MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

The suggestion doesn't need to take up much mental load... Just say, very generically, what they like to do and leave it there e.g "Florence likes [e.g. art/ card games/ football] at the moment" etc. Avoid saying "science" unless you want to be gifted a horrendously complicated science set that requires loads of parental input or - horror of horrors - a slime set that will destroy any furniture that it comes into contact with!

Why should a child lie/fake something to a person who has given a gift? Because this is good manners, and something we have to learn, like using a knife and fork properly.

My MIL used to absentmindedly forget my child's birthday frequently....which is bizarre given that it was the day after my FIL's!!!
No card, gift or phone call.... to the point the said child would ask me if she "didn't like him anymore".
Fast forward to her birthday which she would mention about a zillion times and post it all over SM & expect us to acknowledge it with cards/gifts etc ...

So I'd say be grateful for the gift...even if it is the "wrong one". Move on & accept it gracefully and if he's lucky enough to receive birthday pennies then he can buy his choice of toy then.
Hope he has a lovely birthday

My MIL used to absentmindedly forget my child's birthday frequently....which is bizarre given that it was the day after my FIL's!!!
No card, gift or phone call.... to the point the said child would ask me if she "didn't like him anymore".
Fast forward to her birthday which she would mention about a zillion times and post it all over SM & expect us to acknowledge it with cards/gifts etc ...

So I'd say be grateful for the gift...even if it is the "wrong one". Move on & accept it gracefully and if he's lucky enough to receive birthday pennies then he can buy his choice of toy then.
Hope he has a lovely birthday

If money allows, buy him the toy he asked for. I always buy the main things from us, everyone else can get the “extras”

Well, you now know that any suggestions your ML asks for may well be ignored. And that’s not an unreasonable thing. What happened to people giving the gift they want to give? And people being grateful for what they have been given.? And as for for treating each person‘s birthday like you can create some kind of wedding list where you tick off the list of things you want - I would love to see an end to that

He might love the book.

if it’s the same price range as a book then the plastic toy is not going to be anything special.
You sound materialistic & grabby great that your family go all out but seriously get a grip & just enjoy being together & be thankful he’s got people in his life who want to celebrate with him.

I’m totally with you!

ignore everyone saying you’re ungrateful, they’ve clearly not understood the point of your post, and your frustrations.

Ignore everyone who suggests that this birthday is some sort of opportunity to teach your child a lesson. The poor kid only asked for two things, he hardly sounds demanding.

Ignore everyone who says a book that’s three years too advanced for him is a great gift, and you should be grateful, as surely ultimately buying a young child a present for their birthday is about getting them something they’ll be excited over and happy about.

Ignore everyone saying you’re moaning over something too trivial, you’re just having a little vent and this should be a safe space to do that in. We all need to air our frustrations!

I hope your son has a lovely birthday and enjoys all the thoughtful gifts you got him!

I’d definitely unwrap and return. He’s only asked for two things. I couldn’t watch the disappointment on his face as he unwraps and it’s not there.

An improvement on my parents, who just don't buy anything!

Which is fine, but if she wanted to get something different then don’t ask what he wants for his birthday.

I don't think its ungrateful in the slightest... if someone asks you what to get someone, you suggest something specific and then they ignore it, it's like whats the point in asking?

They've asked for a reason, if they wanted to go rouge and just get anything, don't ask in the first place!

Budgets are tight these days and I don't blame any parents for asking ( when prompted ) family members to get certain things they know their children want to make sure the kids get everything they want without having to spread themselves thinly for birthdays/Christmas!

Agreed! Equally if he loved books about space and fantasy and a book about romance was given it would be a rubbish gift.

Yours was a suggestion, not an order. It’s perfectly fine for a grandparent to gift whatever they want to their grandchild, especially if they don’t like or don’t feel comfortable giving your suggestion.

It’s up to you to be clearer (“DS is desperate for this gift, so if you think you’ll give something different let me know so I can get it for him”) and also to teach your children how to handle minor disappointments.

You poor MIL getting hauled over the coals for buying her grandchild a nice book.

Whenever I give suggestions for someone's birthday, I also add "let me know asap if you're getting any of these or not, as I'll get anything you don't".

You could have just done this and then you would have known earlier.

I like this idea of using birthday money. My son always loves going to buy a treat with birthday vouchers! Very annoying though and next time she asks for a suggestion just refer back to this year, and say ‘Just get whatever you think please as you didn’t approve of what I suggested last time’

My MIL (who is generally lovely BTW) was notorious when the DCs were little, for asking for suggestions and then buying loads of tatt up to or over the value of the desired thing. For example DS wanted £30 Lego item, MIL would purchase a sack full of random unrelated toys and books worth £50. She very much equates quantity of gifts with how much she loves you (likewise the bigger the card and the more mawkish the poem inside the more she holds you in high regard). She grew up very poor and I think her approach to gifts is rooted in her upbringing. She also loathes recieving gifts she considers cost too much as she is not worthy and often offers to give us money towards what we have given (which also drives me mad). BUT as she is a generally lovely human we just try and view this as a charming quirk. I just bundled up the unwanted stuff and regifted it as party presents and bought the kids the thing they wanted.

It won’t hurt him to know that he doesn’t always get what he wants. Kids should be taught to be grateful for any gift well meant and you can’t dictate what people will buy.

touchy topic here

MIL rang to ask what dd14 would like for her birthday, gave her a run down of what she is into
Her 'gift' arrives a few days out from her birthday - no drama, australia post suck, we live interstate

dd 14 opens it and its a pair of denim short shorts and a mesh/singlet top combo, her face just dropped, gutted.
She does not wear denim short shorts or singlet tops. She a gamer who lives in long basketball shorts and tshirts - MIL knows this, clothes wernt even on the suggestion list. It came off to her as her Nana dont know or even care about what she is into

Me and Dh quickly said MIL had also sent us some money to take her shopping which cheered her up

When Dh spoke to her, it was deliberate cos she thinks dd needs to branch out and be 'more girly'
I left the room to avoid causing WW3 on the phone

So to me YANBU, dont ask for suggestions to only ignore them and get something completely useless or irrelevant

Others have suggested this but I would always buy the best suggestions myself, if its the most important thing then it makes sure they get it.

My experience is people ask to get a generic answer of she loves Moana or he really likes making things from clay. What they like less is he has asked for a toy squirel from Hamleys.

The reason is people like choosing, they sometimes worry they aren't the only person you have told and might end up doubles. And sometimes people make moral judgements not liking plastic or prefer something witb an educational basis.

By keeping it generic you allow people the opportunity to still apply these principles to a theme you have given them.

My PIL would never get DS what he wanted as they didn’t approve of it. Even with stuff like Lego, they would’ve bought a box a bricks but they wouldn’t buy a Star Wars set because they didn’t approve of themed Lego!

It is not worth the emotional effort as she will not buy stuff you want her to buy unless she thinks it meets her criteria as well. I’d say keep a list of MIL approved stuff that DC don’t care about but won’t hate and give her things off that (books, safe games, jigsaws etc) and be prepared to charity shop it.

When my DS was 8 he got a monogrammed hand towel for his birthday from PIL because they thought that would be useful & he already had enough stuff and they didn’t approve of the book token idea I suggested. I still carry a lot of anger about their treatment of him in this way.

Would return book get the money and get the toy. Next time just ask her to give him cash so he can choose.

I would rather my children were open and honest. There is no harm in saying they already have something. It would be different if they added nasty remarks or were mean about it. Voicing a fact isn't bad manners. Using a knife and fork properly is a completely different scenario. You are missing the fact that they wouldn't be in the situation if the GP listened to the parent in the first place. Why ask if you aren't going to take on board the suggestion?

Manners are about not offending other people, hence the knife and fork point. Don't offend people by saying 'but I already have one of those granny'. Not a good look. Sorry, but it's not.
Open and honest, yes, to a point. The point being, do not upset grandparents, Aunt Mabel in her tomato hat etc.