Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

I have looked through all of my previous posts.

And I still can’t find any where I have said “posters are trying to silence the OP”. So…. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then op should have got off her butt , and had the manners to get and and say goodbye . She was not going to get up . Rude as fuck .

Well considering the wider context of your MiL and how she’s behaved towards you in the past, I think you need to communicate next time - if not this time - in clear terms how you feel about her and he does need to take action to protect you from her.

He’s a married man and father, it’s not good enough for him to say he can’t stand up to his mum.

I’d definitely reduce contact if things continue as they have been without him saying anything.

Could MIL be sick? Perhaps she’s got some underlying health issue and in the moment was confused. Did she have intent of touching you oddly? Even if this happened to me, my mind would not go there. Just sounds like a last minute misjudgement. Can’t you give her the benefit of doubt? Probably as others have said she was probably aiming for the baby- in her mind.

Next time I'll drop my DD on the floor to bend over backwards and stand up for my MIL

It’s not hard to put any child at any age on the floor while you get up off a chair

Ys, I think perhaps the MIL was making a definite point that the OP was being rude by not getting up to say goodbye and not even turning to face her.

The OP says the MIL ignored her when she arrived, but that goes both ways. The MIL could arguably say that the OP ignored her. I think by kissing her on the back of the neck the MIL is sending a slightly passive aggressive message of 'well at least I'm making an effort to be friendly and warm towards you, even if all I get is the back of your head as you know I'm leaving.'

Don't be childish. You must have known she was making moves to leave? I doubt she announced it then suddenly kissed your neck literally one second later? Your child is 2. You haven't just given birth. You can manage to leave your chair.

She came to see your DD for her birthday. It was rude of you to not get up and see her to the door as I'm sure you would have done with the guests you actually like and wanted there. Stop being in denial about your own behaviour here, which sounds no better than hers. Even if you don't like her much, she's your child's grandmother and your husband's mother. Try for their sake to plaster on a smile and be civil towards her. At least acknowledge her when she's leaving. Then she wouldn't need to lunge at the back of your neck.

If you believe your MiL capable of using a kiss as a form of assault upon you, regardless of whether youre correct or not, your relationship is entirely broken.You and your H need to have a conversation where this is acknowledged and a plan in place for his contact with his mother that doesn't involve you. There is no reason he should not continue a separate relationship with her without you coming into contact with her, and he'd be strongly advised to do so. Accusations that his mother 'violated' his wife are not something to be brushed off, for either woman's sake.

This. You reap what you sow.

With every post OP is revealing open hostility to her MIL and wringing every last drop out of their original spat. It’s now a long running feud and will compromise her DH’s and eventually her DC’s relationships with MIL.

I think OP displays an appalling lack of maturity in putting this above the well being of the rest of her family. Not to mention her interpretation of the womans’ current behaviour towards her. If l was regarded in as rude and hostile manner as OP seems to regard MIL, l’d be quiet and melt into the background at family gatherings too, and l wouldn’t be up for much in the way of direct conversation.

MIL came to say goodbye. She was met with the OP’s back and the usual hostility - she could easily have put the child down and given her full attention. The fact that she didn’t speaks volumes - the ‘why should l’ approach, followed by the ridiculous notion that MIL somehow violated her by kissing the only bit that OP showed her - her back. How hard would it be for the OP to recognise that MIL may be trying to mend fences, and at least meet her half way. The alternative is a very difficult way forward with a woman who, like it or not, is part of her family and will have a role in her children’s’ lives.

I asked about MIL’s age and any other odd behaviour that might indicate the onset of dementia or something. Was told she’s in her fifties and no other odd behaviour - although l wonder about the events surrounding the original problem. Wanting to be in the delivery suite and then alleged maliciousness after being told no, indicates a need of some sort, although OP has been vague about the details.

And in posting these definitions you’ve clearly missed the distinction between similar and literary. Literary meaning is rape or sexual assault. That’s why posters are calling you out, because some have experience of actual violation and perceive you to be trivialising it.

And to be honest l can’t see where your MILs’ behaviour satisfies the similar meanings to be honest. She came to say goodbye. You couldn’t be bothered to get up, so she kissed the only bit of you you were prepared to show her. Your back. Not saying you haven’t got cause to resent her OP, if what you say is true, but although you have every right not to want her present at the delivery of her grandchild, it sounds as though you were very blunt in your refusal. The fact that she asked in the first place indicates some sort of need. And you were very vague when posters questioned how you could be certain it was MIL spreading those rumours.

You display more and more hostility to your MIL with each post and if MILs’ behaviour is an indication that she wants to mend fences, that hostility is preventing you from recognising the signs - everything she does is interpreted as somehow against you. You’re setting a very difficult path which will affect your whole family if you don’t both find a way to live peacefully, and to do that you need to meet each other half way. It sounds as though she’s already trying. The rest is up to you.

Actually she didn’t. Read the post again.

Hello, MIL is that you?

In other words you can’t. Because she didn’t.

Wow, OP. I think you just proved that posters’ point !!

You are probably right. i rose to the bait.

It's certainly a shame people have to be so aggressive on here.

Oh dear , keep on sinking .

This has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you all for your comments including those who presume to know both me and my MIL better than we know ourselves - it's certainly been an interesting insight. Before I go even further down the rabbit hole I'm going to stop looking at this chain so I don't have to explain and defend anymore. I was only looking for advice and I think the best I've received is to keep my distance which my DH agrees with.

In other words you’re not prepared to take on board anything we’ve said.

Agree

With respect, OP why make your life and your husbands life more complicated than it needs to be. Can you not find any common ground at all with a woman you have SO much in common with?

That poster wasn’t aggressive. They were simply trying to offer up a different point of view. You said you came here looking for advice, but l suspect what you were really after was confirmation of your own point of view. It really doesn’t help your case that you’re vague on detail, respond to questions with sarcasm and extend the hostility you show to your MIL to posters here if they don’t agree with your characterisation of her. You’re right. We’re random strangers on the internet, we don’t know you or your MIL beyond what you tell us, but so far what you haven’t said speaks volumes.

You don’t have the defend or explain yourself to anyone on here. You know your family and the existing dynamics of it, and as such you’ve got a better understanding as to her intentions.

This was unacceptable to you, and you found it to be a violation. Consider where you want to go from here with your MIL, as I’m sure you are doing, but at the very least I would make it clear to her that you won’t accept that from her.

This, exactly. Wherever you stand on the issue it’s not right for OP to just carry on as normal.

Why does everyone go detective mode? Just help the poster with some advice or don’t.