would not let him know).

I would tell him, it is NOT acceptable to make everyone around him suffer.

I would probably give back screens on the basis that he comes with and sits quietly with that - he has to be there, and he has to not be vile with his words, but he doesn't have to interact beyond the basics and he doesn't have to pretend to like it either.

Make the parameters VERY clear, don't tippy toe around them 'no huffing, no 'I don't wanna' whining, if you're asked if you want A or B to eat, you answer rather than glaring and silence.. (fill in his own particular things here).

Then for subsequent holidays, find somewhere else for him to be, or holiday seperately until he is old enough to be left, because I doubt this is going to improve until he can do his own thing for a LOT longer, whilst on holiday.

Take his devices away and tell him he can have them for 1 hour at the end of the day if he is nice. Extend to 2 hours if he goes along and so on until he gets the message.

if he refuses, smash it in front of him. Sometimes kids need to understand they don’t rule the roost.

It’s tough … my ASD teen is 18 now, and things are certainly easier than they used to be.

When we go on hols now (as of last summer), we go out and leave her. I think sometimes it about having that as an option .. if they know they “can” then sometimes they don’t want to.

We have a thing where, we go, and when she has had enough, we go home. Again, since we started to have that as an option, she stays out longer .. because she knows she can go home if needed.

She always had a thing about being stuck somewhere, feeling anxious, then melting down in front of someone.

Even now.. we had a family wedding a few months ago, and she went sitting in the car after the meal.

Taking the fight out of it is the key “we are doing X tomorrow, would you like to come” and if the answer is “no”, leave him .. he’ll be fine .. if you are really worried, go somewhere really nearby and keep your eye on your phone.

Don't go home

My 15 year old was horrible on holiday last week

I just ignored it as best I could and tried to still have a good time with the other dc and my H

If she didn't want to come to stuff I didn't make her I just left her at the accommodation

That is totally inappropriate and counter productive for an SEN/ND child - that would result in a total meltdown and really make matters worse. For some kids, the screen time IS the coping strategy that lets them deal with being out there in teh world, sitting at a restaurant table, staying put on the bus or train.

Bit late for this year & only you know his boundaries but have you looked at holiday camps for children with SENs? Look at as safe independence experience & a respite break for you & DH

…tell me you’ve never dealt with a ND child, without telling me you’ve never dealt with a ND child.

Taking “electronics” away doesn’t work .. it makes a bad situation worse.

His needs have trumped everything his entire life. It's exhausting and upsetting but it's the hand you're dealt when you have a child with SEN

Not IME OP, and I've raised a lad with severe SEN

Obviously they differ, as does how their needs present, but I found that keeping fair boundaries offered him the security he needed and everyone else a reasonable life, whereas alllowing his needs to dictate absolutely everything helped nobody and least of all him

Again I can only speak for my own family, but it was precisely because DS "couldn't join the dots" that he needed that guidance, and he now lives in his own home with carer support and is happily doing brilliantly

This nails it

My son is AuDHD and I could have written this, sending hugs and support as it’s so so hard and really not possible for people without ND kids to grasp (as evidenced by a lot of the absolutely bonkers “advice” above!!). We have tried a few things that have worked:
-shorter trips (it’s less intense)
-taking GPs with us and having some additional capacity to allow opt in / opt out on some days so that there’s fewer expectations
-prep work in advance with DS: watching YouTube videos of the type of plane, the exact airport, looking at images and videos of the town and researching the local activities, researching the accommodation and looking at pics of it in advance etc so that the anxiety around the unfamiliarity is greatly reduced
-only self-catered accom so that I can cater to the very restricted dietary needs
-and I’m sad to say… coming home early on occasion. We’ve had to accept that sometimes he genuinely can’t cope, and the perseveration and anxiety manifests as anger and aggression. Autism is a disability and he can’t try his way out of it. It is immensely challenging for us all.

It’s so hard and I sincerely hope that if this break doesn’t work out, you’re able to arrange something that will .

Is there something you could do on your own, ie could you go out tomorrow on your own leaving dh with ds and then the following day swap over and dh go out.

would ds understand a conversation about he is ruining it for you and dh and he was given the option to go to grandparents rather than come. It is not acceptable to ruin the holiday for everyone by speaking the way he is and refusing to do anything. You expect him to choose an activity for the next afternoon out of these options?

I have a now mid 20's AuDHD son who at this age was very similar.

Id go home. Cut my losses, the behaviour wont change. Its not something manageable, its not enjoyable for anyone. At home, he is in his safe space. Then i would try and make the most of the time at home. Once he is in his comfortable space, then look at ways to enjoy your time. Have a couple of day trips with the money you would have spent with him, book yourself into a hotel for a night and leave him with your husband and do what you want to do, let your husband do the same possibly. I used to do this, order take away for myself to the hotel, or room service, sit in the bar with a glass of wine, or sit in the room and just read in silence, or watch a movie, go for a walk somewhere alone, i tried to book hotels somewhere calm near water, but not ness expensive ones, it gives you a reset.

I stopped taking all my children on holiday because he couldnt handle them from when he was 13, when he turned 18 i started taking my younger children away and he stayed at home with my mum. I would give him something else like games or bike parts he wanted instead of the holidays. So everyone got something they wanted. But going away with him was impossible, unenjoyable, and not relaxing in the slightest when he turned in to a teenager. So we had to do things differently.

I’m currently on holiday with an autistic pre-teen. Like a lot of holidays I’ve been in tears with the sheer level of rudeness and controlling behaviour. I know it is anxiety driven, and we do a lot to try and bring the anxiety levels down but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. He loves holidays and gets excited by them still, but even then he is so hard work, so I can only imagine what it’s like when they no longer get excited about going.

I have reframed family holidays as primarily enriching experiences for him, that can be made just about tolerable for us, rather than anything that’s particularly holiday-like. DH and I do go and do stuff on our own and it can be nice but I resent having to do this so enjoy it less than I should.

I‘m not sure what the answer is, but I hear you and solidarity.

This sounds so difficult. I don't think you should go home. I understand he has additional needs which you always cater to, but that doesn't mean you should have to cut short a holiday because your son is being a bit of a nightmare (which btw many teens of that age can be even without additional needs).
My suggestion would be to let them get on with it as much as possible, as in don't let their mood become your mood too. Maybe find some activities you and your husband can do in your accommodation so you at least can have a bit of fun while indoors, but also don't totally restrict yourself to being indoors the entire time if possible.
Maybe get a pack of playing cards, or some board games, try create some holiday fun for you and hubby. And who knows, maybe your son will get involved too.
Use that hour you can leave him there to go for little walks, scenic drives or a quick drink together.
It might not be the holiday you expected and hoped for, but you can still find ways to find enjoyment there, even if your son is miserable the whole time, it doesn't mean you and hubby can't find little moments of joy in a very well deserved holiday.
I do hope things pick up for you and you can enjoy yourself.
Take a breather when you need. Maybe find a good book to get stuck into. Have a bubble bath and a large glass of wine. Try whatever you can do, to feel peaceful and restful. You deserve that, at the very minimum...

Good Lord.
I am currently waiting patiently for my DS (who is ND) to put his dirty plate in the dishwasher.
I know he wants me to help him with something and I asked him to do it.
I am frequently called abusive for expecting him to do small jobs round the house.
But you take the biscuit.

I agree with the one thing a day, or every other day and with involving him in the planning. To me, this would apply whether at home or away. Whilst he may be more overwhelmed by being away from home, to me it's not a viable option to stay in your room playing screen games for 6 weeks, and to remove any expectations to be social or do anything is going to make the transition back to school more difficult so I personally feel it's a battle you have to fight and set that boundary for the good of everyone even though its not going to be comfortable to do.

Tomorrow, go out and get some things to do in the holiday home that will be fun - a family board game, a couple of packs of cards (and perhaps some smarties to use as gambling chips/tokens to play newmarket, poker etc), yahtzee dice, an adult lego set, a 3-player cribbage board, a good jigsaw... something that you and your husband will enjoy together and that he will hear you having fun and might emerge from his room and participate. If you're going to be stuck there for most of the day, at least try and make it fun!

Yep take it in turns to go out. If you have a pool leave him in the room while you use it. I would tell him from now on he stays with grandparents if he doesn’t sort his behaviour out. I also have a neurodivergent teen. I feel your pain.

Good grief. Get some help, if you have thoughts like this.

Such bizarre suggestions. I wouldn't even smash the devices of a NT child. Let alone one with autism.

I agree.