Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

I think the OP posting here was a waste of time. She had clearly made up her mind about her MIL before she posted, and doesn’t appear to be inclined to listen to any other point of view than that of those who agree it’s all her MIL’s fault, so what was the point ?

The last few of OP’s posts gave her away in my opinion. She was sarcastic, ignored questions, and applied the same open hostility towards posters who didn’t agree with her or were offering up possible alternatives. In the process l think she showed us something of who she is. I for one, feel quite sorry for MIL now. It seems to me that regardless of whatever caused the original bad feeling, she can’t do anything right for OP now - everything is perceived as against her.

I'm just wondering how she wanted to be in the delivery suite with the OP when she lives four hours away, and why she sent her DGD a set of skewers for her first birthday. Surely that wasn't deliberate or intended?

Ah yes, because she wasn’t in fact responding in kind to those posters addressing her with sarcasm and open hostility, with a side helping of language gatekeeping. This is of course a problem for those who expect her to be suitably cowed.

What was the point? To vent and let off steam, presumably. Not exactly unusual for posters on AIBU.

Violated is a bit strong. Had she been drinking?

How old is she? People sometimes lose inhibition with age, and with dementia. Alternately, she might have watched what a lovely party you gave and felt a surge of love for you, her daughter in law?

Agree with this. If anyone kisses you on the neck and you don't have a chance to say no or they aren't your partner with who you have that sort of relationship then yes it can feel violating.

Totally agree.

If you feel able to OP I'd send a text saying you don't want her to kiss you again and it overstepped a personal boundary. Ideally you would have yelled "what the hell are you doing??" At the time but I completely understand why that may not have been possible

That’s awful but don’t think its really a violation.
Your OH should have a word with her.

Wow.

i think if you already are taking loaaaads of space from her. Just do that. Do not react. Let your hubby handle anything with regards to her. Completely back off.

in the future, make sure a wall, a tree or else is behind you :)

it is yukee 🫣 but please do not engage!

good luck 🌺

I once kissed my boss (same sex) after we’d had a pub lunch. My immediate boss was there and kissed her goodbye. I then did too. I think I felt awkward and as we’d had 1 glass of wine with lunch it didn’t seem that weird. The next day I felt bloody stupid. I also remembered that the other two had known each other almost 30 years so it wasn’t that weird for them 🤷‍♀️

Haven't read the whole thread:

1. Rearrange the furniture so nobody can get to the back of your neck (or whoever's sitting in that seat) without you seeing them.

1. Physical things like this can be met with verbal or physical responses - whatever seems right at the time. "Stop kissing my neck" is a perfectly good sentence.

Would you feel different about it if you loved her?

Ew that is absolutely disgusting! My skin would have crawled that much I’d need to go to hospital. Obviously you’ll be ready for it next time and if she tries it, I’d just say ‘don’t do that please, it creeps me out a bit.’ You freaky strange old lezza

Defo weird, was she drunk? I wouldn't say it was a violation, heck real violation is far worse! Intrusive and uncomfortable yes. So she ignored you then did this, her way of showing love or being an arse, possibly both?

Are you being serious

Maybe she’s just stupid. Maybe her way of trying to build a relationship with you but is going about it the wrong way.

There are rape victims and survivors of child abuse on here.

You were not violated and imo its offensive to suggest you were.

No. Not everyone who disagreed with OP were sarcastic and hostile. Quite a few posters tried to advocate for a reasonable solution, and were met with replies like ‘is that you MIL’ !! You’re probably right in that OP came on to vent because she clearly didn’t want any advice that differed from her own point of view.

And the side helping of language gate keeping was because OP used the word ‘violated’ to describe a peck on the back of the neck from a family member at a birthday party - most likely the result of her own rudeness in showing her back to MIL when she was leaving. That word is triggering for many posters who have experienced violence and abuse, so OP should have known she’d be called out on it, and how did she reply ? She posted definitions of the word. So add patronising and insulting to openly hostile and you begin to see what MIL is up against.

How about she just puts down her child for a minute and actually says goodbye properly to her MIL, instead of showing the woman her back as she was leaving. Then MIL wouldn’t have needed to do what she did.

Exactly. I get the feeling that OP is determined to carry on this feud no matter what. If MIL is trying to build bridges the OP’s own hostility is blinding her to it, and everything she does is perceived as a slight. She rudely showed the woman her back as she was leaving then created drama because MIL plonked a kiss on the back of her neck because it was the only bit she could get at.

Look, OP, cringey - yes, but as pps have said, this was probably your MIL's clumsy way of working around you showing your back at good-bye time.

I am one of the many people on here who have been assaulted, most of the times sexually but twice just a "regular" whacking by strangers in the street. One of my sexual assaults was so violent my feet left the ground from the force applied. So yes, "violated" is not the word to use in this company and in this context.

I know the difference between "violated" and "violent", btw, in case I'm about to be challenged on that. People are violated more often than they are violently violated.

In this case OP's skin is still crawling, I get that, but honestly I bet your MIL is cringing too. She won't need a lecture from anyone concerning "boundaries", as I can almost guarantee she regrets the kiss as much as you do... and will be very unlikely to repeat it!

That's how it read to me too

As a child I dreaded the wet sloppy kiss from my grandmother. I'm a survivor!! Oh and there was the big slobbery Labrador.

I'll bet she was going for a kiss on the cheek, fully expecting you, if you really couldn't get up from where you were sitting, to at least manage to turn your head a little.

Your not being able or willing to budge an inch was not in her plan, but she was already coming in for the slobbery smackeroo. She kind of had to quickly decide whether to abort or crash land. She went for the latter option because you may still have, at the very last second, decided you were able to accept a kiss on the cheek, and it all would have resulted in a passable good-bye peck.

What finally happened therefore was probably as displeasing to her as it was to you.

Haven't rtft so others may have also said very similar...

Plenty have been.

From side helping to second course. Yes, she felt violated so she used the word, and helpfully provided the definition for those who took issue. ‘Violated’ is not only used in context of sexual assault, and it’s usage to describe OP’s feelings in regards to unwanted physical contact isn’t something that anyone has the authority to withhold from her on the basis that they think she shouldn’t feel it.

What MIL is up against is someone that isn’t going to roll over and accept whatever she feels inclined to dish out. Good.