Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

Ah, OK. I just find it weird that she avoided you and didn’t attempt to make conversation at all during the party, and yet actively came to say goodbye and wanted to kiss you.

🎻🎻🎻🎻

To even suggest that a full-term pregnant woman is incapable of thinking objectively about a person who was being malicious to them, due to “raging hormones” is ludicrous, and insulting.

A lot of MIL’s are seen as wrong on MN because their DIL’s post threads about their complete lack of boundaries and shitty behaviour. OP’s MIL sounds nuts.

People who have nice MIL’s aren’t going to post AIBU threads about them.

well put

It sounds wierd and passive aggressive OP - I think she is expressing her anger through the physical interaction with you and that is why it bothers you. It doesn’t feel like just a kiss, it feels like its an aggression towards you because it is one.

I think she is angry with you but doesn’t know how to express and resolve situations like this - if she was a toddler then she would bite you, but as she is an adult she knows this is unacceptable so she expresses her anger by the sloppy kiss on the back of your neck (where you are unprotected and vulnerable).

People who do this can be acting out of a deep fear of losing control and they cannot manage this fear, it overwhelms them and they strike out against the person they hold responsible for causing the fear. She sounds like a very limited childlike person so maybe try to see her that way, see how she acts out of her fear - maybe you are “taking things away from her”- and remain the adult when you have to interact with her. It might be easier then to be less impacted by the wierd things she does.

He probably thought 'what a daaaarling'' and immediately applied middle class darling tax - 75% on top

Have posters actively lost their fucking minds overnight or something? WTAF is going on here??

OP she is batshit, I’d refuse to ever be around her again tbh.

Why is it ludicrous and insulting ? From personal experience, myself and a number of other work colleagues were subjected to some dreadful behaviour from a manager during her late pregnancy. It was completely out of character for her - she was usually calm and approachable. When she returned from maternity leave the first thing she did was acknowledge and apologise for how unreasonable she’d been and she, herself said she could only put it down to her hormones at the time. Not saying that’s what happened with OP but that poster was only suggesting that hormones may have played a part. From OP’s reply that was obviously not the case, but let’s not pretend it doesn’t happen.

Why her DH?? He’s not responsible for interactions. Don’t make him the go-between!

This.

So do I

Just couldn’t help yourself could you ?👏👏👏

This makes complete sense. She feels I've taken her son away because we live over 4 hours away from her. Although she's ignoring the fact that I met her son when he was already living 4 hours away.

Is she fond of a 'grand gesture' in front of others?

There's nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong, she sounds weird.
My own mother or sister or any close friend would never kiss me on the back of the neck.

Oh do Get a Life!!
Pathetic

I would find it weird if my OH kissed me on the back of the neck in these circumstances. Let alone the MIL!

Here we go again total overreaction to a mother in law, what a ridiculous post ‘violated’ what is the matter with the women on here!
Every single thing has to be analysed and complained about, stop whinging!

So you’d think it was totally unremarkable if someone you’re not in a relationship with kissed you on your neck? Go on, I’m going to enjoy your explanation of how that’s totally normal and you often snog people’s necks.

Yep - power play can take many forms. Rape is not power play - it is a horrific violent act, which often includes a power element, which can only be committed by a man (according to Uk law).

mil violated personal boundaries and the behaviour was totally inappropriate, especially as their relationship is strained. DH really needs to step up here…

An encore, you say?

🎻

That’s awful Op. when I was a bit younger I had a friend kiss me on the back of my neck I was really repulsed by it to be honest. We were sharing a bed which was normal for me and my friends when we stayed overnight at each others but I didn’t expect her to do that. She had been drinking on the train down to see me apparently so when i met her at the train station around 5pm she was under the influence to say the least.

I’m not sure if she still tipsy 8 hours later when she kissed me but it did gross me out. Had she done that when fully awake and sober I’d probably have sent her home 😵‍💫 I did speak to her about it in the morning and she apologised. I’d known her about 2 decades - since primary school- so I was really taken aback.

OP, I’d happily call your MiL out and tell her you didn’t like that. It will be an embarrassing conversation- for her. She’s banking on you being too polite or embarrassed to bring it up. prove her wrong.

I think part of the reason you’re grossed out may be it feels a bit incestuous. She’s not your mother yes but she’s your MiL. So that adds an extra dimension of violation IMO.

All this exactly.

For too long women have been encouraged to press down their feeling and ignore their their feelings and intuition in favour of being compliant and people-pleasing.

Don’t - listen to your instincts.

There’s a reason this doesn’t feel right.

This is MN, so you will need extensive therapy to work through your trauma, also, have you considered going to the Police?

Excellent thread. Thanks OP.

Have you called the police yet?

OP, you made me lol about your MIL sending skewers to your daughter for her birthday - I can only assume it was an Amazon-type mistake, or a misplaced address. (I once ordered a child’s chair and received a drying rack!!) All I would say about your MIL kissing you on the back of the neck is that it’s very odd, but I have no doubt that she is very aware of the fact that you don’t like her, and perhaps thought it would be less confrontational than coming round to the front, but that she didn’t want to leave without some sort of (to her mind) friendly gesture because that would have been interpreted as unfriendly and ungrateful. I think the thing to say to her is next time, MIL, please just say goodbye - no kisses required!