To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

@kaleidoscoperuby I'm interested that you say he's well travelled but you're holidaying in the UK. Is his complaint partly that he's 'just' in the UK.

We had a phase of this when one DC wanted to be abroad but I was unable to travel due to health issues. There was a very rigid idea of a holiday = get on a plane. It wasn't helped by the fact that EVERYONE was going abroad post Covid at the time.

There were some very direct conversations took place in our household at that point! It was a point where neurodivergence and being a brat intersected and it was robustly challenged!

Why is he acting like that?.Can you try to get to the bottom of it? Otherwise it sounds awful.

My eldest is 17 and I'd be gutted if he acted like that on holiday! Can you leave him at the accomodation alone and go out on your own?

Mum of neurodiverse here...I'm not expert by any means and every day is a struggle to figure out how to manoeuvre through my child's emotional deregulation, but one thing I have found which helps is teaching how their actions affect me which in turn affects my parenting ability.....so, beacuse autistic kids struggle with empathy and putting themselves in another's shoes, they can't (in my experience) be taught to behave kindly in a way which benefits others, but they CAN be taught to behave kindly in a way which benefits themselves......so, for example you could explain to your ds that a relaxing holiday isn't for him, but actually for you to recharge his batteries so that you can continue doing xyz for him (go to work for the things he loves, taking him to the places he likes, work to pay for the internet), just find all his favourite things and teach him how you being at your mental best, allows those things to happen. It might not happen straight away but I've found that repeating over and over again to my child how their tantrums and screaming and negativity affects me so I can't play with her as much, take her out as much etc, is having small positive effects. Basically just keep telling him that his stropping and attitude is upsetting you and ruining your holiday and if your holiday is ruined you won't be able to do xyz because you won't have recharged your batteries, or you'll have to have another holiday next week to make up for it and the money for that holiday will be taken from the internet money/Christmas present money etc.

Sorry about the length of that post. In this current situation I would say stay and make the best of the situation. It is somewhere that you and your DH want to be then I would take turns to stay with your son and the other parent head off… swap over the next day. Far from ideal but at least each of you will get a breather and is the best worst option. Best wishes OP

I see you can leave him for an hour. I'd leave him for an hour then and get some headspace.

I feel your sadness and frustration OP. It's so hard taking ASD teens on holiday. There's been some absolute bonkers comments on here. It sounds like your son is completely overwhelmed. Can you all just stay inside tomorrow? Let him have a day in his room, on his phone/screen whatever he needs to regulate himself. Have you got an outdoor area where you are? You and DH could get a nice bottle of wine or make yourself some mock tails and chill.

See if the day in the accommodation helps and then see if you can ease him into any activities in the next few days. If not, you may need to cut your losses for all your sakes.

It's so, so tough. I'm a single parent with an ASD child and have spent more days inside when on holiday than I'd care to remember!

Amazing thing is... when we get home DC says how fantastic it was and wants to know when we can go back!

This is a good strategy and we tend to have a day or two a week where we just stay indoors in the cool and shade doing nothing. It definitely helps having some space for everyone to spread out, the absolute disaster scenario for us is when we all squeeze into one tiny room. Having a fridge and wine helps!

Every time I read a thread like this I am reminded of a similar thread where a bunch of ND MNers came on and said it was only an almighty bollocking from a parent at the end of their tether that made them sort their shit out. I wish I’d saved the link tbh, but there were many voices that said that whilst it probably came from a place of wanting to control everything, ultimately it was just them being unreasonable and the more people tiptoed around them, the harder it was for them to realise that they were being unreasonable and needed to learn to cope and not expect everyone else to bend over backwards.

I feel your frustration OP.

Do not go home. The money is paid.

Forget about next holidays for now.

So. Ten days left.

Sit with DH tonight and make a plan for the next say two days. One day at home each, one day out and about or napping or whatever.

Concentrate on your needs. Food, a walk, a book, just rest.

Then that leaves 8 days. If things have improved with DS having some quiet time, have a further plan, if they have not, continue.

As an aside what does he enjoy? It might not be what you want but for example would a new game for computer device. Whatever.

It's so so hard. But you are away on this one so replan and see what can get you both some down time

That made me laugh. I remember the ‘I’ll kill the pair of you’ comments made by DM at DB and me …

You're describing me at 14. Sorry about that mum and dad. I remember slinging my sandwiches across a sandy beach in Cornwall, and nothing, nothing at all seemed to cheer me up. As payback, I have a 16 year old DS who is much the same. And because these moments are completely unpredictable, cutting your losses may not make you any happier. You'll be back on home turf for sure, but it doesn't mean his behaviour will necessarily improve either, or that you'll have a better time. I am really sorry that it's spoiling your holiday, I hope you do get some joy out of it somehow or another.,

I would absolutely not go home. It is your holiday too. Your son can be as ND as he likes, he needs to learn about other people's needs. Going home is not the answer.

I have a DSD who has a very severe eating disorder. Her teen years were spent with our lives rigidly driven by her needs, her life, her illness ..so I understand the resentment so so well.
Holidays were a no go for ages and then the whole thing planned like a military operation..
Even then it was often awful ..but one thing I learnt from another forum was not to be afraid of calling out bad behavior and that not all bad behavior is due to their illness or neurodiversity.
I used the phrase " that is unacceptable, you have an eating disorder not a rudeness disorder" quite a few times.

ND is one thing and it sounds as if the OP is aware and does organize,compromise and accomadate for her DS's neurodiversity but in the end you can still just be a silly rude teenager who needs telling the world does not revolve around you.

I love this post more than I can say.

I honestly think a portion of the 'neurodiversity' movement is causing enormous longterm harm. Most adults here grew up at a time when neurodiversity wasn't even recognised. Many of us suffered a lot masking for years and years BUT we also learned enormous resilience and coping skills because we had to.

Greater understanding of ND is wonderful and simple adjustments can make a massive difference but the world cannot and should not revolve around ND people. At that point the balance tips into narcissism not neurodiversity. As a ND parent with ND DC I want to teach DC to survive and thrive in a world that will not centre them. Why should it?

Hahahaha and I bet you believed her! Hahaha

Seriously though, I would never have made my family (in my case mum and gran) feel like crap on holiday becas of MY bad behavior. It would never have occurred. I have precious memories of our holidays. We didn’t always do what I wanted to do and there was compromise but there was never tension and arguing. I feel sorry for OP.

Well exactly ND needs to be taken into account but it can't be a get out of jail free card for appalling behaviour.

The world rolls out the red carpet for no one in life. You make your own way and no one is going to make excuses for the type of behaviour the ops son is dishing out.

My partner is ND. I make allowances for it within reason. He has to make some effort. It can't all be about his needs and terms and conditions to feel comfortable.

The OPs son if his behaviour is allowed to continue , will just learn that everyone else's needs will alway play second fiddle to his needs.

People with ND gets overwhelmed, stressed etc. but so do those without ND.

people without ND cant be expected to suck it up whilst allowing those with ND to supersede all else.

Define coping skills and resilience. Masking has caused my daughter to try to take her own life several times. It’s not about the world revolving round ND people. It doesn’t, quite the reverse .All day ND people hold and manage huge difficulties in a world that absolutely doesn’t revolve round them. Those difficulties vary as does the ability to cope. I teach my children to survive by not carrying out parenting strategies professionals have told us will not work but will simply increase disregulation and distress. I am learning to ride the waves alongside and to explore and support what causes difficulties alongside helping them to develop coping strategies that help them.There will always be behaviour that a NT world will look down on. It’s pointless me confronting and challenging it. It causes huge damage. They feel crap enough as it is. Holding, supporting and learning from my children what will help next time is far better
for us.

The point is people with ND have difficulties on top of the overwhelm and stress NT people experience it’s not the same. Hence it being classed as a disability. Meltdowns and disregulation will
always happen unless a large amount of reasonable adjustments and coping strategies are built into life. Even then they will happen at times. It take many years.Berating is pointless as a ND will feel bad enough and it won’t make it not happen again.

So the solution is to.allow and excuse any and all behaviour just because ND?

They don't need to try? At all?

@Gr33nSpot I understand why you are treading carefully given your daughter's history. I'm glad she's making progress, sincerely.

Who says they’re not trying or being taught to try?

“Allow” - you can berate all you like but it won’t change anything. It’s pointless punishing what a child who is struggling with a disability can’t help. Been there, done that.

I am surprised you haven't lost your shit yet. I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from any of my children. Yes he has autism and you tolerate his attitude because you love him but in the real world no one will tolerate him and his attitude. You have to start following through with the consequences.

I’m not treading carefully. I’m parenting supportively and in a way that actually helps her.

Have you actually told him how rude he is being and how much this is upsetting you ? Fair enough his autistic but that's no excuse for treating his parents like dirt. The phone needs to go or the Xbox until he learns some manners.

So upsetting him and dis regulating him more, taking away something that will help soothe him?

How about trying to talk about what is causing the discomfort and asking if they could find some strategies and ways to reduce the disregulation together? Try to build in some activities that will replenish stores used up from being away from home and away from comforts and familiarity.