Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

It wasn’t necessarily appropriate, but “violated”?🙄

The very least it needs to be logged!

😆 undoubtedly

😂😂😂
How mortifying. Please can you start a thread about this? 🤞🏿
OP, YANBU x

And remember, you can get through to the police by calling 111 🤣

I see the sheeple are out in force today.

Cough in her face with a mouthful of 🤢 food.

😂😂😂

I always kiss the plumber (he's a good friend of the family!).

Ok, so this time she caught you completely off guard. Next time, have some responses ready. And say them loudly to draw attention to her behaviour.

"That was a bit much, wasn't it?"
"Woah, stead on, Janet!"

What happened to just making a joke out of something silly? "Violated" is such an overreaction, and I hope nothing actually serious ever happens to the OP, because they won't have the words to explain.

😆 and I was just going to call 999 - she is a menace to society afterall

There's no more to tell @wizzbitt.
He was just a 60 something year old chap leaving after a very long day working in my house.
It was the end of the first day of a very long project.
It did not happen again - 'twas a 1 off lapse of rational thinking and behaviour.
Possibly some of it was due to being tired and so glad/relieved to see him go!!
Nothing sexual in it.
I'm sure he was as shocked and stunned as me.
For context, I'm no 23 year old supermodel - I'm older than the plumber!

@magicmushrooms Yes, I wasn't denying that it was a power play.

I was just expressing disgust at the fact that it might be that.

I suspect it may have been a clumsy goodbye and she instantly regretted it.

But if that is not the case, and it was a power play, and she was somehow asserting her dominance - eeeewww

If it had been a party where they had laughed and enjoyed together then yes, agree it was a clumsy goodbye. OP stated that she said barely a word the whole time and completely ignored her. With a strained relationship already this was just downright nasty.

If you think she might do the same again, dab something foul tasting on the back of your neck. Perhaps a bit of Dettol or some perfume.

🙄

She was lucky not to get an elbow to the chops. misses point entirely

That would be my reflex action unless I thought it was my partner 😂

I’ve found that it can be difficult for people who don’t have toxic relatives or in-laws to understand how difficult and draining it can be to deal with them. What seems like awkward interactions or little oversteps can actually be the 1000th paper cut. These people are experts at plausible deniability. They thrive on making you look like you are unreasonable or overreacting and they are the poor victim who misspoke or only meant well.

DH needs to step up and put a stop to this. If OP confronts MIL, MIL will play the victim. She will tell the world that OP made her feel unwelcome and then chastised her for trying to be affectionate to OP. This is what MIL wants. She wants to know that she is succeeding in unsettling OP.

My DH has had to make these calls. He leaves me out of it and addresses his observations. He would tell them that he observed them not talking to me or being rude to me. He has told them that they need to respect boundaries and not force affection, especially when they’ve spent the rest of the visit being hostile. He has told them their behaviors were weird and inappropriate and needed to stop or he would stop visits. He is always quick to tell them that this is from him and he is the one who won’t tolerate their treatment of me. If it weren’t for him, these people wouldn’t be in my life trying to disrupt it, so it is up to him to fix it if he wants to continue a relationship with them.

Weird, yes. Violated, get a grip.

Stop exaggerating she did not snog her neck, if she was bending over her MIL probably dropped a goodbye kiss.
why does everything have to be dramatic and violating… get over yourself.

Thank you! It's so difficult isn't it. You've nailed exactly her games!

Wow you sound very wound up indeed 😂 OP literally says ‘plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck’ - assuming you must be MIL as you’re very sure of the series of events, aren’t you?

Unfortunately, I have decades worth of experience dealing with both a toxic family and toxic in-laws. My DH and I both have worked really hard to establish boundaries and break the cycle of generational abuse. We’ve had to cut off or limit contact with most of our relatives and have worked on building a network of friends to be our chosen family.

My biggest recommendation is to sit down with your DH and really discuss what you want your future interactions to be with both of your relatives. My DH and I were able to do this on our own, but some couples need to utilize couple’s counseling for this. It can be difficult to see the toxicity in your family of origin because you were raised to normalize it. In our situation, my DH isn’t ready to cut off some people that I am. As a compromise, because I love my DH, I have conditions and boundaries around their relationships with my minor children and I. He is responsible for maintaining these and intervening if necessary. As long as he holds up his end, I’m willing to compromise and continue the relationship.

From the little you’ve posted about your MIL, I can’t tell if she is teachable. It does seem like your DH is on your side and willing to stand up for you. You also come across as sensible where it comes to MIL’s limits. I’m also someone who doesn’t mind certain people not interacting with me. It is preferable to the veiled insults and fake pleasantries. It is possible that if your DH calls her out, she will realize he is on your side and she will learn to behave more appropriately around you. In my experience, her behavior wont improve until your DH takes a stand. This is why I strongly recommend everything said about it comes from him and his perspective.

I’m more than capable of standing up for myself. With normal, loving family, I would be able to tell my inlaws they had said/done something hurtful or crossed a boundary and we could work it out. It would probably make our relationship even stronger. With toxic inlaws, they are going to weaponize anything coming from me. Again, I can handle this, but my response will destroy any future relationship because my priority is protecting myself, not preserving the relationship.

I made the very first post on this thread, in response to the OP. I've just come back to find that I have 59, yes that's 59!!!! likes/thanks for that comment. That has to be some sort of record, surely?

Thank you for this! It is a really helpful insight and I will talk to my DH. Good luck with your family / in laws too x