New career working Christmas as single parent

[ItsSpookySeason]

I have just finished a nursing degree and I'm waiting on my pin coming through before starting my new job. I've worked hard to get to this point as a mature student but unfortunately during my training my husband divorced me and has now moved to another country with OW.

We have 5 children under 12 who he now sees twice a year. I have managed during my training using paid childcare and have been fortunate that I have a family member who has also helped by looking after my children, but they are now also moving away to start a new job so I will solely be relying on paid childcare.

I am extremely worried about working 12 hour shifts over Christmas - I don't object to working Christmas eve / Christmas day / boxing day at all but I have no idea how I am going to sort childcare. I don't want to raise this as an issue as soon as I start my new job, I don't want to make a bad impression nor do I think I deserve special treatment as a single parent, but none of my childcare providers work Christmas day or boxing day, I have already asked!

How does anyone in a similar situation manage? I was previously self employed, and married, so have never had to worry about this before! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Why on earth would you assume that?

In my extended family we have adult-centric Christmas as there are very few children and unlikely to be more. We love our "magic" days and are no less deserving of them than those who choose to have children.

I would not be doing more than my equal share, nor would I expect others to sacrifice to accommodate me.

Well it is the same from my point of view, as you've got a colleague who thinks they deserve the day off more than I do because they want to spend it with young children they're related to. Which you arguably agree with?

Genuine question, why would I prioritise someone else's family over my own..? Regardless of their age.

@JudgeBurrito I get that GPs would like to spend the day with their grandchildren, but I'm pretty sure they would recognise their childrens' parents are more important (and it is the same for all children).
It's not about prioritising other families, but prioritsing youngish children - which we all were once. Mostly had our parents with us at Christmas; but if not, wouldn't it be good to change that for the future?!

I am not sure what sort of area you live on so this might not be appropriate for certain areas but what about posting on a local community Facebook group to see if a student home for Christmas holidays might be able to help out for a little bit extra cash?
I think if I saw someone local in this difficult position I would be quite happy to have their children round to my house.
I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for you OP, it can't be easy working shifts and juggling 5 children completely alone. Well done, what a fantastic role model to your children.
Edited to add: I'm not a student and wouldn't want paid.

I used to be a deputy ward manager on an NHS ward and did the rotas. Everyone was expected to do their share of Christmas and New Year. The starting point around this time of year funnily enough, is for all staff to say what they would be happy to do. Obviously there are usually gaps which then people are allocated to. You can try to get a swap but obviously there are no guarantees. Plus if you do get Christmas Day off this year, then your name will most definitely be in the frame for next year. It’s the most popular requested day of the year off for obvious reasons. It’s a 24/7 role and people in my trust are reminded about that at interview. Lots of places (include my trust) have a holiday ban over the Christmas and New Year period. Sickness isn’t a great route to go down either as colleagues won’t be thrilled and next year -yep the people who phone in sick will be Centre stage for doing shifts

It must be tough with 5 young children but then again other colleagues realistically won’t want to do more than their share of shifts at Christmas which is their right not to

Family / friends time is family / friends time; one person's tradition doesn't outweigh the other.

Shift workers with young kids would do well to start alternative traditions early. Like celebrating on the Eve, or Boxing Day, or whatever. Set realistic expectations among the children when they are young. Rather than imposing on co-workers and employers.

I think if you are rostered you will need to throw money at the problem. Get your Ex to contribute.

Your current childcare provider isn't available. I'm sure there will be someone willing to work.

They'll need to be checked for safeguarding reasons so look for an agency. Perhaps you could find someone of a different faith for whom Christmas isn't a "thing"?

And I'm totally at a loss as to why I should think about your kids before myself.

This isn't life or death. If we were discussing who gets the last seat in a lifeboat then clearly your kids come first. But there are limits.

@LewishamMumNow Other people's children will never be more important than one's own family. It doesn't matter if they are young or old, someone else's children will not trump that. Children are important to their families and society, but they are not important to individuals on a personal level. Your colleagues as individuals are not responsible for other people's children. If your employer wants to prioritise children, then that is for them to do, but they can not do that by discriminating against other employees. This issue could potentially be solved with money (i.e. bringing in agency staff), but they won't do that.

Exactly. My husbands mother did shift work and so did my father. So Christmas might have to be held on a different day. Him and l appear to have turned out fine. It’s just one of those things.

Just to be clear I do not work in a profession where I ever have, or ever will, be made to work at Christmas. But I do have young children, and I get frustrated by the weird arguments on mumsnet about the "rights" of workers without kids. I just think of my own kids and it upsets me. And there are loads of kids missing out on spending Christmas with their parents because their parents colleagues - who mostly themselves spent Christmas with their parents - are focused on what is "fair" which apparently doesn't mean giving any special status to young children and the special role Christmas has. I remember Christmas from when I was six very clearly. I've no memories at all of it from when I was 16 or 26 or 36. Because it did not matter that much. I will have clear memories of it from when I'm 46 because my children will be 7, 5 and 4 then, and I wouldn't miss that for anything.

Quite. Really selfish. It's the "me too" argument.

?? Of course you prefer and care about your own family more than other people's children. Doh. But youngish children should still take priority at Christmas time.
If your employer wants to prioritise children, then that is for them to do, but they can not do that by discriminating against other employees. Well, I'm saying employers should prioritise children. Whether that is "discrimination" depends a bit upon what you mean by that word. It would not be unlawful discrimination, but of course prioritsing parents of young children will mean others do more than a strictly equal allocation of Christmas shifts.

@LewishamMumNow Ah I see. So you can pontificate about this without there being any danger that you'll ever have to work a xmas. That makes sense. I suspect you'd feel differently if you worked in a 24/365 type of job and your children were no longer at that special age you speak of.

People saying priorities young children upto the age of 10 so if someone has multiple children where their is a 9/10 year age gap between each you would be OK for them to not work a Christmas day for 30 years and you would be happy to not spend the next 30 years having Christmas with your family, your kids, grandkids, elderly parents, terminally ill relatives

@Differentstarts Not many people have multiple children 10 years apart! And clearly others would get some Christmases off - with terminally ill close relations always an exception - just more than they otherwise would because yes, the rights of children - not their parents - matter, and especially at Christmas.
This is one of those areas where mumsnet becomes weirdly anti-kids, and I think that attitude should be challenged: don't think of yourself, think of your childhood.

It doesn't have to be a 9/10 year age gap even a 5 year age gap with say 4 kids really adds up the years

@MrJeremyFisher First you criticise me for expecting you to care about my kids more than your own family, then when I point out I am not personally affected, I'm some sort of hypocrite... Can't you just accept we disagree because I think children are special and deserve a special Christmas?!

This is all very rare. Seriously, how many people have four kids these days. And on a nurses salary. And with a five year age gap - would need to start quite young. Extreme examples make bad law/practice, etc. They'd be the odd case like this, but most people would have 2 kids no more than 4 or 5 years apart and generally less. Because that's life and people are not going to have another ten years later because of Christmas.

I’ve worked every other Christmas Day for > 20 years. Did I expect colleagues to prioritise MY children at their own expense? Absolutely not. I chose to remain in a job that includes bank holiday and Christmas working. You do get the odd staff member who thinks it’s their right to have every Christmas Day off once they have children. Thankfully it’s not that common.

Well the op has 5 kids. I had my first at 15 so clearly not that uncommon especially now its the norm for women to be still having children in their 40s. It's not out of the ordinary to have multiple children and to have them spaced out especially when your talking about having children with a new partner after separation and divorce.

That's disingenuous. I also think children are special and deserve a special xmas. I just don't believe it's my responsibility to facilitate that.

I didn't say you're a hypocrite. I said it's very easy to say "I think people should do X" when there's no danger of you having to do X.

Clearly it is the employers responsibility to facilitate it. But it means those without children (youngish - not suggesting it applies into the teens let alone adulthood) working more Christmas shifts, though of course not every year.

Well fortunately you don't make the rules. And fortunately most of MN doesn't agree with you. This topic has come up before and the vast majority of posters are on my side of the argument.

@LewishamMumNow you keep going on about the rights of children. Children do not have the right to have a parent off work on Christmas Day! That's just a fact. And you're saying terminally ill relatives would grant an exception. In a number of cases people lose their parents/partners suddenly, so by (in your world) forcing them to work Christmas for X years in a row so the parents can be off, you'd deprive them of a number of family Christmases and with hindsight their final Christmas with that relative. Also I think if you granted that exception you'd find some NHS staff would have about 14 dying grannies over the course of their career...